Weekends

I realize this is the first post that I've done in a long time, but it's because this is the first time in a long time that I've needed to. It really hurts knowing so many people in my life had amazing weekends while I had one that could probably be the worst one of my life. To sum it up really fast: Friday night B3 told me he was super happy because he made out with a super hot girl, Saturday night I spent 4 hours stopping a girl from committing suicide and then had an hour conversation with B3 about another different girl, Sunday I had to deal with everyone asking about the girl and B3 told me that he was going to ask a girl out. Monday didn't get any better. I got about 3 hours of very broken sleep, had a migraine all day, had to go down to honor board in DG and tell a bunch of people what happened Saturday night, and then go do math. When I went to go do math I found out that my friend who had tried to commit suicide found out that her roommate that day had overdosed and slit her wrists and arms. Honor board decided she needed to come sleep at the house, but she didn't trust anyone so she refused. They're smothering her and I'm afraid that it's my fault. Right now I just don't know what to do. I texted B3 last night asking if he could talk because normally he makes me happy or de-stresses me, but instead he didn't respond until it was 1am and ended up just saying "Too bad trust me it'll be ok" instead of just listening to everything that was wrong. I also said I'm sorry for bothering him and his response was "I was with Ceara, I'm fine" which pretty much just made me more upset. I don't want to hear about how the ex boyfriend I have feelings for won't help me because he's with another girl. After that I just couldn't sleep. I was balling so hard and I just didn't know what to do. I ended up falling asleep around 3:30 and now I've decided to skip class.

Time Fly's

It's crazy to believe that it's been 10 days since I last wrote. So much has gone on that it would be pretty much impossible to cover it all.

I've been having a great time recently and haven't had too many conflicts. There are a couple of things that plague my thoughts, but not much.

B3 issues are still prevalent, and getting worse again, but I think I can manage them. He wants to cuddle when I visit, and I told him yes. He mentioned wanting to do more, but I'm not sure on that one yet. I will get drunk with him, I will go to a party, and I will cuddle. I think I'm becoming more confident in myself, I only hope that I don't get hurt. I'm going to make him promise to still talk to me afterwards, because him not talking to me will drive me nuts. I also feel like I might be getting too clingy recently and I don't want that to happen.

In other news, I now have a Big in DG and a twin :) I'm very excited and tonight we had a great pirate themed hang out time. Our family is called the nauticals so we tend to do a lot of things that concern pirates. I'm really happy with the family I have been given, even though it may be small. We're actually the smallest family in the dorm right now. We only have 5 members, two sets of twins, and my current Big Big. I think I'm going to have so much fun.

Another big thing that's been on my mind the last couple of days would be the fact that my dad wants me to consider engineering as a major. My school does not offer it, so if I looked into it I would have to transfer schools. If I transferred schools it would be to WSU, which is where B3 goes. I mentioned this to him because I wanted to know if he would think it would be awkward and his response was that he'd love it. In fact he mentioned that he'd want to get back together if I moved there. I'm so conflicted. In no way whatsoever do I want to choose to go there simply because of him. That is so ridiculous and I won't let myself be pulled into an action like that.

The last big thing recently that I have been doing is trying to lose weight. I've been practicing for serenades recently with my other new members and so that has been getting me more active, but in addition to that I'm also trying to watch what I eat. When I went to the doctor last week I realized that I've gained 20lbs since starting school, and I seriously need to lose them again. I do not want to weight 190lbs. I'd much prefer to be the 170 that I was at the beginning of the year. I go back to the doctor in two weeks, and I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible by then. I hope I lose at least 5lbs. I also want to be thinner for when I visit WSU and see B3 again. Apparently he weighs 165lbs now, and he's 8 inches taller than me. I'll feel very strange next to him which I don't like at all. We'll see how everything works out.

Anyway, it's bed time. I'll ttyl!

Annoyance

I am annoyed annoyed annoyed. I feel like right now if anyway said the wrong thing to me I would probably snap. Sad part is, is that it's all about boy issues, which makes me more annoyed with myself. Lovely cycle.

He doesn't text me all day, then he texts me to cancel plans, and then he hardly texts after that.

He and I had a great conversation, but I said something wrong. Now he won't talk to me or answer my texts. I want to talk to him because he tends to lessen my annoyance at the world, but no, right now he just wants to ignore me. Lovely Lovely lovely.

Grah! I'm so annoyed tonight that I honestly haven't found the will to focus on anything. I have a fucking midterm thursday that I NEED to study for, BUT I CAN'T! I hate that this is affecting me this way.

Maybe tonight will be my first night to take a sleeping pill...

Nervous

Ok, so it seems like everything tends to come in waves for me. It's either I get all or nothing, which is so incredibly crazy. Right now it seems to be that I'm getting a lot of boy attention. At least boy attention from people that I used to have a pretty good connection to.

So you remember P3 from before? Well, he's back in my life again. We were texting again last night and he wants to hang out and cuddle on Sunday when I go home this weekend. I initially said yes, but it gets more complicated from there. I thought that there was absolutely no way that he could have a crush on me because he just doesn't seem like he wants to date me, but last night he told me he did. I didn't know how to react. I told him that I couldn't date him, that I couldn't do long distance again, but that really hurt him and I feel bad for doing it. He then suggested that we become exclusive friends with benefits. I had to veto this one too because I do want to date other guys and I want to cuddle with B3, and I want to dance with people at dances. I can't be exclusive to someone who I know I will never have a relationship with, especially if I can hardly get this guy to talk to me about his daily life. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't date him, and I don't want to encourage the idea of friends with benefits.

I told him this last night and started to mention that I'm not sure that Sunday is a good idea anymore, but he kept saying that he really wanted to do it, so for now I'm saying yes to it. I'm still conflicted about it though because I know that if B3 found out about it he would basically freak. It's a pretty slutty thing to do, especially if I like another guy. B3 has asked me to do something similar that I'm conflicted on as well because I still like him, but at least B3 has some limits on what he would be willing to do. P3 would do pretty much anything with me. He honestly really wants to have sex with me, but I just can't give that to him. I think my first time should be special with a person I care about more than anything in the world. I love P3 and all, but he just isn't on that level in my mind. I wouldn't even have sex with B3 after dating him for 4 months. I just can't do it.

I don't know what to tell B3 or P3 anymore. I want a relationship with B3, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I don't want a relationship with P3, but he wants one with me. This is so complicated and I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do about this Sunday.

So the weeks go on.

Recently life has been pretty good for myself. Everyone else has gotten sick, but I remain healthy for the time being, which is very nice. I did use a sick excuse to get out of creative writing on Monday though, but I liked the rest I received during that time.

I think it's been a while since I wrote, so I guess I start off with the events of the weekend. Friday night was pretty relaxing and a lot of fun. A couple of friends just decided to play cards and then watch the jungle book. While playing cards I started winning by a lot and that made me very very hyper. On top of being hyper I was also tired, which makes for a very strange combination and a very strange me. I started rocking back and forth while humming a song, which I thought was perfectly normal at the time, but apparently creeped some people out. One of my friends Purple finally asked me to stop the insane rocking, and that was when I finally realized how creepy I was being. After that it just got worse though because then I started laughing about me being creepy, and my laugh was even more creepy. I couldn't stop laughing either, and I just kept rocking the whole time. I'm sure I literally looked like an insane person that needed to be put in an asylum. I did this for an hour before finally calming down. By the end of it my stomach didn't feel too well, but I was still pretty happy.

Right before the movie started that night I decided to get on my computer and check my friends blog. I found out that some serious shit had gone down, and a friendship that I thought wouldn't end, happened to be completely ripped apart with both girls hurting insubstantially. I wish I could fix their friendship and mend all of their problems, but the fact is, is that this distance is much too large for me to even attempt to fix. All I can do is try to stay out of it and be a friend to both of them right now. I know that they will both need my support in the coming times. It's hard though because I'm not home to take care of them. We'll see how that ends up.

During the movie I fell asleep, and so when it was over I decided to go to bed. The next morning I woke up at noon and walked over to DG with Kitten so that we could have brunch. Kitten wasn't feeling well, so she special ordered mac and cheese while I asked for a surprise me dish. I got my food first and it turned out to be a bowl of fruit, sausages, and hash browns. It tasted amazingly, but I got incredibly jealous when Kitten's food finally came out. It was home made mac and cheese with tiny shells as the noodles. It look FANTASTIC. I think next saturday I'm definitely going to have to order that. After eating, Kitten and I returned to Shepard and I cleaned up my room to prepare for two girls to stay in it.

These two girls were friends of Draco's and they ended up being a lot of fun. I had met one of them before, but the two of them fit perfectly with me and my room mate, it was great. I'm very glad that they came to visit and throughout the duration of their visit I had a lot of fun. After I went to dinner with them, it was time to head to DG for a bid day for newer new members like Kitten. Kitten and I walked there together and we ended up just watching a movie together. Did you know that the girls from bride wars were Delta Gamma's? We didn't until it was mentioned during the movie, which was pretty awesome. Legally Blonde was also a DG sorority. After that movie we decided to hang out for a little while longer and watch How To Train Your Dragon. I first went back to Shepard and grabbed the blanket Bubbles made for me and my Teddy. That movie was absolutely adorable and I love it to death. I also loved watching it while cuddled up in my favorite items.

After the movie, Kitten and I went back to Shepard where a nerf war was just starting. I had so much fun during the nerf war, and my team only lost one round. I ended up with my knees completely bruised and rug burns on my feet by the end of the night though. It was sooo much fun and I can't wait until we have another neft war soon.

Then Draco, Draco's friends, my roommate, and I went back to my room to read tarot cards. I'm new to this, but I think I did some pretty good readings that night. All of my readings were eerily accurate. One thing that bugs me though is that two girls afterwards took my deck and did a special reading for themselves. I don't like that they did that because tarot decks are supposed to be used by one person, and they aren't supposed to even attempt the harder reading until they get used to doing the easier readings. My friends didn't even ask if they could do a reading for themselves, they just took the cards and did the hardest reading in the book. It's really annoying, but I'm not going to tell them that it bothers me.

After that we all went to bed, and the next morning I woke up at noon again for brunch at DG. After brunch there was a new member "retreat," which was really just a meeting extended into 3 hours long. During the meeting though we did get to pick our preferences for bigs. I'm excited to get my big sister this week. I think they're supposed to surprise us with stuff in the next week, but I don't know when that's supposed to start. I'm so incredibly excited.

After the DG stuff I ended up doing all my homework that was due monday and tuesday except for math. I figured if I did that then I could concentrate on only math on monday and get it all done and ready for my test on Tuesday. I was wrong. That math was super hard and I just couldn't understand it. I had so many issues with it that I wasn't even able to do the assignment by it's due date. I begged for an extension and it was granted, but I still feel bad for not having been able to do it by the time it was due. I also think I got about a C on the test, and that's after staying up until 3am trying to learn the material.

The bright side of the last couple of days though has been the fact that B3 has started texting me again. We texted all last night and pretty much all of today. It's been some really good conversations. I think that our friendship has finally mended. I asked him yesterday whether he likes talking to me and whether he considers me to be a good friend and he said yes. I am so incredibly happy that it's finally worked out.

He also started talking about what's going to happen when I come visit. In the past he's talked about how he's going to try and buy me alcohol for me to try it out. Then on another occasion he's talked about how he's going to make me a sandwich of some sort that is supposed to be really good. He was shocked when I told him I hadn't even heard of it before. And today we've decided a third thing we're going to do when I visit. He wants to snuggle with me.

I'm extremely hesitant on the last one because I know that more emotions can be formed when cuddling, and at the current time I'm still trying to get over him. He talked me into it though, so I suppose I'll watch a movie with him one night and snuggle with him a little bit.

I'm mostly excited for spring break though because I'm going to be going to WSU with Bubbles. I miss her soooo much and I get to spend basically 5 entire days with just her. It's going to be so much fun!!!! I honestly wish that it were happening right now. I want to give Bubbles some cuddle love and lots of hugs. She has been pretty upset recently and I really wish I could be there to mommy her. I miss her so much.

Anyway, Shepard is headed to dinner so I have to go. I will write again some other time.

General Blarg

So I'm writing this post to see if maybe I'll be in the writing mood afterwards and actually able to do my essay that's due tomorrow at 11 am. I'm actually pretty pleased with how my essay is progressing thus far, I just have no motivation to continue with it. I also thinks it incredible that I got to quote my math book in my essay for children's classics. I love this class.

Anyway, I figured I'll tell you about what happened yesterday. I honestly don't remember much of the actual day time activities except that I skipped math in order to work on my essay that was supposed to be due by 2:30 yesterday, but instead I didn't get it finished and my teacher gave me an extension to tomorrow at 11. During class I just wrote my essay and got only one paragraph done in an hour.

All I remember after that is hanging out with Kitten and a couple of other people and just procrastinating on doing homework. Oh, I watched Glee as well yesterday with the group.

The one thing I really do remember though is that around 11:00 Wits asked for help on an essay he was writing on the French Revolution, and so I got to go and hang out with him and his girlfriend in the library. I had never met his girlfriend before so I was a little anxious, but I went anyway. She was really nice and a lot of fun. She helped me pick on Wits and so we got pretty distracted. I basically only got the bare minimum of my homework done while I was there and Wits was only able to write two paragraphs in 3 hours. This was really bad because today I had a French test (that I think I did badly on...) Eventually though I made the mistake of mentioning Kitten to him and the fact that she is going to be joining DG as well if she can. This launched ranting time.

I really enjoy it when Wits rants about people because his sarcasm is so incredibly funny, but it sucks that he is still incredibly frustrated by her. He ranted about her for a couple hours and eventually he had to say goodbye to his girlfriend because she needed to go back and go to sleep. After that Wits and I decided to migrate back to Shepard because we didn't want to be overheard ranting about Kitten. When we got back Wits continued to rant for a while longer and talked about how he just wanted her to stop being so hypocritical. After a while the rant finally died down and we started watching Rockcappella videos and started just talking normally.

In that moment I decided it was time I told him exactly why I'd been frustrated with him for so long. I showed him a conversation I'd had with Draco last week where I basically said that I didn't think that Wits had ever really been my friend or cared about me because of how easy it was for him to brush me aside this semester. When Wits saw that he immediately tried to rectify the situation and he told me that he isn't trying to ignore me, he just thought that no matter what I would be his friend that he thought there were many other friendships he thought he needed to fix. He had no clue how much I was being hurt by him and he told me that he has always cared about me. That he still thinks about me, it's just that he's been incredibly busy and that he associated me with Kitten and so wouldn't really talk to me because of her.

I really hate how many people dislike/ed me because of hanging out with Kitten. She's a great person and all, but she's really starting to screw my chances with friends. Not many people want to put up with her poutiness and superiorness that she puts up all the time. I can deal with it because I've had friends like that before and I know how to ignore it to some extent, but people literally don't talk to me because I hang out with her.

Anyway, back to where I was before. Wits and I talked for a really long time and we ended up rectifying our friendship and now we're on pretty good terms. I've actually hung out with him a lot in the last day and we're going to try and plan one time a week when I'll either play games with him or study. I like this plan, but we're having an issue figuring out where we're going to hang out. I don't want it to be in Shepard because of Kitten, but apparently people in Baxter (where his gf lives and where he hangs out all the time) dislike me because of him ranting to them. Apparently I'm known as "crazy" there, which bothers me. So I think for now we're going to hang out in the library once a week.

Wits also told me about my nickname in Baxter last night right before I was going to go to bed around 5am and because of the stuff that's been happening this week with my other friends I took it harder than I normally would. I don't like when people start hating me when they haven't even met me. It literally drives me insane and makes me think that I really need to change myself in some way. I can't fix myself though when I don't even know what I did wrong. One of the girls in Baxter was in my colloquium class (the mandatory freshman class) and I've known for a while that they don't like me for some reason, but last night it was confirmed, Wits doesn't know why though. I'm just frustrated with all of these things happening this week. I try and think of myself as a good person, but when so many people outside of my group of friends thinks I'm annoying, idiotic, bitch I don't know how to act.

Wits noticed that he had upset me by telling me about my nickname though, so he wouldn't let me go to bed until he was satisfied that I wasn't upset anymore. So I was up another hour later than I had originally said I would be. I ended up going to bed around 6am and got 3.5 hours of sleep last night.

I think soon I might go to Bishop (the health center on campus) and get some sleeping pills for the nights that I can't sleep because of my mind being too busy. I just have so much on my mind recently that it is really affecting my sleep schedule. Staying up until 6am last night, and then going to bed at 6pm and re-waking up at 10pm doesn't help it any either. I really need to get back on track to become healthy, but I don't want to become dependent on medications in order to sleep. Three people have told me to go though, so I think I might anyway. I have an infection I need to be taken care of anyway.

I guess it's time to actually start on my essay though. *Sigh* Talk at you all later. Toodles.

Stressed but not Stressed

I should be worried shit right now by the amount of homework I have, but instead my mind is in the mode of "I just don't care about anything school related." I have an essay to write that was technically due today, but I got an extension on it until Thursday morning at 11. I have a french test tomorrow that I am completely not ready for. I have to edit other people's poems for creative writing tomorrow, plus a reading assignment of some sort that I don't remember. And then I have to read 2/3rds of the Princess and the Goblin by Thursday afternoon. I don't even own the book yet in order to read it. I think I'm going to find it online though instead of actually buying it.

When I look at that it really doesn't seem like much, but that stuff is definitely going to take a lot of time. I also have DG stuff to do this week that I don't know the times exactly and some people want to watch movies for me.

Also, my friend Kitten I think is going to join DG. I don't really want her to even though I love her very much. I kind of want to get away from her a little bit, but she feels like I'm one of the only people that wants her around recently and so she wants to follow me to DG. I thought she wasn't going to be able to do it because of money concerns, but apparently she thinks it's actually a feasible option. I don't want to tell her no because DG is a really great place and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I honestly don't want her to join. DG was my escape from Shepard and the drama here, and she IS my drama here so if she follows me there will be no escape.

Wow... a really short post. For once.