I am annoyed annoyed annoyed. I feel like right now if anyway said the wrong thing to me I would probably snap. Sad part is, is that it's all about boy issues, which makes me more annoyed with myself. Lovely cycle.
He doesn't text me all day, then he texts me to cancel plans, and then he hardly texts after that.
He and I had a great conversation, but I said something wrong. Now he won't talk to me or answer my texts. I want to talk to him because he tends to lessen my annoyance at the world, but no, right now he just wants to ignore me. Lovely Lovely lovely.
Grah! I'm so annoyed tonight that I honestly haven't found the will to focus on anything. I have a fucking midterm thursday that I NEED to study for, BUT I CAN'T! I hate that this is affecting me this way.
Maybe tonight will be my first night to take a sleeping pill...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Nervous
Ok, so it seems like everything tends to come in waves for me. It's either I get all or nothing, which is so incredibly crazy. Right now it seems to be that I'm getting a lot of boy attention. At least boy attention from people that I used to have a pretty good connection to.
So you remember P3 from before? Well, he's back in my life again. We were texting again last night and he wants to hang out and cuddle on Sunday when I go home this weekend. I initially said yes, but it gets more complicated from there. I thought that there was absolutely no way that he could have a crush on me because he just doesn't seem like he wants to date me, but last night he told me he did. I didn't know how to react. I told him that I couldn't date him, that I couldn't do long distance again, but that really hurt him and I feel bad for doing it. He then suggested that we become exclusive friends with benefits. I had to veto this one too because I do want to date other guys and I want to cuddle with B3, and I want to dance with people at dances. I can't be exclusive to someone who I know I will never have a relationship with, especially if I can hardly get this guy to talk to me about his daily life. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't date him, and I don't want to encourage the idea of friends with benefits.
I told him this last night and started to mention that I'm not sure that Sunday is a good idea anymore, but he kept saying that he really wanted to do it, so for now I'm saying yes to it. I'm still conflicted about it though because I know that if B3 found out about it he would basically freak. It's a pretty slutty thing to do, especially if I like another guy. B3 has asked me to do something similar that I'm conflicted on as well because I still like him, but at least B3 has some limits on what he would be willing to do. P3 would do pretty much anything with me. He honestly really wants to have sex with me, but I just can't give that to him. I think my first time should be special with a person I care about more than anything in the world. I love P3 and all, but he just isn't on that level in my mind. I wouldn't even have sex with B3 after dating him for 4 months. I just can't do it.
I don't know what to tell B3 or P3 anymore. I want a relationship with B3, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I don't want a relationship with P3, but he wants one with me. This is so complicated and I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do about this Sunday.
So you remember P3 from before? Well, he's back in my life again. We were texting again last night and he wants to hang out and cuddle on Sunday when I go home this weekend. I initially said yes, but it gets more complicated from there. I thought that there was absolutely no way that he could have a crush on me because he just doesn't seem like he wants to date me, but last night he told me he did. I didn't know how to react. I told him that I couldn't date him, that I couldn't do long distance again, but that really hurt him and I feel bad for doing it. He then suggested that we become exclusive friends with benefits. I had to veto this one too because I do want to date other guys and I want to cuddle with B3, and I want to dance with people at dances. I can't be exclusive to someone who I know I will never have a relationship with, especially if I can hardly get this guy to talk to me about his daily life. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't date him, and I don't want to encourage the idea of friends with benefits.
I told him this last night and started to mention that I'm not sure that Sunday is a good idea anymore, but he kept saying that he really wanted to do it, so for now I'm saying yes to it. I'm still conflicted about it though because I know that if B3 found out about it he would basically freak. It's a pretty slutty thing to do, especially if I like another guy. B3 has asked me to do something similar that I'm conflicted on as well because I still like him, but at least B3 has some limits on what he would be willing to do. P3 would do pretty much anything with me. He honestly really wants to have sex with me, but I just can't give that to him. I think my first time should be special with a person I care about more than anything in the world. I love P3 and all, but he just isn't on that level in my mind. I wouldn't even have sex with B3 after dating him for 4 months. I just can't do it.
I don't know what to tell B3 or P3 anymore. I want a relationship with B3, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I don't want a relationship with P3, but he wants one with me. This is so complicated and I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do about this Sunday.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
So the weeks go on.
Recently life has been pretty good for myself. Everyone else has gotten sick, but I remain healthy for the time being, which is very nice. I did use a sick excuse to get out of creative writing on Monday though, but I liked the rest I received during that time.
I think it's been a while since I wrote, so I guess I start off with the events of the weekend. Friday night was pretty relaxing and a lot of fun. A couple of friends just decided to play cards and then watch the jungle book. While playing cards I started winning by a lot and that made me very very hyper. On top of being hyper I was also tired, which makes for a very strange combination and a very strange me. I started rocking back and forth while humming a song, which I thought was perfectly normal at the time, but apparently creeped some people out. One of my friends Purple finally asked me to stop the insane rocking, and that was when I finally realized how creepy I was being. After that it just got worse though because then I started laughing about me being creepy, and my laugh was even more creepy. I couldn't stop laughing either, and I just kept rocking the whole time. I'm sure I literally looked like an insane person that needed to be put in an asylum. I did this for an hour before finally calming down. By the end of it my stomach didn't feel too well, but I was still pretty happy.
Right before the movie started that night I decided to get on my computer and check my friends blog. I found out that some serious shit had gone down, and a friendship that I thought wouldn't end, happened to be completely ripped apart with both girls hurting insubstantially. I wish I could fix their friendship and mend all of their problems, but the fact is, is that this distance is much too large for me to even attempt to fix. All I can do is try to stay out of it and be a friend to both of them right now. I know that they will both need my support in the coming times. It's hard though because I'm not home to take care of them. We'll see how that ends up.
During the movie I fell asleep, and so when it was over I decided to go to bed. The next morning I woke up at noon and walked over to DG with Kitten so that we could have brunch. Kitten wasn't feeling well, so she special ordered mac and cheese while I asked for a surprise me dish. I got my food first and it turned out to be a bowl of fruit, sausages, and hash browns. It tasted amazingly, but I got incredibly jealous when Kitten's food finally came out. It was home made mac and cheese with tiny shells as the noodles. It look FANTASTIC. I think next saturday I'm definitely going to have to order that. After eating, Kitten and I returned to Shepard and I cleaned up my room to prepare for two girls to stay in it.
These two girls were friends of Draco's and they ended up being a lot of fun. I had met one of them before, but the two of them fit perfectly with me and my room mate, it was great. I'm very glad that they came to visit and throughout the duration of their visit I had a lot of fun. After I went to dinner with them, it was time to head to DG for a bid day for newer new members like Kitten. Kitten and I walked there together and we ended up just watching a movie together. Did you know that the girls from bride wars were Delta Gamma's? We didn't until it was mentioned during the movie, which was pretty awesome. Legally Blonde was also a DG sorority. After that movie we decided to hang out for a little while longer and watch How To Train Your Dragon. I first went back to Shepard and grabbed the blanket Bubbles made for me and my Teddy. That movie was absolutely adorable and I love it to death. I also loved watching it while cuddled up in my favorite items.
After the movie, Kitten and I went back to Shepard where a nerf war was just starting. I had so much fun during the nerf war, and my team only lost one round. I ended up with my knees completely bruised and rug burns on my feet by the end of the night though. It was sooo much fun and I can't wait until we have another neft war soon.
Then Draco, Draco's friends, my roommate, and I went back to my room to read tarot cards. I'm new to this, but I think I did some pretty good readings that night. All of my readings were eerily accurate. One thing that bugs me though is that two girls afterwards took my deck and did a special reading for themselves. I don't like that they did that because tarot decks are supposed to be used by one person, and they aren't supposed to even attempt the harder reading until they get used to doing the easier readings. My friends didn't even ask if they could do a reading for themselves, they just took the cards and did the hardest reading in the book. It's really annoying, but I'm not going to tell them that it bothers me.
After that we all went to bed, and the next morning I woke up at noon again for brunch at DG. After brunch there was a new member "retreat," which was really just a meeting extended into 3 hours long. During the meeting though we did get to pick our preferences for bigs. I'm excited to get my big sister this week. I think they're supposed to surprise us with stuff in the next week, but I don't know when that's supposed to start. I'm so incredibly excited.
After the DG stuff I ended up doing all my homework that was due monday and tuesday except for math. I figured if I did that then I could concentrate on only math on monday and get it all done and ready for my test on Tuesday. I was wrong. That math was super hard and I just couldn't understand it. I had so many issues with it that I wasn't even able to do the assignment by it's due date. I begged for an extension and it was granted, but I still feel bad for not having been able to do it by the time it was due. I also think I got about a C on the test, and that's after staying up until 3am trying to learn the material.
The bright side of the last couple of days though has been the fact that B3 has started texting me again. We texted all last night and pretty much all of today. It's been some really good conversations. I think that our friendship has finally mended. I asked him yesterday whether he likes talking to me and whether he considers me to be a good friend and he said yes. I am so incredibly happy that it's finally worked out.
He also started talking about what's going to happen when I come visit. In the past he's talked about how he's going to try and buy me alcohol for me to try it out. Then on another occasion he's talked about how he's going to make me a sandwich of some sort that is supposed to be really good. He was shocked when I told him I hadn't even heard of it before. And today we've decided a third thing we're going to do when I visit. He wants to snuggle with me.
I'm extremely hesitant on the last one because I know that more emotions can be formed when cuddling, and at the current time I'm still trying to get over him. He talked me into it though, so I suppose I'll watch a movie with him one night and snuggle with him a little bit.
I'm mostly excited for spring break though because I'm going to be going to WSU with Bubbles. I miss her soooo much and I get to spend basically 5 entire days with just her. It's going to be so much fun!!!! I honestly wish that it were happening right now. I want to give Bubbles some cuddle love and lots of hugs. She has been pretty upset recently and I really wish I could be there to mommy her. I miss her so much.
Anyway, Shepard is headed to dinner so I have to go. I will write again some other time.
I think it's been a while since I wrote, so I guess I start off with the events of the weekend. Friday night was pretty relaxing and a lot of fun. A couple of friends just decided to play cards and then watch the jungle book. While playing cards I started winning by a lot and that made me very very hyper. On top of being hyper I was also tired, which makes for a very strange combination and a very strange me. I started rocking back and forth while humming a song, which I thought was perfectly normal at the time, but apparently creeped some people out. One of my friends Purple finally asked me to stop the insane rocking, and that was when I finally realized how creepy I was being. After that it just got worse though because then I started laughing about me being creepy, and my laugh was even more creepy. I couldn't stop laughing either, and I just kept rocking the whole time. I'm sure I literally looked like an insane person that needed to be put in an asylum. I did this for an hour before finally calming down. By the end of it my stomach didn't feel too well, but I was still pretty happy.
Right before the movie started that night I decided to get on my computer and check my friends blog. I found out that some serious shit had gone down, and a friendship that I thought wouldn't end, happened to be completely ripped apart with both girls hurting insubstantially. I wish I could fix their friendship and mend all of their problems, but the fact is, is that this distance is much too large for me to even attempt to fix. All I can do is try to stay out of it and be a friend to both of them right now. I know that they will both need my support in the coming times. It's hard though because I'm not home to take care of them. We'll see how that ends up.
During the movie I fell asleep, and so when it was over I decided to go to bed. The next morning I woke up at noon and walked over to DG with Kitten so that we could have brunch. Kitten wasn't feeling well, so she special ordered mac and cheese while I asked for a surprise me dish. I got my food first and it turned out to be a bowl of fruit, sausages, and hash browns. It tasted amazingly, but I got incredibly jealous when Kitten's food finally came out. It was home made mac and cheese with tiny shells as the noodles. It look FANTASTIC. I think next saturday I'm definitely going to have to order that. After eating, Kitten and I returned to Shepard and I cleaned up my room to prepare for two girls to stay in it.
These two girls were friends of Draco's and they ended up being a lot of fun. I had met one of them before, but the two of them fit perfectly with me and my room mate, it was great. I'm very glad that they came to visit and throughout the duration of their visit I had a lot of fun. After I went to dinner with them, it was time to head to DG for a bid day for newer new members like Kitten. Kitten and I walked there together and we ended up just watching a movie together. Did you know that the girls from bride wars were Delta Gamma's? We didn't until it was mentioned during the movie, which was pretty awesome. Legally Blonde was also a DG sorority. After that movie we decided to hang out for a little while longer and watch How To Train Your Dragon. I first went back to Shepard and grabbed the blanket Bubbles made for me and my Teddy. That movie was absolutely adorable and I love it to death. I also loved watching it while cuddled up in my favorite items.
After the movie, Kitten and I went back to Shepard where a nerf war was just starting. I had so much fun during the nerf war, and my team only lost one round. I ended up with my knees completely bruised and rug burns on my feet by the end of the night though. It was sooo much fun and I can't wait until we have another neft war soon.
Then Draco, Draco's friends, my roommate, and I went back to my room to read tarot cards. I'm new to this, but I think I did some pretty good readings that night. All of my readings were eerily accurate. One thing that bugs me though is that two girls afterwards took my deck and did a special reading for themselves. I don't like that they did that because tarot decks are supposed to be used by one person, and they aren't supposed to even attempt the harder reading until they get used to doing the easier readings. My friends didn't even ask if they could do a reading for themselves, they just took the cards and did the hardest reading in the book. It's really annoying, but I'm not going to tell them that it bothers me.
After that we all went to bed, and the next morning I woke up at noon again for brunch at DG. After brunch there was a new member "retreat," which was really just a meeting extended into 3 hours long. During the meeting though we did get to pick our preferences for bigs. I'm excited to get my big sister this week. I think they're supposed to surprise us with stuff in the next week, but I don't know when that's supposed to start. I'm so incredibly excited.
After the DG stuff I ended up doing all my homework that was due monday and tuesday except for math. I figured if I did that then I could concentrate on only math on monday and get it all done and ready for my test on Tuesday. I was wrong. That math was super hard and I just couldn't understand it. I had so many issues with it that I wasn't even able to do the assignment by it's due date. I begged for an extension and it was granted, but I still feel bad for not having been able to do it by the time it was due. I also think I got about a C on the test, and that's after staying up until 3am trying to learn the material.
The bright side of the last couple of days though has been the fact that B3 has started texting me again. We texted all last night and pretty much all of today. It's been some really good conversations. I think that our friendship has finally mended. I asked him yesterday whether he likes talking to me and whether he considers me to be a good friend and he said yes. I am so incredibly happy that it's finally worked out.
He also started talking about what's going to happen when I come visit. In the past he's talked about how he's going to try and buy me alcohol for me to try it out. Then on another occasion he's talked about how he's going to make me a sandwich of some sort that is supposed to be really good. He was shocked when I told him I hadn't even heard of it before. And today we've decided a third thing we're going to do when I visit. He wants to snuggle with me.
I'm extremely hesitant on the last one because I know that more emotions can be formed when cuddling, and at the current time I'm still trying to get over him. He talked me into it though, so I suppose I'll watch a movie with him one night and snuggle with him a little bit.
I'm mostly excited for spring break though because I'm going to be going to WSU with Bubbles. I miss her soooo much and I get to spend basically 5 entire days with just her. It's going to be so much fun!!!! I honestly wish that it were happening right now. I want to give Bubbles some cuddle love and lots of hugs. She has been pretty upset recently and I really wish I could be there to mommy her. I miss her so much.
Anyway, Shepard is headed to dinner so I have to go. I will write again some other time.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
General Blarg
So I'm writing this post to see if maybe I'll be in the writing mood afterwards and actually able to do my essay that's due tomorrow at 11 am. I'm actually pretty pleased with how my essay is progressing thus far, I just have no motivation to continue with it. I also thinks it incredible that I got to quote my math book in my essay for children's classics. I love this class.
Anyway, I figured I'll tell you about what happened yesterday. I honestly don't remember much of the actual day time activities except that I skipped math in order to work on my essay that was supposed to be due by 2:30 yesterday, but instead I didn't get it finished and my teacher gave me an extension to tomorrow at 11. During class I just wrote my essay and got only one paragraph done in an hour.
All I remember after that is hanging out with Kitten and a couple of other people and just procrastinating on doing homework. Oh, I watched Glee as well yesterday with the group.
The one thing I really do remember though is that around 11:00 Wits asked for help on an essay he was writing on the French Revolution, and so I got to go and hang out with him and his girlfriend in the library. I had never met his girlfriend before so I was a little anxious, but I went anyway. She was really nice and a lot of fun. She helped me pick on Wits and so we got pretty distracted. I basically only got the bare minimum of my homework done while I was there and Wits was only able to write two paragraphs in 3 hours. This was really bad because today I had a French test (that I think I did badly on...) Eventually though I made the mistake of mentioning Kitten to him and the fact that she is going to be joining DG as well if she can. This launched ranting time.
I really enjoy it when Wits rants about people because his sarcasm is so incredibly funny, but it sucks that he is still incredibly frustrated by her. He ranted about her for a couple hours and eventually he had to say goodbye to his girlfriend because she needed to go back and go to sleep. After that Wits and I decided to migrate back to Shepard because we didn't want to be overheard ranting about Kitten. When we got back Wits continued to rant for a while longer and talked about how he just wanted her to stop being so hypocritical. After a while the rant finally died down and we started watching Rockcappella videos and started just talking normally.
In that moment I decided it was time I told him exactly why I'd been frustrated with him for so long. I showed him a conversation I'd had with Draco last week where I basically said that I didn't think that Wits had ever really been my friend or cared about me because of how easy it was for him to brush me aside this semester. When Wits saw that he immediately tried to rectify the situation and he told me that he isn't trying to ignore me, he just thought that no matter what I would be his friend that he thought there were many other friendships he thought he needed to fix. He had no clue how much I was being hurt by him and he told me that he has always cared about me. That he still thinks about me, it's just that he's been incredibly busy and that he associated me with Kitten and so wouldn't really talk to me because of her.
I really hate how many people dislike/ed me because of hanging out with Kitten. She's a great person and all, but she's really starting to screw my chances with friends. Not many people want to put up with her poutiness and superiorness that she puts up all the time. I can deal with it because I've had friends like that before and I know how to ignore it to some extent, but people literally don't talk to me because I hang out with her.
Anyway, back to where I was before. Wits and I talked for a really long time and we ended up rectifying our friendship and now we're on pretty good terms. I've actually hung out with him a lot in the last day and we're going to try and plan one time a week when I'll either play games with him or study. I like this plan, but we're having an issue figuring out where we're going to hang out. I don't want it to be in Shepard because of Kitten, but apparently people in Baxter (where his gf lives and where he hangs out all the time) dislike me because of him ranting to them. Apparently I'm known as "crazy" there, which bothers me. So I think for now we're going to hang out in the library once a week.
Wits also told me about my nickname in Baxter last night right before I was going to go to bed around 5am and because of the stuff that's been happening this week with my other friends I took it harder than I normally would. I don't like when people start hating me when they haven't even met me. It literally drives me insane and makes me think that I really need to change myself in some way. I can't fix myself though when I don't even know what I did wrong. One of the girls in Baxter was in my colloquium class (the mandatory freshman class) and I've known for a while that they don't like me for some reason, but last night it was confirmed, Wits doesn't know why though. I'm just frustrated with all of these things happening this week. I try and think of myself as a good person, but when so many people outside of my group of friends thinks I'm annoying, idiotic, bitch I don't know how to act.
Wits noticed that he had upset me by telling me about my nickname though, so he wouldn't let me go to bed until he was satisfied that I wasn't upset anymore. So I was up another hour later than I had originally said I would be. I ended up going to bed around 6am and got 3.5 hours of sleep last night.
I think soon I might go to Bishop (the health center on campus) and get some sleeping pills for the nights that I can't sleep because of my mind being too busy. I just have so much on my mind recently that it is really affecting my sleep schedule. Staying up until 6am last night, and then going to bed at 6pm and re-waking up at 10pm doesn't help it any either. I really need to get back on track to become healthy, but I don't want to become dependent on medications in order to sleep. Three people have told me to go though, so I think I might anyway. I have an infection I need to be taken care of anyway.
I guess it's time to actually start on my essay though. *Sigh* Talk at you all later. Toodles.
Anyway, I figured I'll tell you about what happened yesterday. I honestly don't remember much of the actual day time activities except that I skipped math in order to work on my essay that was supposed to be due by 2:30 yesterday, but instead I didn't get it finished and my teacher gave me an extension to tomorrow at 11. During class I just wrote my essay and got only one paragraph done in an hour.
All I remember after that is hanging out with Kitten and a couple of other people and just procrastinating on doing homework. Oh, I watched Glee as well yesterday with the group.
The one thing I really do remember though is that around 11:00 Wits asked for help on an essay he was writing on the French Revolution, and so I got to go and hang out with him and his girlfriend in the library. I had never met his girlfriend before so I was a little anxious, but I went anyway. She was really nice and a lot of fun. She helped me pick on Wits and so we got pretty distracted. I basically only got the bare minimum of my homework done while I was there and Wits was only able to write two paragraphs in 3 hours. This was really bad because today I had a French test (that I think I did badly on...) Eventually though I made the mistake of mentioning Kitten to him and the fact that she is going to be joining DG as well if she can. This launched ranting time.
I really enjoy it when Wits rants about people because his sarcasm is so incredibly funny, but it sucks that he is still incredibly frustrated by her. He ranted about her for a couple hours and eventually he had to say goodbye to his girlfriend because she needed to go back and go to sleep. After that Wits and I decided to migrate back to Shepard because we didn't want to be overheard ranting about Kitten. When we got back Wits continued to rant for a while longer and talked about how he just wanted her to stop being so hypocritical. After a while the rant finally died down and we started watching Rockcappella videos and started just talking normally.
In that moment I decided it was time I told him exactly why I'd been frustrated with him for so long. I showed him a conversation I'd had with Draco last week where I basically said that I didn't think that Wits had ever really been my friend or cared about me because of how easy it was for him to brush me aside this semester. When Wits saw that he immediately tried to rectify the situation and he told me that he isn't trying to ignore me, he just thought that no matter what I would be his friend that he thought there were many other friendships he thought he needed to fix. He had no clue how much I was being hurt by him and he told me that he has always cared about me. That he still thinks about me, it's just that he's been incredibly busy and that he associated me with Kitten and so wouldn't really talk to me because of her.
I really hate how many people dislike/ed me because of hanging out with Kitten. She's a great person and all, but she's really starting to screw my chances with friends. Not many people want to put up with her poutiness and superiorness that she puts up all the time. I can deal with it because I've had friends like that before and I know how to ignore it to some extent, but people literally don't talk to me because I hang out with her.
Anyway, back to where I was before. Wits and I talked for a really long time and we ended up rectifying our friendship and now we're on pretty good terms. I've actually hung out with him a lot in the last day and we're going to try and plan one time a week when I'll either play games with him or study. I like this plan, but we're having an issue figuring out where we're going to hang out. I don't want it to be in Shepard because of Kitten, but apparently people in Baxter (where his gf lives and where he hangs out all the time) dislike me because of him ranting to them. Apparently I'm known as "crazy" there, which bothers me. So I think for now we're going to hang out in the library once a week.
Wits also told me about my nickname in Baxter last night right before I was going to go to bed around 5am and because of the stuff that's been happening this week with my other friends I took it harder than I normally would. I don't like when people start hating me when they haven't even met me. It literally drives me insane and makes me think that I really need to change myself in some way. I can't fix myself though when I don't even know what I did wrong. One of the girls in Baxter was in my colloquium class (the mandatory freshman class) and I've known for a while that they don't like me for some reason, but last night it was confirmed, Wits doesn't know why though. I'm just frustrated with all of these things happening this week. I try and think of myself as a good person, but when so many people outside of my group of friends thinks I'm annoying, idiotic, bitch I don't know how to act.
Wits noticed that he had upset me by telling me about my nickname though, so he wouldn't let me go to bed until he was satisfied that I wasn't upset anymore. So I was up another hour later than I had originally said I would be. I ended up going to bed around 6am and got 3.5 hours of sleep last night.
I think soon I might go to Bishop (the health center on campus) and get some sleeping pills for the nights that I can't sleep because of my mind being too busy. I just have so much on my mind recently that it is really affecting my sleep schedule. Staying up until 6am last night, and then going to bed at 6pm and re-waking up at 10pm doesn't help it any either. I really need to get back on track to become healthy, but I don't want to become dependent on medications in order to sleep. Three people have told me to go though, so I think I might anyway. I have an infection I need to be taken care of anyway.
I guess it's time to actually start on my essay though. *Sigh* Talk at you all later. Toodles.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stressed but not Stressed
I should be worried shit right now by the amount of homework I have, but instead my mind is in the mode of "I just don't care about anything school related." I have an essay to write that was technically due today, but I got an extension on it until Thursday morning at 11. I have a french test tomorrow that I am completely not ready for. I have to edit other people's poems for creative writing tomorrow, plus a reading assignment of some sort that I don't remember. And then I have to read 2/3rds of the Princess and the Goblin by Thursday afternoon. I don't even own the book yet in order to read it. I think I'm going to find it online though instead of actually buying it.
When I look at that it really doesn't seem like much, but that stuff is definitely going to take a lot of time. I also have DG stuff to do this week that I don't know the times exactly and some people want to watch movies for me.
Also, my friend Kitten I think is going to join DG. I don't really want her to even though I love her very much. I kind of want to get away from her a little bit, but she feels like I'm one of the only people that wants her around recently and so she wants to follow me to DG. I thought she wasn't going to be able to do it because of money concerns, but apparently she thinks it's actually a feasible option. I don't want to tell her no because DG is a really great place and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I honestly don't want her to join. DG was my escape from Shepard and the drama here, and she IS my drama here so if she follows me there will be no escape.
Wow... a really short post. For once.
When I look at that it really doesn't seem like much, but that stuff is definitely going to take a lot of time. I also have DG stuff to do this week that I don't know the times exactly and some people want to watch movies for me.
Also, my friend Kitten I think is going to join DG. I don't really want her to even though I love her very much. I kind of want to get away from her a little bit, but she feels like I'm one of the only people that wants her around recently and so she wants to follow me to DG. I thought she wasn't going to be able to do it because of money concerns, but apparently she thinks it's actually a feasible option. I don't want to tell her no because DG is a really great place and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I honestly don't want her to join. DG was my escape from Shepard and the drama here, and she IS my drama here so if she follows me there will be no escape.
Wow... a really short post. For once.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Catching Up
So I have a lot to say in the next couple of posts. The first thing I'll say though, is that I really shouldn't be writing this at all right now because I really need to write an essay for class. I can't concentrate on that essay though, so I've decided to maybe try and open up my writing mind by writing in my blog.
Saturday night was definitely a night of first for me, but it was also disappointing. The day started out really well though. I went to brunch and got a strawberry waffle with whipped cream that was absolutely delicious, and then I went to the mandatory meeting for new greek members at my school with all of my other new members. The meeting was pretty boring at first, but when we were told to actually plan a greek event on campus it got a little bit more interesting.
All of us new members from every greek chapter on campus were divided up into 4 different groups. I think we had about two to three people from each chapter in each group. My group was group 1 and we went all the way up to the third floor of the building. Once we were in our room we broke into three smaller groups to brainstorm ideas. My group came up with the idea of planning a BBQ with a movie afterwards and a firework show. I doubt the fireworks would work, but the BBQ and movie I could see happening. We also thought to combine this idea with another groups idea of a field day. We would set up different greek oriented field games, like an obstacle course that had some of the greek signs on it. I like this idea, but I don't know how many students outside of our greek system will actually show up for it.
As a large group we also discussed an idea for a greek only event. They thought it would be really awesome to play "Assassin's" using every chapter. This game can apparently go on for days and how it works is that every single person is given one target and they have to try and kill this target using some sort of method. When the kill their target, then the take on their old targets new target until there are only two people left. Then these last two people try and kill each other and it starts to become a big group thing where entire houses can end up trying to help the last two people. This idea can happen from one year to the next where the winning person gets a trophy to keep in their house. I suggested that the way people are killed is by shouting out their middle name or something, but a lot of people didn't really like this idea. One of the directors though really liked it so I think they might try and come up with something similar to it.
After the new member meeting was over me and a couple of my friends decided to decorate white t-shirts for the black light dance that night. At first I was really unsure as to what I wanted to do, but eventually I figured it out. I cut the sides up and then tied them back together again, and then I braided neon pink and greek yarn together and wove it down the sides. I also cut the sleeves shorter because it was a guys shirt and the sleeves felt weird on it and wove my braided yarn around the edges of that. Afterwards I then pulled my braided yarn around the collar of my shirt as well. To top it off I drew swirly pictures on it in highlighter. It ended up being pretty cool if I do say so myself, even though it took me 3 hours to complete. After that I ran to dinner and ate really fast and then came back to Shepard to shower and get ready for the dance.
After I showered and got dressed I went over to DG and got ready with my friends there. One of my friends Party-Gurl did my make up for me and then we waited around to hear from a guy in Sigma Chi about going over to pre game the dance. I had a minor headache at the time and so I drank two glasses of water while we were waiting. At one point we got impatient though and decided to just head over to Kaneko (a large dorm on campus) and have a couple shots of Rum.
When we got to my friends dorm room to find the alcohol they got out the shot glasses and filled them up with the remaining rum in the bottle. At first I was afraid to take the shot and missed it when my friends did it, and so they teased me about it quite a bit. They cajoled me into actually taking the shot later on though when they decided to take a shot with literally what was left in the bottle which meant that I only had to take half a shot. I didn't make a face or cough when I took the shot though so they were pretty proud of me.
After that we finally heard from the guy in Sigma Chi and so we headed over there to drink some more. In his room he had a big bottle of vodka set up with salt and limes ready to be used. Party-Gurl and my other friend Montag Girl took a couple more shots of vodka and then had me take two half shots. At one point I didn't tip my head back far enough and so the guy laughed at me a little bit. That was all the alcohol I drank that night, and honestly, it didn't even get me slightly buzzed. It might have for half an hour, but even then I didn't really feel any different from normal. By the time the dance started though Party-Gurl and Montag Girl were completely trashed. They could hardly walk normally let alone dance.
The boy from Sigma Chi took care of Party-Gurl for a while until two girls took over and took her back to their dorm. I was left to watch out for Montag Girl though. She wanted me to dance and have fun so she kept trying to push me into other guys around me and I thought that was pretty awkward, but it was fun to watch her. She also liked to tackle people and tell them exactly how much she loved them. At one point though she kept getting completely overwhelmed by the heat and had to sit down. One of the girls from my sorority came over and ended up taking her home. I was then left to fend for myself in the group of people there. I quickly sought out a couple of the girls I knew there and one girl Dancer actually helped teach me how to grind dance. She ended up asking a guy if he would "dance with my friend" and he said "ok sure". I honestly have to say that that was one of the most awkward dances ever. He was too tall so his dick wasn't even close to the right spot and I just didn't know what to do, so after half a song I just ended telling him "sorry, but I have to find my friend." He understood and then for the rest of the night I just walked around and danced with Dancer.
After the dance I hung out with Dancer and another new member at DG for a bit, but then they decided it was time to go home. I walked Dancer to her work so that she could pick up the stuff she had left there and then went back to my dorm.
When I got back to Shepard everyone was still awake and so I sat down to talk to them for a little bit. Then I went to change and whip off my makeup. Kitten though that I wasn't going to come back out after I left to go change into PJ's but I surprised her by actually returning. When I got back though we started talking about the Tarot readings that one of my other friends was doing for people. I asked her for a reading of my own and she said ok.
My question for the reading was this "Am I doing the right thing to get a guy?" and throughout the duration of the reading basically the cards said that yes I am and that the only thing holding me back is my own self confidence. I don't honestly trust the cards completely, but I still like to be told that by some people. I hope I do get a guy soon, especially since this weekend is Valentines day. It's going to suck going around without any boyfriend and watching all the other happy couples walk by.
I ended up sleeping in late on Sunday and then I did homework all day with Dancer. I had a new members meeting to go to that night, but after that I stuck around DG and did more homework for other classes. I ended up getting back to Shepard at around midnight and went strait to bed. I couldn't sleep though last night and so I ended up falling asleep around 4 am. I was supposed to get up and go to a work out at 8am this morning but I was so exhausted I just texted Javelin and told him I couldn't do it. I also ended up procrastinating on my homework and barely got it done in time for all of my classes today. I still have an essay to write, but I just can't seem to start it.
There has been something on my mind ever since I had a conversation with someone yesterday. I feel like I've sort of been betrayed by a close friend, but at the same time I understand why they did it. Someone now hates me because of something I said to a friend about them. None of the good stuff I said about him made it to him, just the bad, and now he thinks I'm a complete and total bitch. I don't like anyone hating me if I don't deserve it. What's worse is that he thinks that what he was told was a direct quote from me, but it was actually the person paraphrasing me. I honestly think that this guy can be a good guy, I just think that he is a little bit judgmental. When I was around him he made me feel very insecure, and I've heard people talk about him since then and they've told me bad stories.
Soon my friend might date this guy though and I'm seriously worried about this. Two of my friends have stopped being my friends for a time, simply because of their boyfriends and I don't want this to happen with this girl. I value her as one of my absolute closest friends, but I'm seriously worried. I try to be supportive of all of my friends unless I truly believe to the core of my being that the guy they're dating is cruel and abusive. I want to give this guy a chance, but now I don't see how it's possible because he won't give me a chance.
I also got accused of not being able to get over grudges because there is one guy that I hate more than any person in the world. This guy is B3's roommate and he thinks its funny to make me cry. So he's done it time and time again. I accepted a friend request from him last week to see if maybe he'd change and maybe I could give him a chance again, but no he ended up being an ass to me again. Even though he could have just talked to me on his own account, he got on B3's computer and talked to me there. I could tell that he was making fun of me, but at the time I thought it was B3, and B3 knows I have body issues. He thought what was being said was harmless, but it ended up hurting me a lot more than expected. When I told him this last night he tried to cheer me up, but it just wasn't working. I will admit though that he did get me to smile a couple of times.
Last night just wasn't a good night. I want to talk to my friend that might date this guy, but I honestly don't want to cause more drama by doing so. Well, I guess I'll just see what happens.
This was literally all I could write about during Creative Writing today, it's consumed my mind and I need to get it out somehow.
Saturday night was definitely a night of first for me, but it was also disappointing. The day started out really well though. I went to brunch and got a strawberry waffle with whipped cream that was absolutely delicious, and then I went to the mandatory meeting for new greek members at my school with all of my other new members. The meeting was pretty boring at first, but when we were told to actually plan a greek event on campus it got a little bit more interesting.
All of us new members from every greek chapter on campus were divided up into 4 different groups. I think we had about two to three people from each chapter in each group. My group was group 1 and we went all the way up to the third floor of the building. Once we were in our room we broke into three smaller groups to brainstorm ideas. My group came up with the idea of planning a BBQ with a movie afterwards and a firework show. I doubt the fireworks would work, but the BBQ and movie I could see happening. We also thought to combine this idea with another groups idea of a field day. We would set up different greek oriented field games, like an obstacle course that had some of the greek signs on it. I like this idea, but I don't know how many students outside of our greek system will actually show up for it.
As a large group we also discussed an idea for a greek only event. They thought it would be really awesome to play "Assassin's" using every chapter. This game can apparently go on for days and how it works is that every single person is given one target and they have to try and kill this target using some sort of method. When the kill their target, then the take on their old targets new target until there are only two people left. Then these last two people try and kill each other and it starts to become a big group thing where entire houses can end up trying to help the last two people. This idea can happen from one year to the next where the winning person gets a trophy to keep in their house. I suggested that the way people are killed is by shouting out their middle name or something, but a lot of people didn't really like this idea. One of the directors though really liked it so I think they might try and come up with something similar to it.
After the new member meeting was over me and a couple of my friends decided to decorate white t-shirts for the black light dance that night. At first I was really unsure as to what I wanted to do, but eventually I figured it out. I cut the sides up and then tied them back together again, and then I braided neon pink and greek yarn together and wove it down the sides. I also cut the sleeves shorter because it was a guys shirt and the sleeves felt weird on it and wove my braided yarn around the edges of that. Afterwards I then pulled my braided yarn around the collar of my shirt as well. To top it off I drew swirly pictures on it in highlighter. It ended up being pretty cool if I do say so myself, even though it took me 3 hours to complete. After that I ran to dinner and ate really fast and then came back to Shepard to shower and get ready for the dance.
After I showered and got dressed I went over to DG and got ready with my friends there. One of my friends Party-Gurl did my make up for me and then we waited around to hear from a guy in Sigma Chi about going over to pre game the dance. I had a minor headache at the time and so I drank two glasses of water while we were waiting. At one point we got impatient though and decided to just head over to Kaneko (a large dorm on campus) and have a couple shots of Rum.
When we got to my friends dorm room to find the alcohol they got out the shot glasses and filled them up with the remaining rum in the bottle. At first I was afraid to take the shot and missed it when my friends did it, and so they teased me about it quite a bit. They cajoled me into actually taking the shot later on though when they decided to take a shot with literally what was left in the bottle which meant that I only had to take half a shot. I didn't make a face or cough when I took the shot though so they were pretty proud of me.
After that we finally heard from the guy in Sigma Chi and so we headed over there to drink some more. In his room he had a big bottle of vodka set up with salt and limes ready to be used. Party-Gurl and my other friend Montag Girl took a couple more shots of vodka and then had me take two half shots. At one point I didn't tip my head back far enough and so the guy laughed at me a little bit. That was all the alcohol I drank that night, and honestly, it didn't even get me slightly buzzed. It might have for half an hour, but even then I didn't really feel any different from normal. By the time the dance started though Party-Gurl and Montag Girl were completely trashed. They could hardly walk normally let alone dance.
The boy from Sigma Chi took care of Party-Gurl for a while until two girls took over and took her back to their dorm. I was left to watch out for Montag Girl though. She wanted me to dance and have fun so she kept trying to push me into other guys around me and I thought that was pretty awkward, but it was fun to watch her. She also liked to tackle people and tell them exactly how much she loved them. At one point though she kept getting completely overwhelmed by the heat and had to sit down. One of the girls from my sorority came over and ended up taking her home. I was then left to fend for myself in the group of people there. I quickly sought out a couple of the girls I knew there and one girl Dancer actually helped teach me how to grind dance. She ended up asking a guy if he would "dance with my friend" and he said "ok sure". I honestly have to say that that was one of the most awkward dances ever. He was too tall so his dick wasn't even close to the right spot and I just didn't know what to do, so after half a song I just ended telling him "sorry, but I have to find my friend." He understood and then for the rest of the night I just walked around and danced with Dancer.
After the dance I hung out with Dancer and another new member at DG for a bit, but then they decided it was time to go home. I walked Dancer to her work so that she could pick up the stuff she had left there and then went back to my dorm.
When I got back to Shepard everyone was still awake and so I sat down to talk to them for a little bit. Then I went to change and whip off my makeup. Kitten though that I wasn't going to come back out after I left to go change into PJ's but I surprised her by actually returning. When I got back though we started talking about the Tarot readings that one of my other friends was doing for people. I asked her for a reading of my own and she said ok.
My question for the reading was this "Am I doing the right thing to get a guy?" and throughout the duration of the reading basically the cards said that yes I am and that the only thing holding me back is my own self confidence. I don't honestly trust the cards completely, but I still like to be told that by some people. I hope I do get a guy soon, especially since this weekend is Valentines day. It's going to suck going around without any boyfriend and watching all the other happy couples walk by.
I ended up sleeping in late on Sunday and then I did homework all day with Dancer. I had a new members meeting to go to that night, but after that I stuck around DG and did more homework for other classes. I ended up getting back to Shepard at around midnight and went strait to bed. I couldn't sleep though last night and so I ended up falling asleep around 4 am. I was supposed to get up and go to a work out at 8am this morning but I was so exhausted I just texted Javelin and told him I couldn't do it. I also ended up procrastinating on my homework and barely got it done in time for all of my classes today. I still have an essay to write, but I just can't seem to start it.
There has been something on my mind ever since I had a conversation with someone yesterday. I feel like I've sort of been betrayed by a close friend, but at the same time I understand why they did it. Someone now hates me because of something I said to a friend about them. None of the good stuff I said about him made it to him, just the bad, and now he thinks I'm a complete and total bitch. I don't like anyone hating me if I don't deserve it. What's worse is that he thinks that what he was told was a direct quote from me, but it was actually the person paraphrasing me. I honestly think that this guy can be a good guy, I just think that he is a little bit judgmental. When I was around him he made me feel very insecure, and I've heard people talk about him since then and they've told me bad stories.
Soon my friend might date this guy though and I'm seriously worried about this. Two of my friends have stopped being my friends for a time, simply because of their boyfriends and I don't want this to happen with this girl. I value her as one of my absolute closest friends, but I'm seriously worried. I try to be supportive of all of my friends unless I truly believe to the core of my being that the guy they're dating is cruel and abusive. I want to give this guy a chance, but now I don't see how it's possible because he won't give me a chance.
I also got accused of not being able to get over grudges because there is one guy that I hate more than any person in the world. This guy is B3's roommate and he thinks its funny to make me cry. So he's done it time and time again. I accepted a friend request from him last week to see if maybe he'd change and maybe I could give him a chance again, but no he ended up being an ass to me again. Even though he could have just talked to me on his own account, he got on B3's computer and talked to me there. I could tell that he was making fun of me, but at the time I thought it was B3, and B3 knows I have body issues. He thought what was being said was harmless, but it ended up hurting me a lot more than expected. When I told him this last night he tried to cheer me up, but it just wasn't working. I will admit though that he did get me to smile a couple of times.
Last night just wasn't a good night. I want to talk to my friend that might date this guy, but I honestly don't want to cause more drama by doing so. Well, I guess I'll just see what happens.
This was literally all I could write about during Creative Writing today, it's consumed my mind and I need to get it out somehow.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Striking thoughts
In the last couple of days, especially today, I've had moments where I'll think something that'll lead to another idea.
What struck me just now is my thoughts on friends. I've had so many friends over the years, some closer than others, but there are only a few who I can say have been in my life for more than half of it. Actually, all I can think of are two people. Friends come and go, and shift around. Some friends that I was never close to before are now the people I confide in the most. Some friends who I used to confide in all the time are now more distant. It's really strange how friends can be. I love every single one of my friends and I would hate it for anything to happen to them. I also wish that I could be closer to the ones that I've left behind.
I think of myself as an open person, but I honestly don't know if that's the truth. Sure I'll answer any question you give me, but do I always answer with the truth? I say white lies all the time in order to spare people's feelings, and even though that may be for kindness's sake, it's still a lie. I want to change this, but the other night when I finally decided to tell the complete truth to someone even though I knew it would upset them, it caused our friendship to hit another rough patch.
I've got a long list of things that I hate about myself that I want to change somehow:
1) My weight
2) The amount of lieing I do.
3) My dependance on telling everyone everything about my life.
4) How messy I am all the time. I like clean area's, I'm just too lazy to keep clean normally.
5) How much I care about what other people think of me.
6) My limitations on things that I can do. (This one is actually already in the process of changing)
Those are just the things I'm thinking about right now, but I know that there are thousands more. Right now I especially hate the third one. It's caused me so much pain because I know that it's wrong, but I keep doing it anyway. I can't stop and I really really need to. Not everyone wants or needs to know about my life, and there are some things in my life that I know about that are not my right to tell. I've harmed other people by telling some of my harder stories, and in the process it's harmed my friendships to them.
The good thing is, is that I think I'm working on number 1 and number 6 a lot this week. If you ask B3 about me, he'd probably tell you that I like to crawl into a shell and never emerge from it. We used to have a lot of arguments because there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I was afraid of doing it. The number one thing was working out with him. I didn't want to work out with him because I felt like I'd be embarrassing myself in front of him with how out of shape I am. We argued about this so much because he wanted to work out with me so bad, and I just couldn't do it. This last week changed though. I actually went to the gym with a guy twice. It wasn't that bad either because he went and lifted weights and I ran on the elliptical. I didn't feel like I was being judged at all. I only wish I could have found that confidence when I was still dating B3, it might have saved us a lot of arguments.
Another argument I would have with B3 was about dancing at a party and getting drunk. I was terrified to do these things, but he would try so hard to talk me out of my fear. We almost went to a frat party when I was there last time, but the decided to change at the last minute when they found out that they had to pay $5 to get in and they didn't have the money. I also wouldn't go the free dance that they had at his school on my first visit because I was scared to dance with him. I've never danced with a guy ever. There was one moment when I sort of slow danced with a guy, but it was awkward and we were about 2 feet apart so I don't really think that that counts. Tomorrow that's going to change though. I'm going to go to a frat party and I'm determined to get drunk and dance with at least one guy. I want to have fun, and I want to break myself of this fear. I think I'll be safe because of how many DG girls I'm going with, and I'm pretty sure that they'll take care of me.
The last thing I did that I thought I would never do recently was actually join DG. I never thought that I would be a sorority girl, but here I am now and I'm loving it. It was definitely one of the best decisions I've made.
There is a problem with all of the things I've changed about myself recently. I feel like I'm secretly trying to please B3, because they're all things that we either used to fight about or things that he would push me to try recently. I don't want to do stuff because he tells me to, but I really feel like that's what I'm doing. I think secretly I hope that he'll like me better if I do what he wants me to do, but at the same time I really don't want him back. I know that I could never date him again, and I know that I never would, but I can't stop myself from trying to make him love me still. We have been apart now longer than we were together, and I'm still in love with him. I need this to stop so badly that it's causing me to do stupid things.
I keep thinking about tomorrow night and hoping that I'll find some guy to fool around with, but at the same time I don't want that to happen at all. I'm not that kind of girl that goes for the one night stand, especially when I haven't even done oral yet. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret tomorrow night, but there are so many things that I desperately want to do.
I also have started texting a guy that I told myself I would never text again. I like the kind of satisfaction I get when I find out that pictures of me can make a guy horny. It's bad and dirty, but it makes me feel so self confident and proud that I have felt the need to do it recently. I hate that I have that compulsion, but it is such an empowering feeling that I just can't stop. It drives me nuts though when I don't get a reaction and so sometimes (like tonight) it can be just painstaking.
Going back to the friends topic from earlier I just want to say that I've discovered that I can be a little bit too clingy with some friends. Some friends want their space, but when they try to take it without telling me, I freak out a little bit and start getting upset. I did this to Wits a couple days ago, and I don't know if I've permanently caused a problem in our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I honestly think that the harder I try to keep him as a friend the less likely our friendship will last.
So there, I have two more things to add to my list:
1) Compulsion to do something dirty
2) Clinginess to friends
Maybe I can change these things in time, but for right now I'll continue working on one thing at a time. I just seriously hope that I'm not doing all these things to try and get approval from B3.
What struck me just now is my thoughts on friends. I've had so many friends over the years, some closer than others, but there are only a few who I can say have been in my life for more than half of it. Actually, all I can think of are two people. Friends come and go, and shift around. Some friends that I was never close to before are now the people I confide in the most. Some friends who I used to confide in all the time are now more distant. It's really strange how friends can be. I love every single one of my friends and I would hate it for anything to happen to them. I also wish that I could be closer to the ones that I've left behind.
I think of myself as an open person, but I honestly don't know if that's the truth. Sure I'll answer any question you give me, but do I always answer with the truth? I say white lies all the time in order to spare people's feelings, and even though that may be for kindness's sake, it's still a lie. I want to change this, but the other night when I finally decided to tell the complete truth to someone even though I knew it would upset them, it caused our friendship to hit another rough patch.
I've got a long list of things that I hate about myself that I want to change somehow:
1) My weight
2) The amount of lieing I do.
3) My dependance on telling everyone everything about my life.
4) How messy I am all the time. I like clean area's, I'm just too lazy to keep clean normally.
5) How much I care about what other people think of me.
6) My limitations on things that I can do. (This one is actually already in the process of changing)
Those are just the things I'm thinking about right now, but I know that there are thousands more. Right now I especially hate the third one. It's caused me so much pain because I know that it's wrong, but I keep doing it anyway. I can't stop and I really really need to. Not everyone wants or needs to know about my life, and there are some things in my life that I know about that are not my right to tell. I've harmed other people by telling some of my harder stories, and in the process it's harmed my friendships to them.
The good thing is, is that I think I'm working on number 1 and number 6 a lot this week. If you ask B3 about me, he'd probably tell you that I like to crawl into a shell and never emerge from it. We used to have a lot of arguments because there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I was afraid of doing it. The number one thing was working out with him. I didn't want to work out with him because I felt like I'd be embarrassing myself in front of him with how out of shape I am. We argued about this so much because he wanted to work out with me so bad, and I just couldn't do it. This last week changed though. I actually went to the gym with a guy twice. It wasn't that bad either because he went and lifted weights and I ran on the elliptical. I didn't feel like I was being judged at all. I only wish I could have found that confidence when I was still dating B3, it might have saved us a lot of arguments.
Another argument I would have with B3 was about dancing at a party and getting drunk. I was terrified to do these things, but he would try so hard to talk me out of my fear. We almost went to a frat party when I was there last time, but the decided to change at the last minute when they found out that they had to pay $5 to get in and they didn't have the money. I also wouldn't go the free dance that they had at his school on my first visit because I was scared to dance with him. I've never danced with a guy ever. There was one moment when I sort of slow danced with a guy, but it was awkward and we were about 2 feet apart so I don't really think that that counts. Tomorrow that's going to change though. I'm going to go to a frat party and I'm determined to get drunk and dance with at least one guy. I want to have fun, and I want to break myself of this fear. I think I'll be safe because of how many DG girls I'm going with, and I'm pretty sure that they'll take care of me.
The last thing I did that I thought I would never do recently was actually join DG. I never thought that I would be a sorority girl, but here I am now and I'm loving it. It was definitely one of the best decisions I've made.
There is a problem with all of the things I've changed about myself recently. I feel like I'm secretly trying to please B3, because they're all things that we either used to fight about or things that he would push me to try recently. I don't want to do stuff because he tells me to, but I really feel like that's what I'm doing. I think secretly I hope that he'll like me better if I do what he wants me to do, but at the same time I really don't want him back. I know that I could never date him again, and I know that I never would, but I can't stop myself from trying to make him love me still. We have been apart now longer than we were together, and I'm still in love with him. I need this to stop so badly that it's causing me to do stupid things.
I keep thinking about tomorrow night and hoping that I'll find some guy to fool around with, but at the same time I don't want that to happen at all. I'm not that kind of girl that goes for the one night stand, especially when I haven't even done oral yet. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret tomorrow night, but there are so many things that I desperately want to do.
I also have started texting a guy that I told myself I would never text again. I like the kind of satisfaction I get when I find out that pictures of me can make a guy horny. It's bad and dirty, but it makes me feel so self confident and proud that I have felt the need to do it recently. I hate that I have that compulsion, but it is such an empowering feeling that I just can't stop. It drives me nuts though when I don't get a reaction and so sometimes (like tonight) it can be just painstaking.
Going back to the friends topic from earlier I just want to say that I've discovered that I can be a little bit too clingy with some friends. Some friends want their space, but when they try to take it without telling me, I freak out a little bit and start getting upset. I did this to Wits a couple days ago, and I don't know if I've permanently caused a problem in our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I honestly think that the harder I try to keep him as a friend the less likely our friendship will last.
So there, I have two more things to add to my list:
1) Compulsion to do something dirty
2) Clinginess to friends
Maybe I can change these things in time, but for right now I'll continue working on one thing at a time. I just seriously hope that I'm not doing all these things to try and get approval from B3.
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