Weekends

I realize this is the first post that I've done in a long time, but it's because this is the first time in a long time that I've needed to. It really hurts knowing so many people in my life had amazing weekends while I had one that could probably be the worst one of my life. To sum it up really fast: Friday night B3 told me he was super happy because he made out with a super hot girl, Saturday night I spent 4 hours stopping a girl from committing suicide and then had an hour conversation with B3 about another different girl, Sunday I had to deal with everyone asking about the girl and B3 told me that he was going to ask a girl out. Monday didn't get any better. I got about 3 hours of very broken sleep, had a migraine all day, had to go down to honor board in DG and tell a bunch of people what happened Saturday night, and then go do math. When I went to go do math I found out that my friend who had tried to commit suicide found out that her roommate that day had overdosed and slit her wrists and arms. Honor board decided she needed to come sleep at the house, but she didn't trust anyone so she refused. They're smothering her and I'm afraid that it's my fault. Right now I just don't know what to do. I texted B3 last night asking if he could talk because normally he makes me happy or de-stresses me, but instead he didn't respond until it was 1am and ended up just saying "Too bad trust me it'll be ok" instead of just listening to everything that was wrong. I also said I'm sorry for bothering him and his response was "I was with Ceara, I'm fine" which pretty much just made me more upset. I don't want to hear about how the ex boyfriend I have feelings for won't help me because he's with another girl. After that I just couldn't sleep. I was balling so hard and I just didn't know what to do. I ended up falling asleep around 3:30 and now I've decided to skip class.

Time Fly's

It's crazy to believe that it's been 10 days since I last wrote. So much has gone on that it would be pretty much impossible to cover it all.

I've been having a great time recently and haven't had too many conflicts. There are a couple of things that plague my thoughts, but not much.

B3 issues are still prevalent, and getting worse again, but I think I can manage them. He wants to cuddle when I visit, and I told him yes. He mentioned wanting to do more, but I'm not sure on that one yet. I will get drunk with him, I will go to a party, and I will cuddle. I think I'm becoming more confident in myself, I only hope that I don't get hurt. I'm going to make him promise to still talk to me afterwards, because him not talking to me will drive me nuts. I also feel like I might be getting too clingy recently and I don't want that to happen.

In other news, I now have a Big in DG and a twin :) I'm very excited and tonight we had a great pirate themed hang out time. Our family is called the nauticals so we tend to do a lot of things that concern pirates. I'm really happy with the family I have been given, even though it may be small. We're actually the smallest family in the dorm right now. We only have 5 members, two sets of twins, and my current Big Big. I think I'm going to have so much fun.

Another big thing that's been on my mind the last couple of days would be the fact that my dad wants me to consider engineering as a major. My school does not offer it, so if I looked into it I would have to transfer schools. If I transferred schools it would be to WSU, which is where B3 goes. I mentioned this to him because I wanted to know if he would think it would be awkward and his response was that he'd love it. In fact he mentioned that he'd want to get back together if I moved there. I'm so conflicted. In no way whatsoever do I want to choose to go there simply because of him. That is so ridiculous and I won't let myself be pulled into an action like that.

The last big thing recently that I have been doing is trying to lose weight. I've been practicing for serenades recently with my other new members and so that has been getting me more active, but in addition to that I'm also trying to watch what I eat. When I went to the doctor last week I realized that I've gained 20lbs since starting school, and I seriously need to lose them again. I do not want to weight 190lbs. I'd much prefer to be the 170 that I was at the beginning of the year. I go back to the doctor in two weeks, and I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible by then. I hope I lose at least 5lbs. I also want to be thinner for when I visit WSU and see B3 again. Apparently he weighs 165lbs now, and he's 8 inches taller than me. I'll feel very strange next to him which I don't like at all. We'll see how everything works out.

Anyway, it's bed time. I'll ttyl!

Annoyance

I am annoyed annoyed annoyed. I feel like right now if anyway said the wrong thing to me I would probably snap. Sad part is, is that it's all about boy issues, which makes me more annoyed with myself. Lovely cycle.

He doesn't text me all day, then he texts me to cancel plans, and then he hardly texts after that.

He and I had a great conversation, but I said something wrong. Now he won't talk to me or answer my texts. I want to talk to him because he tends to lessen my annoyance at the world, but no, right now he just wants to ignore me. Lovely Lovely lovely.

Grah! I'm so annoyed tonight that I honestly haven't found the will to focus on anything. I have a fucking midterm thursday that I NEED to study for, BUT I CAN'T! I hate that this is affecting me this way.

Maybe tonight will be my first night to take a sleeping pill...

Nervous

Ok, so it seems like everything tends to come in waves for me. It's either I get all or nothing, which is so incredibly crazy. Right now it seems to be that I'm getting a lot of boy attention. At least boy attention from people that I used to have a pretty good connection to.

So you remember P3 from before? Well, he's back in my life again. We were texting again last night and he wants to hang out and cuddle on Sunday when I go home this weekend. I initially said yes, but it gets more complicated from there. I thought that there was absolutely no way that he could have a crush on me because he just doesn't seem like he wants to date me, but last night he told me he did. I didn't know how to react. I told him that I couldn't date him, that I couldn't do long distance again, but that really hurt him and I feel bad for doing it. He then suggested that we become exclusive friends with benefits. I had to veto this one too because I do want to date other guys and I want to cuddle with B3, and I want to dance with people at dances. I can't be exclusive to someone who I know I will never have a relationship with, especially if I can hardly get this guy to talk to me about his daily life. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't date him, and I don't want to encourage the idea of friends with benefits.

I told him this last night and started to mention that I'm not sure that Sunday is a good idea anymore, but he kept saying that he really wanted to do it, so for now I'm saying yes to it. I'm still conflicted about it though because I know that if B3 found out about it he would basically freak. It's a pretty slutty thing to do, especially if I like another guy. B3 has asked me to do something similar that I'm conflicted on as well because I still like him, but at least B3 has some limits on what he would be willing to do. P3 would do pretty much anything with me. He honestly really wants to have sex with me, but I just can't give that to him. I think my first time should be special with a person I care about more than anything in the world. I love P3 and all, but he just isn't on that level in my mind. I wouldn't even have sex with B3 after dating him for 4 months. I just can't do it.

I don't know what to tell B3 or P3 anymore. I want a relationship with B3, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. I don't want a relationship with P3, but he wants one with me. This is so complicated and I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do about this Sunday.

So the weeks go on.

Recently life has been pretty good for myself. Everyone else has gotten sick, but I remain healthy for the time being, which is very nice. I did use a sick excuse to get out of creative writing on Monday though, but I liked the rest I received during that time.

I think it's been a while since I wrote, so I guess I start off with the events of the weekend. Friday night was pretty relaxing and a lot of fun. A couple of friends just decided to play cards and then watch the jungle book. While playing cards I started winning by a lot and that made me very very hyper. On top of being hyper I was also tired, which makes for a very strange combination and a very strange me. I started rocking back and forth while humming a song, which I thought was perfectly normal at the time, but apparently creeped some people out. One of my friends Purple finally asked me to stop the insane rocking, and that was when I finally realized how creepy I was being. After that it just got worse though because then I started laughing about me being creepy, and my laugh was even more creepy. I couldn't stop laughing either, and I just kept rocking the whole time. I'm sure I literally looked like an insane person that needed to be put in an asylum. I did this for an hour before finally calming down. By the end of it my stomach didn't feel too well, but I was still pretty happy.

Right before the movie started that night I decided to get on my computer and check my friends blog. I found out that some serious shit had gone down, and a friendship that I thought wouldn't end, happened to be completely ripped apart with both girls hurting insubstantially. I wish I could fix their friendship and mend all of their problems, but the fact is, is that this distance is much too large for me to even attempt to fix. All I can do is try to stay out of it and be a friend to both of them right now. I know that they will both need my support in the coming times. It's hard though because I'm not home to take care of them. We'll see how that ends up.

During the movie I fell asleep, and so when it was over I decided to go to bed. The next morning I woke up at noon and walked over to DG with Kitten so that we could have brunch. Kitten wasn't feeling well, so she special ordered mac and cheese while I asked for a surprise me dish. I got my food first and it turned out to be a bowl of fruit, sausages, and hash browns. It tasted amazingly, but I got incredibly jealous when Kitten's food finally came out. It was home made mac and cheese with tiny shells as the noodles. It look FANTASTIC. I think next saturday I'm definitely going to have to order that. After eating, Kitten and I returned to Shepard and I cleaned up my room to prepare for two girls to stay in it.

These two girls were friends of Draco's and they ended up being a lot of fun. I had met one of them before, but the two of them fit perfectly with me and my room mate, it was great. I'm very glad that they came to visit and throughout the duration of their visit I had a lot of fun. After I went to dinner with them, it was time to head to DG for a bid day for newer new members like Kitten. Kitten and I walked there together and we ended up just watching a movie together. Did you know that the girls from bride wars were Delta Gamma's? We didn't until it was mentioned during the movie, which was pretty awesome. Legally Blonde was also a DG sorority. After that movie we decided to hang out for a little while longer and watch How To Train Your Dragon. I first went back to Shepard and grabbed the blanket Bubbles made for me and my Teddy. That movie was absolutely adorable and I love it to death. I also loved watching it while cuddled up in my favorite items.

After the movie, Kitten and I went back to Shepard where a nerf war was just starting. I had so much fun during the nerf war, and my team only lost one round. I ended up with my knees completely bruised and rug burns on my feet by the end of the night though. It was sooo much fun and I can't wait until we have another neft war soon.

Then Draco, Draco's friends, my roommate, and I went back to my room to read tarot cards. I'm new to this, but I think I did some pretty good readings that night. All of my readings were eerily accurate. One thing that bugs me though is that two girls afterwards took my deck and did a special reading for themselves. I don't like that they did that because tarot decks are supposed to be used by one person, and they aren't supposed to even attempt the harder reading until they get used to doing the easier readings. My friends didn't even ask if they could do a reading for themselves, they just took the cards and did the hardest reading in the book. It's really annoying, but I'm not going to tell them that it bothers me.

After that we all went to bed, and the next morning I woke up at noon again for brunch at DG. After brunch there was a new member "retreat," which was really just a meeting extended into 3 hours long. During the meeting though we did get to pick our preferences for bigs. I'm excited to get my big sister this week. I think they're supposed to surprise us with stuff in the next week, but I don't know when that's supposed to start. I'm so incredibly excited.

After the DG stuff I ended up doing all my homework that was due monday and tuesday except for math. I figured if I did that then I could concentrate on only math on monday and get it all done and ready for my test on Tuesday. I was wrong. That math was super hard and I just couldn't understand it. I had so many issues with it that I wasn't even able to do the assignment by it's due date. I begged for an extension and it was granted, but I still feel bad for not having been able to do it by the time it was due. I also think I got about a C on the test, and that's after staying up until 3am trying to learn the material.

The bright side of the last couple of days though has been the fact that B3 has started texting me again. We texted all last night and pretty much all of today. It's been some really good conversations. I think that our friendship has finally mended. I asked him yesterday whether he likes talking to me and whether he considers me to be a good friend and he said yes. I am so incredibly happy that it's finally worked out.

He also started talking about what's going to happen when I come visit. In the past he's talked about how he's going to try and buy me alcohol for me to try it out. Then on another occasion he's talked about how he's going to make me a sandwich of some sort that is supposed to be really good. He was shocked when I told him I hadn't even heard of it before. And today we've decided a third thing we're going to do when I visit. He wants to snuggle with me.

I'm extremely hesitant on the last one because I know that more emotions can be formed when cuddling, and at the current time I'm still trying to get over him. He talked me into it though, so I suppose I'll watch a movie with him one night and snuggle with him a little bit.

I'm mostly excited for spring break though because I'm going to be going to WSU with Bubbles. I miss her soooo much and I get to spend basically 5 entire days with just her. It's going to be so much fun!!!! I honestly wish that it were happening right now. I want to give Bubbles some cuddle love and lots of hugs. She has been pretty upset recently and I really wish I could be there to mommy her. I miss her so much.

Anyway, Shepard is headed to dinner so I have to go. I will write again some other time.

General Blarg

So I'm writing this post to see if maybe I'll be in the writing mood afterwards and actually able to do my essay that's due tomorrow at 11 am. I'm actually pretty pleased with how my essay is progressing thus far, I just have no motivation to continue with it. I also thinks it incredible that I got to quote my math book in my essay for children's classics. I love this class.

Anyway, I figured I'll tell you about what happened yesterday. I honestly don't remember much of the actual day time activities except that I skipped math in order to work on my essay that was supposed to be due by 2:30 yesterday, but instead I didn't get it finished and my teacher gave me an extension to tomorrow at 11. During class I just wrote my essay and got only one paragraph done in an hour.

All I remember after that is hanging out with Kitten and a couple of other people and just procrastinating on doing homework. Oh, I watched Glee as well yesterday with the group.

The one thing I really do remember though is that around 11:00 Wits asked for help on an essay he was writing on the French Revolution, and so I got to go and hang out with him and his girlfriend in the library. I had never met his girlfriend before so I was a little anxious, but I went anyway. She was really nice and a lot of fun. She helped me pick on Wits and so we got pretty distracted. I basically only got the bare minimum of my homework done while I was there and Wits was only able to write two paragraphs in 3 hours. This was really bad because today I had a French test (that I think I did badly on...) Eventually though I made the mistake of mentioning Kitten to him and the fact that she is going to be joining DG as well if she can. This launched ranting time.

I really enjoy it when Wits rants about people because his sarcasm is so incredibly funny, but it sucks that he is still incredibly frustrated by her. He ranted about her for a couple hours and eventually he had to say goodbye to his girlfriend because she needed to go back and go to sleep. After that Wits and I decided to migrate back to Shepard because we didn't want to be overheard ranting about Kitten. When we got back Wits continued to rant for a while longer and talked about how he just wanted her to stop being so hypocritical. After a while the rant finally died down and we started watching Rockcappella videos and started just talking normally.

In that moment I decided it was time I told him exactly why I'd been frustrated with him for so long. I showed him a conversation I'd had with Draco last week where I basically said that I didn't think that Wits had ever really been my friend or cared about me because of how easy it was for him to brush me aside this semester. When Wits saw that he immediately tried to rectify the situation and he told me that he isn't trying to ignore me, he just thought that no matter what I would be his friend that he thought there were many other friendships he thought he needed to fix. He had no clue how much I was being hurt by him and he told me that he has always cared about me. That he still thinks about me, it's just that he's been incredibly busy and that he associated me with Kitten and so wouldn't really talk to me because of her.

I really hate how many people dislike/ed me because of hanging out with Kitten. She's a great person and all, but she's really starting to screw my chances with friends. Not many people want to put up with her poutiness and superiorness that she puts up all the time. I can deal with it because I've had friends like that before and I know how to ignore it to some extent, but people literally don't talk to me because I hang out with her.

Anyway, back to where I was before. Wits and I talked for a really long time and we ended up rectifying our friendship and now we're on pretty good terms. I've actually hung out with him a lot in the last day and we're going to try and plan one time a week when I'll either play games with him or study. I like this plan, but we're having an issue figuring out where we're going to hang out. I don't want it to be in Shepard because of Kitten, but apparently people in Baxter (where his gf lives and where he hangs out all the time) dislike me because of him ranting to them. Apparently I'm known as "crazy" there, which bothers me. So I think for now we're going to hang out in the library once a week.

Wits also told me about my nickname in Baxter last night right before I was going to go to bed around 5am and because of the stuff that's been happening this week with my other friends I took it harder than I normally would. I don't like when people start hating me when they haven't even met me. It literally drives me insane and makes me think that I really need to change myself in some way. I can't fix myself though when I don't even know what I did wrong. One of the girls in Baxter was in my colloquium class (the mandatory freshman class) and I've known for a while that they don't like me for some reason, but last night it was confirmed, Wits doesn't know why though. I'm just frustrated with all of these things happening this week. I try and think of myself as a good person, but when so many people outside of my group of friends thinks I'm annoying, idiotic, bitch I don't know how to act.

Wits noticed that he had upset me by telling me about my nickname though, so he wouldn't let me go to bed until he was satisfied that I wasn't upset anymore. So I was up another hour later than I had originally said I would be. I ended up going to bed around 6am and got 3.5 hours of sleep last night.

I think soon I might go to Bishop (the health center on campus) and get some sleeping pills for the nights that I can't sleep because of my mind being too busy. I just have so much on my mind recently that it is really affecting my sleep schedule. Staying up until 6am last night, and then going to bed at 6pm and re-waking up at 10pm doesn't help it any either. I really need to get back on track to become healthy, but I don't want to become dependent on medications in order to sleep. Three people have told me to go though, so I think I might anyway. I have an infection I need to be taken care of anyway.

I guess it's time to actually start on my essay though. *Sigh* Talk at you all later. Toodles.

Stressed but not Stressed

I should be worried shit right now by the amount of homework I have, but instead my mind is in the mode of "I just don't care about anything school related." I have an essay to write that was technically due today, but I got an extension on it until Thursday morning at 11. I have a french test tomorrow that I am completely not ready for. I have to edit other people's poems for creative writing tomorrow, plus a reading assignment of some sort that I don't remember. And then I have to read 2/3rds of the Princess and the Goblin by Thursday afternoon. I don't even own the book yet in order to read it. I think I'm going to find it online though instead of actually buying it.

When I look at that it really doesn't seem like much, but that stuff is definitely going to take a lot of time. I also have DG stuff to do this week that I don't know the times exactly and some people want to watch movies for me.

Also, my friend Kitten I think is going to join DG. I don't really want her to even though I love her very much. I kind of want to get away from her a little bit, but she feels like I'm one of the only people that wants her around recently and so she wants to follow me to DG. I thought she wasn't going to be able to do it because of money concerns, but apparently she thinks it's actually a feasible option. I don't want to tell her no because DG is a really great place and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I honestly don't want her to join. DG was my escape from Shepard and the drama here, and she IS my drama here so if she follows me there will be no escape.

Wow... a really short post. For once.

Catching Up

So I have a lot to say in the next couple of posts. The first thing I'll say though, is that I really shouldn't be writing this at all right now because I really need to write an essay for class. I can't concentrate on that essay though, so I've decided to maybe try and open up my writing mind by writing in my blog.

Saturday night was definitely a night of first for me, but it was also disappointing. The day started out really well though. I went to brunch and got a strawberry waffle with whipped cream that was absolutely delicious, and then I went to the mandatory meeting for new greek members at my school with all of my other new members. The meeting was pretty boring at first, but when we were told to actually plan a greek event on campus it got a little bit more interesting.

All of us new members from every greek chapter on campus were divided up into 4 different groups. I think we had about two to three people from each chapter in each group. My group was group 1 and we went all the way up to the third floor of the building. Once we were in our room we broke into three smaller groups to brainstorm ideas. My group came up with the idea of planning a BBQ with a movie afterwards and a firework show. I doubt the fireworks would work, but the BBQ and movie I could see happening. We also thought to combine this idea with another groups idea of a field day. We would set up different greek oriented field games, like an obstacle course that had some of the greek signs on it. I like this idea, but I don't know how many students outside of our greek system will actually show up for it.

As a large group we also discussed an idea for a greek only event. They thought it would be really awesome to play "Assassin's" using every chapter. This game can apparently go on for days and how it works is that every single person is given one target and they have to try and kill this target using some sort of method. When the kill their target, then the take on their old targets new target until there are only two people left. Then these last two people try and kill each other and it starts to become a big group thing where entire houses can end up trying to help the last two people. This idea can happen from one year to the next where the winning person gets a trophy to keep in their house. I suggested that the way people are killed is by shouting out their middle name or something, but a lot of people didn't really like this idea. One of the directors though really liked it so I think they might try and come up with something similar to it.

After the new member meeting was over me and a couple of my friends decided to decorate white t-shirts for the black light dance that night. At first I was really unsure as to what I wanted to do, but eventually I figured it out. I cut the sides up and then tied them back together again, and then I braided neon pink and greek yarn together and wove it down the sides. I also cut the sleeves shorter because it was a guys shirt and the sleeves felt weird on it and wove my braided yarn around the edges of that. Afterwards I then pulled my braided yarn around the collar of my shirt as well. To top it off I drew swirly pictures on it in highlighter. It ended up being pretty cool if I do say so myself, even though it took me 3 hours to complete. After that I ran to dinner and ate really fast and then came back to Shepard to shower and get ready for the dance.

After I showered and got dressed I went over to DG and got ready with my friends there. One of my friends Party-Gurl did my make up for me and then we waited around to hear from a guy in Sigma Chi about going over to pre game the dance. I had a minor headache at the time and so I drank two glasses of water while we were waiting. At one point we got impatient though and decided to just head over to Kaneko (a large dorm on campus) and have a couple shots of Rum.

When we got to my friends dorm room to find the alcohol they got out the shot glasses and filled them up with the remaining rum in the bottle. At first I was afraid to take the shot and missed it when my friends did it, and so they teased me about it quite a bit. They cajoled me into actually taking the shot later on though when they decided to take a shot with literally what was left in the bottle which meant that I only had to take half a shot. I didn't make a face or cough when I took the shot though so they were pretty proud of me.

After that we finally heard from the guy in Sigma Chi and so we headed over there to drink some more. In his room he had a big bottle of vodka set up with salt and limes ready to be used. Party-Gurl and my other friend Montag Girl took a couple more shots of vodka and then had me take two half shots. At one point I didn't tip my head back far enough and so the guy laughed at me a little bit. That was all the alcohol I drank that night, and honestly, it didn't even get me slightly buzzed. It might have for half an hour, but even then I didn't really feel any different from normal. By the time the dance started though Party-Gurl and Montag Girl were completely trashed. They could hardly walk normally let alone dance.

The boy from Sigma Chi took care of Party-Gurl for a while until two girls took over and took her back to their dorm. I was left to watch out for Montag Girl though. She wanted me to dance and have fun so she kept trying to push me into other guys around me and I thought that was pretty awkward, but it was fun to watch her. She also liked to tackle people and tell them exactly how much she loved them. At one point though she kept getting completely overwhelmed by the heat and had to sit down. One of the girls from my sorority came over and ended up taking her home. I was then left to fend for myself in the group of people there. I quickly sought out a couple of the girls I knew there and one girl Dancer actually helped teach me how to grind dance. She ended up asking a guy if he would "dance with my friend" and he said "ok sure". I honestly have to say that that was one of the most awkward dances ever. He was too tall so his dick wasn't even close to the right spot and I just didn't know what to do, so after half a song I just ended telling him "sorry, but I have to find my friend." He understood and then for the rest of the night I just walked around and danced with Dancer.

After the dance I hung out with Dancer and another new member at DG for a bit, but then they decided it was time to go home. I walked Dancer to her work so that she could pick up the stuff she had left there and then went back to my dorm.

When I got back to Shepard everyone was still awake and so I sat down to talk to them for a little bit. Then I went to change and whip off my makeup. Kitten though that I wasn't going to come back out after I left to go change into PJ's but I surprised her by actually returning. When I got back though we started talking about the Tarot readings that one of my other friends was doing for people. I asked her for a reading of my own and she said ok.

My question for the reading was this "Am I doing the right thing to get a guy?" and throughout the duration of the reading basically the cards said that yes I am and that the only thing holding me back is my own self confidence. I don't honestly trust the cards completely, but I still like to be told that by some people. I hope I do get a guy soon, especially since this weekend is Valentines day. It's going to suck going around without any boyfriend and watching all the other happy couples walk by.

I ended up sleeping in late on Sunday and then I did homework all day with Dancer. I had a new members meeting to go to that night, but after that I stuck around DG and did more homework for other classes. I ended up getting back to Shepard at around midnight and went strait to bed. I couldn't sleep though last night and so I ended up falling asleep around 4 am. I was supposed to get up and go to a work out at 8am this morning but I was so exhausted I just texted Javelin and told him I couldn't do it. I also ended up procrastinating on my homework and barely got it done in time for all of my classes today. I still have an essay to write, but I just can't seem to start it.

There has been something on my mind ever since I had a conversation with someone yesterday. I feel like I've sort of been betrayed by a close friend, but at the same time I understand why they did it. Someone now hates me because of something I said to a friend about them. None of the good stuff I said about him made it to him, just the bad, and now he thinks I'm a complete and total bitch. I don't like anyone hating me if I don't deserve it. What's worse is that he thinks that what he was told was a direct quote from me, but it was actually the person paraphrasing me. I honestly think that this guy can be a good guy, I just think that he is a little bit judgmental. When I was around him he made me feel very insecure, and I've heard people talk about him since then and they've told me bad stories.

Soon my friend might date this guy though and I'm seriously worried about this. Two of my friends have stopped being my friends for a time, simply because of their boyfriends and I don't want this to happen with this girl. I value her as one of my absolute closest friends, but I'm seriously worried. I try to be supportive of all of my friends unless I truly believe to the core of my being that the guy they're dating is cruel and abusive. I want to give this guy a chance, but now I don't see how it's possible because he won't give me a chance.

I also got accused of not being able to get over grudges because there is one guy that I hate more than any person in the world. This guy is B3's roommate and he thinks its funny to make me cry. So he's done it time and time again. I accepted a friend request from him last week to see if maybe he'd change and maybe I could give him a chance again, but no he ended up being an ass to me again. Even though he could have just talked to me on his own account, he got on B3's computer and talked to me there. I could tell that he was making fun of me, but at the time I thought it was B3, and B3 knows I have body issues. He thought what was being said was harmless, but it ended up hurting me a lot more than expected. When I told him this last night he tried to cheer me up, but it just wasn't working. I will admit though that he did get me to smile a couple of times.

Last night just wasn't a good night. I want to talk to my friend that might date this guy, but I honestly don't want to cause more drama by doing so. Well, I guess I'll just see what happens.

This was literally all I could write about during Creative Writing today, it's consumed my mind and I need to get it out somehow.

Striking thoughts

In the last couple of days, especially today, I've had moments where I'll think something that'll lead to another idea.

What struck me just now is my thoughts on friends. I've had so many friends over the years, some closer than others, but there are only a few who I can say have been in my life for more than half of it. Actually, all I can think of are two people. Friends come and go, and shift around. Some friends that I was never close to before are now the people I confide in the most. Some friends who I used to confide in all the time are now more distant. It's really strange how friends can be. I love every single one of my friends and I would hate it for anything to happen to them. I also wish that I could be closer to the ones that I've left behind.

I think of myself as an open person, but I honestly don't know if that's the truth. Sure I'll answer any question you give me, but do I always answer with the truth? I say white lies all the time in order to spare people's feelings, and even though that may be for kindness's sake, it's still a lie. I want to change this, but the other night when I finally decided to tell the complete truth to someone even though I knew it would upset them, it caused our friendship to hit another rough patch.

I've  got a long list of things that I hate about myself that I want to change somehow:

1) My weight
2) The amount of lieing I do.
3) My dependance on telling everyone everything about my life.
4) How messy I am all the time. I like clean area's, I'm just too lazy to keep clean normally.
5) How much I care about what other people think of me.
6) My limitations on things that I can do. (This one is actually already in the process of changing)

Those are just the things I'm thinking about right now, but I know that there are thousands more. Right now I especially hate the third one. It's caused me so much pain because I know that it's wrong, but I keep doing it anyway. I can't stop and I really really need to. Not everyone wants or needs to know about my life, and there are some things in my life that I know about that are not my right to tell. I've harmed other people by telling some of my harder stories, and in the process it's harmed my friendships to them.

The good thing is, is that I think I'm working on number 1 and number 6 a lot this week. If you ask B3 about me, he'd probably tell you that I like to crawl into a shell and never emerge from it. We used to have a lot of arguments because there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I was afraid of doing it. The number one thing was working out with him. I didn't want to work out with him because I felt like I'd be embarrassing myself in front of him with how out of shape I am. We argued about this so much because he wanted to work out with me so bad, and I just couldn't do it. This last week changed though. I actually went to the gym with a guy twice. It wasn't that bad either because he went and lifted weights and I ran on the elliptical. I didn't feel like I was being judged at all. I only wish I could have found that confidence when I was still dating B3, it might have saved us a lot of arguments.

Another argument I would have with B3 was about dancing at a party and getting drunk. I was terrified to do these things, but he would try so hard to talk me out of my fear. We almost went to a frat party when I was there last time, but the decided to change at the last minute when they found out that they had to pay $5 to get in and they didn't have the money. I also wouldn't go the free dance that they had at his school on my first visit because I was scared to dance with him. I've never danced with a guy ever. There was one moment when I sort of slow danced with a guy, but it was awkward and we were about 2 feet apart so I don't really think that that counts. Tomorrow that's going to change though. I'm going to go to a frat party and I'm determined to get drunk and dance with at least one guy. I want to have fun, and I want to break myself of this fear. I think I'll be safe because of how many DG girls I'm going with, and I'm pretty sure that they'll take care of me.

The last thing I did that I thought I would never do recently was actually join DG. I never thought that I would be a sorority girl, but here I am now and I'm loving it. It was definitely one of the best decisions I've made.

There is a problem with all of the things I've changed about myself recently. I feel like I'm secretly trying to please B3, because they're all things that we either used to fight about or things that he would push me to try recently. I don't want to do stuff because he tells me to, but I really feel like that's what I'm doing. I think secretly I hope that he'll like me better if I do what he wants me to do, but at the same time I really don't want him back. I know that I could never date him again, and I know that I never would, but I can't stop myself from trying to make him love me still. We have been apart now longer than we were together, and I'm still in love with him. I need this to stop so badly that it's causing me to do stupid things.

I keep thinking about tomorrow night and hoping that I'll find some guy to fool around with, but at the same time I don't want that to happen at all. I'm not that kind of girl that goes for the one night stand, especially when I haven't even done oral yet. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret tomorrow night, but there are so many things that I desperately want to do.

I also have started texting a guy that I told myself I would never text again. I like the kind of satisfaction I get when I find out that pictures of me can make a guy horny. It's bad and dirty, but it makes me feel so self confident and proud that I have felt the need to do it recently. I hate that I have that compulsion, but it is such an empowering feeling that I just can't stop. It drives me nuts though when I don't get a reaction and so sometimes (like tonight) it can be just painstaking.

Going back to the friends topic from earlier I just want to say that I've discovered that I can be a little bit too clingy with some friends. Some friends want their space, but when they try to take it without telling me, I freak out a little bit and start getting upset. I did this to Wits a couple days ago, and I don't know if I've permanently caused a problem in our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I honestly think that the harder I try to keep him as a friend the less likely our friendship will last.

So there, I have two more things to add to my list:

1) Compulsion to do something dirty
2) Clinginess to friends

Maybe I can change these things in time, but for right now I'll continue working on one thing at a time. I just seriously hope that I'm not doing all these things to try and get approval from B3.

Side Note

I realized something today while reading friends blogs too. I may write super long blogs when I write them, but I think that they equal the length of my friends blogs when I combine how much I write in the same amount of time that they write them. I think it is quite fitting, and I don't feel too awkward about it anymore.

A Happy Day

The last couple of days have been really awesome. I splurged a little bit, but I had amazing fun.

Yesterday I woke up easily at 10am and just laid there for a while. After a bit I turned on my computer and got onto Facebook. B3 happened to be on at that time and so we started talking. We had a really good conversation (up until the very end, but that wasn't his fault, his roommate took over) and I was fairly happy after it. I then left to go eat brunch with the Shepardites. Brunch was spectacular that day and it just made the day get even better. Around 3pm my girlfriends and I decided to go shopping.  We found a cute store that had fantastic prices on dresses. I came away with two very formal dresses with a total price of $33. We then went to Orange Julia's and bought a couple of smoothies that tasted so good after spending so much time in the one store. All the other girls were tired by this point though so they decided to go back. I decided that I really did need to search for what I had come for, so I went on my own to Kohl's. I bought a black cardigan and some black flip flops. I also really wanted some boots and I had been told that JCPenny's tends to have good sales so I decided to go over there. I ended up finding some really cute boots for $30 there so I bought them. By this time though it was dark outside and I didn't exactly know the way back to campus. So, I called my friend up and she had someone else direct me back to campus. I made him stay on the phone though for a while because I was very afraid of being mugged out on the streets. When I got back everyone was getting ready to order pizza and watch a movie so I just joined in.

That night was a lot of fun as well because when everyone else decided to go on a walk, Kitten and I stayed behind. We first went to Montag (a food store on campus) and buy some chocolate. On our way over there though we realized we had forgotten one vital thing about Saturday night this week. That night was signing night at the fraternities and so they were particularly rowdy. When we walked into Montag, SAE decided to shout "I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE 'TILL I DIE!" and then something else that rhymed with Sigma Chi. They were shouting it towards the Sigma Chi building, but it seemed like they were shouting it at Kitten and me so it was really funny.

When we came back from Montag, Kitten and a couple other Shepardites that had decided not to go on the walk decided to watch a movie and I joined in. We watched a movie called "The Fall" that I thought was amazingly good and I definitely want to see it again. After that we watched "The Black Cauldron" and it was pretty cute. When that movie was over I decided to go to bed.

Today I woke up at 11:30 and go ready to go to brunch at the DG house. When I got there a couple girls showed me how to order the food and I got delicious chocolate chip pancakes. After brunch I hung out with a bunch of the girls for a while until everyone was ready to go shopping (something we had pre-planned as a bonding time). I started to feel more comfortable in the house and I'm quite happy with it now. It was about 1:30 by the time that we left and we ended up going over to the mall again to see the store with the cute dresses. I needed to exchange one of the dresses I had bought for a smaller size and the other girls wanted to check out the sales. One of my new sisters bought a dress and a jacket, but no one else bought anything. After that two of the girls decided to go back and that left just the two of us to shop together.

I had so much fun with those two girls shopping. We first went to JCPenny's to check out boots and make-up from Sephora. Then we decided to go back to DG and see if we could borrow someone's car so we could go to Target, but no one would loan us a car so we got a cab instead. When we go to target we looked all over to see if we could find some footie-pajamas, but we had no luck. Instead we bought make up and beauty accessories.  Then we walked across the street to another mall and bought Orange Julia's because we were hungry and thirsty by that time. Afterwards we decided to go into Burlington Coat Factory where we found amazing sales on lingerie. I totally would have bought some if I had a boy to wear them for, but I restrained myself from buying the $10 corset. My new sisters on the other hand couldn't stand it and ended up buying two corsets each. After that we walked into Sears to see if they would have footie-pajamas, but once again we had no luck. On the bright side though we found an amazing sale on underwear, and they told me that I needed to buy a comfortable thong to try it out. So I bought a thong for $3 today. We were really tired after that store and the mall was closing so we called the cab and had it bring us back to campus.

When we got back to campus Red Head (one of my new sisters that I went shopping with) decided to go to Goudy with me to eat dinner. Dinner was a little bit awkward, but it was still good. When I went back to Shepard after eating I hung out a little bit with Kitten, and then I had to head back to DG for a new members meeting. The new members meeting started out boring, but got really interesting when they started talking about serenades. I'm extremely excited for them, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I don't exactly want to do a dance in front of the entire drunken student body of this school, but I think it'll be an amazingly fun experience so I'm going to do it anyway.

The meeting got out around 9:30 and I headed back to Shepard to start on my homework. My homework was super long and grueling, and I really didn't like it very much because people would make fun of me for my lack of knowledge in French. That really bothers me, but they don't know it and I probably won't tell them. The creative writing homework I had after that was a little more fun though. I wrote a new poem that goes like this:

Unseen

Smile, frown, puckered lips,
Twitch, wink, double blink,
wiggle, scrunch, pig-like sniff,
wrinkled, smooth, dimpled chin.

Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.

Scratch, pinch, soothing touch,
CRACK, bend, crunchy pop,
Twist, turn, gentle stretch
Grab, squeeze, choking clutch

Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.

Stand, sit, aching joints,
Jiggle, stretch, beastly bounce,
Flex, rest, tired limbs,
love, hate, needed life.

I also fixed up my Teddy poem so that it sounds like this:

Teddy
 
He has two ears balanced upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white specks,
One soft large nose perched above his mouth,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the muzzle.

As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His pudge extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming fluff.

Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Revealing his love for me.

He was built for me by my beloved,
Each of his attributes assembled for me explicitly,
I will take him with me past the moons of Jupiter,
And into the world beyond.

At one point while writing these poems I decided to take a break and check JobCat to see if there were any job postings near by. There actually was, so I decided to fix up my resume and write a cover letter and apply. I really hope I get the job, I could use the income.

Now I'm headed to bed, much later than I had anticipated (3 am). Tomorrow I have to get up an hour earlier than I normally would because I'm "dressing to the badge" which means I'm dressing super formal to classes and wearing my DG pin. I think it'll be fun but awkward. We'll see how it goes.

The Drama Saga Continues

Sometimes I feel that this blog is more of a way to rant about my various drama rather than an actual diary. It helps though.

So, as the title implies, I have more drama in my life. Kitten has become more intolerable and Wits (formally known as P1) has become more annoying. It's strange, but right now I feel as if my closest friend was someone who I never thought I'd be able to be friends again with. When I told Draco (formerly known as P2) that this was the case right now he was shocked. He told me I needed to talk to Wits, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel that if Wits really wants to be my friend and care about what happens in my life that he would ask about it, but he doesn't. I don't think I'm ever going to volunteer information to him anymore because I just get the feeling that it annoys him. Draco was describing to my roommate Nerdy, that in the last two months he's watched a spectacular friendship go up in smoke and it really bothers him. Kitten, Wits, and I used to be so close but now we can hardly have a conversation (even between just two of us) without something bad happening. I've tried to escape this by joining a sorority, but that only seems to have made Kitten's drama worse.

Another thing that bothers me is actually hanging out at the sorority. It feels like I'm invading a lot of the time, so I don't go there very much. I want to be able to hang out and have fun there, but I just feel like an outsider right now, and I hardly know anyone's names. When I told B3 about my insecurities on this matter he told me that he felt the same way when he first joined. He fixed that problem by hanging out there as much as possible, and just learning to balance his away friends with his frat brothers. I think I'm going to try that,  and I already made a step towards doing so by asking the new members (like me) to hang out on Sunday. I think we've decided that we're going to go shopping after we eat brunch with all of our other sisters. B3 also helped me get over my conflicts with Kitten and DG. He told me that if she doesn't respect my choice to go there then I should just ignore her. I can hang out with her on occasion, but I shouldn't listen to her otherwise. I feel guilty doing this, but so many people have told me to do it that I really do think its the right thing to do.

I love each and every one of my friends, but I need to find a place where I belong once again and right now I don't have it.

Another additional issues with today is the fact that Kitten found out that Wits is in a new relationship and that I knew it was going to happen for the last two weeks and I didn't tell her. She's also upset that I snapped at her last night (because she woke me up when I was dead tired), and today she didn't even wait to go to class with me. When I got to class she sat on the other side of Javelin and made sure I couldn't sit next to her. At lunch is when she found out about Wits and his new girl friend, and after that is when issues happened.

After lunch I ranted a little bit to Draco and Nerdy, and that's when Draco told me I needed to talk to Wits. After Wits and Draco came back from spanish, Wits decided to ask me to play pool and to show me what Kitten had said to him in a message earlier. The pool game was just awkward because I'm upset with him and I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want to bother him, and I don't want the only thing we ever talk about be Kitten. I want to talk about stuff between the two of us, or even play a fun game together, but we never do that anymore and he shows no interest in it.

I have a couple of other new friends that are fun to hang out with, but I'm still upset at the explosion that's occurred from Kitten and Wits failed relationship.

What I don't get is that Wits knew I was upset, and he didn't even ask me why. All he asked was whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about with him, which I don't consider to be asking about me but asking about whether I have a problem with him. I already told him why I'm upset with him, and for a day it changed, but after that he went back to being disinterested.

Oh well, I guess I'll just stick it out for the rest of this weekend and then after that spend as much time as possible at DG and not around people here.

Thoughts

My mind is all jumbled up tonight. Why is it that during the day I can be so happy, but the instant I settle down for bed my mind goes crazy with every small thing that bothers me? I love the way life is going right now, and to all of my friends I say I'm happy, but every single night proves me to be wrong. My mind is so fixated on the things that I can't solve that it's ruining the fun I've been having.

Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.

I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.

I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.

I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.

I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.

I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.

I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.

This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.

My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.

My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.

I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)

I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.

The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.

I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.

Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.

I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.

The Happy Times Continue

Sometimes it takes a great couple of days, or some lousy things to happen to you for you to really realize just how much the people in your life care for you. I am so incredibly thankful to all of my friends and my family. I'm happy with almost everything that's going on in my life and it is a very nice change from what it was for the last 8 months before that.

The drama is finally at a minimum and I am very thankful for that. My friend Kitten seems to have accepted that I'm leaving, but just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'll never hang out with her anymore. P1 (who I don't have a crush on so we'll call him Wits) and I have been having good conversations recently and it seems to understand why I got upset before and wants to change that. He actually has found a new girl to dote on and so he's happy once again and his life is getting stable once again. Javelin never again brought up our argument and for that I'm thankful, and last night we had a really heart felt conversation where we ended up helping each other out a lot.

My friendship relationship with B3 seems to have had a little bit of a hiccup last night, but I know it'll right itself. He finally trusts me completely again and is treating me like a close friend, which can be somewhat hazardous as he found out last night. He was talking about some girls that he's liked and about ones that he's hit on in the past and it bothered me even though I know it shouldn't. When he asked me why I was suddenly less responsive I decided to tell him the truth and let him know that I was annoyed. After that the conversation just went down hill because he thought I was pissed and I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't. It didn't help that he made a really bad and time inappropriate joke about him walking a girl back to her house. I think I'll talk to him again tonight though and settle the argument we had yesterday.

One thing that I am incredibly happy about as well is the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow! Its for a clerk position at the local law school and it's only 4 hours a week. I think it's perfect because it fits into my schedule nicely, and it isn't too trying. It'll be nice to have a steady income if I can get the job. I don't know that I will get the job yet though because of my prior experience, but I have high hopes.

I am also happy that I am now a new member to Delta Gamma! I had my first ceremony on Monday night, and my first meeting on Sunday night. Tonight I'm going back to the house to have dinner with my Anchor sister and to talk about everything that's happened thus far. I like it a lot and I can't wait to see where it's going to take me. I want to get to know the girls in the sorority better, but right now it seems a little bit awkward. A lot of them know my name, but it feels like to me that I know none of their names even though I've probably been introduced to them all at least two times. I think that with more time spent with them in the house that it'll grow less awkward though and I'll soon learn all of their names.

My classes have also been going really well. I'm actually excited for all of my classes because they are all really fun this semester, and they all seem to be interconnected. Alice in Wonderland (a book I had to read for Children's Classics) has french in it, poetry in it, and logical statements which connect perfectly with french, creative writing, and foundations in mathematics respectively. As I was reading that book I go so excited to find all of the connections that I even brought the book in to show all of my teachers. Creative writing is also a fun class where we're currently working on poetry. My first poem I wrote about the Teddy Bear that B3 gave me, and I actually like it quite a bit. When I brought it in to class today everyone analyzed it and told me stuff I should change about it, and I'd have to agree with them. I think it's going to make for a very cute poem eventually, but the version I have now is:

Teddy

He has two ears perched upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white dots,
One soft large nose as opaque as the eyes,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the nose.

As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His fluff extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming stuffing.

Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Showing his love for me.

My french class is also very interesting because of my animated teacher that likes to be dramatic about everything. I think I'm a bit behind though because of my previous experiences in french, so it's going to take a some effort to get back up to the level of everyone else.

Foundations in Mathematics is going to be my most challenging class this semester. It is incredibly difficult already, and my professor says that this is nothing compared to what it's going to be soon. I'm really worried, but I'm going to try my hardest to succeed in the class. It's really interesting and thought provoking though so it won't be too difficult to get myself to wanting to study for it.

The last class I have is Children's Classics, and I am very excited about that class. The teacher is a bit dull, but the reading we have to do for it is awesome. I love all of the books we have to read, and even though we have to read a lot every night I know I can handle it. I'm only worried about the essays, but I only have to do 4 of them total for the entire semester so I'm ok with that.

So that's everything about my classes, but I have to say there is one thing that's been bothering me recently and that's my lack of sleep. I've been having really restless nights where I dream a lot of bizarre dreams and it's starting to get to me. I've been really tired because I'm on my period right now, and not getting sleep just makes it worse. I also don't like that the dreams I've been having relate so strongly to the small things that I want right now that I know I can't have. Like being able to tell my mom that she bothers me when she isn't in town when I go to school or come home. That it feels like she honestly doesn't love me anymore because I've moved out. Another thing would be that in all of my dreams I have a boyfriend. I get to cuddle with him and do everything else and it just makes me want one more in real life. It also doesn't help that the boy in my dreams sometimes is B3, especially since I'm trying hard to get over him. The third thing I dreamed about was actually about getting more sleep. I got so frustrated in one of my dreams about my inability to sleep that I stole an IV with the stuff in it that makes people pass out (like the stuff they gave me when I had my wisdom teeth pulled) and I put it in my arm to sleep. Sadly right at the moment I got it in my arm a guy barged into the room (the one that would later become my boyfriend) and took it out of my arm and kissed me. My dreams have been very strange, and I just want a good nights sleep.

So that's basically everything that's happened in the last week. I guess I write the next time I get the time to do so. Hopefully it'll be sooner than this one was.

An Incredible Few Days

So I had meant to write every day, but the pace of my day seems to have sped up. I suddenly have a lot more things to do and I rather like it.

In addition to the classes I am taking (which I'm completely stoked for) I have also decided to rush this week. When I went to the informational session on Monday I was a little bit dubious at first, but the more the rho gammas (the leader girls) talked the more I liked the idea of a Sorority. By the end of the session I had decided that I really wanted to pledge to one of them.

After that I decided to start going around and asking which sorority is the best one to join. Right now I have decided that I want to be in Delta Gamma and if that doesn't work out I'll be fine with Pi Beta Phi. Alpha Kai on the other hand I would refuse to go into. It has a really bad reputation at every school as being super slutty. At this school in particular they have a reputation for partying as hard as they can. I don't think that I'd belong in a house like that, but the Delta Gammas are the complete opposite. They are considered to be smart and kind. They also have the nicest house (from what I've seen thus far, the tours don't start until Thursday) but they cost the most money. Overall though I haven't heard anything about Pi Beta Phi, neither good nor bad. I've just heard that they are lesser known and are "ok".

I like the idea of a sisterhood of people that no matter what will be there for you. In the informational session one of the girls talked about how one of her sisters had lost her house in a fire, and the whole alumni had rallied around her to help restore everything she had lost. I want that kind of connection with a group of people, and right now, though I love my friends here, I don't think I have that. I also like that they encourage you to step out of your boundaries and join as many groups as you can. I think that joining a sorority will be good for me.

Last night I went to the sorority "greet and meet" where you go and talk to a bunch of girls from the various houses. The first house I went to was Pi Beta Phi and they were really nice. I only talked to two girls at the time, but at the end of the night I went back and talked to a couple more. After I talked to the two girls from Pi Beta Phi I moved on to the Delta Gamma table. At that table I swear I think I talked to every single girl. I spent at least an hour and a half there talking to the different girls. I met one girl that was extremely happy and energetic. She was a math major and so was excited to hear that I was interested in math as well. Some of the other girls in the group were also very interesting. One girl really liked Dexter and so was pretty passionate about it, and another one seemed like she was the motherly type and liked to make sure that every rush girl that headed over there got to talk to one of the girls. After a while I decided to check out Alpha Pi and decide for myself what I thought of it. At first they seemed pretty interesting, but the moment when they really started getting animated was when they started talking about boys and partying. I think those girls are nice, but I still don't think I belong with them. Each sorority though definitely had a wide variety of people in them.

Tonight I go back to do another meet and greet with other people from the same houses. They say you only have to go to one, but I want to go just to be sure that everyone knows me. I really want to get a bid into Delta Gamma.

In addition to the sorority stuff happening to me in the last couple of days I've had a bit of a surprise from many people. The first of which would be Drama. I talked to her again a couple nights ago and she really does seem like she's changed. She still likes to do some wild stuff, but she seems like she's getting better. I don't think I'll ever be as accepting with her as I was before, but I don't want to just give up being friends with her.

The second big thing that happened would be a drunk conversation with B3 two nights ago. Around 3 am he ended the conversation with this:

B3: ou are not entertaining me enough
B3: i am going to go to bed
B3: just know that i regret breaking up with you like every day
Me: regretting it doesn't take it back...
Me: good night
Me: and I could be entertaining and tell you some stuff, but I don't exactly want to do that because of our previous relationship
Me: at least not yet
B3: ok
B3: bye
B3: i am crying
B3: idk why
Me: I'm sorry
Me: I'm crying too
Me: but I know why
Me: you're probably just crying because you're drunk
Me: good night


What he said in that little segment shocked me. I really didn't know how to handle it so I tried to talk to him the next day (yesterday) at first I told him he was stupid for saying that and he informed me that he was trying to block the conversation out of his mind. I couldn't get what he said out of my mind for the rest of the day though so I decided to talk to him once again and ask him why exactly he regretted breaking up with me. When he said it was mostly because he misses having an intimate relationship with someone that isn't retarded it made it easier for me to cope with what he said. For some reason knowing that he feels that way makes it easier for me to forget about him. I like that he feels the same way I do about having a relationship right now, and even though it was a mistake for him to say it, I think it's going to work out for the best.


The third thing that's happened in the last couple of days would be that P3 actually spoke to me and was nice about it. It was only a brief conversation, but at least he didn't ignore me.


The fourth thing that happened is not as good as everything else. For a while I had thought that P1 was ignoring me. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he got super defensive and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain it the conversation just got worse so I just told him that I was going to leave and do homework.


Later that night I decided to get back online and send him a message explaining everything that had happened. When he responded to the message I discovered that my friend Kitten had tried to be protective of me and talk to him too. That ended up going super badly (like it always does) and now P1 was self destructive again. Right now I have to deal with him, and Kitten, and now another guy, Javelin.


I want that drama to end, but I'm thankful for everything else going right.