Thoughts

My mind is all jumbled up tonight. Why is it that during the day I can be so happy, but the instant I settle down for bed my mind goes crazy with every small thing that bothers me? I love the way life is going right now, and to all of my friends I say I'm happy, but every single night proves me to be wrong. My mind is so fixated on the things that I can't solve that it's ruining the fun I've been having.

Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.

I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.

I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.

I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.

I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.

I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.

I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.

This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.

My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.

My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.

I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)

I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.

The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.

I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.

Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.

I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.