Monday, January 31, 2011
Side Note
I realized something today while reading friends blogs too. I may write super long blogs when I write them, but I think that they equal the length of my friends blogs when I combine how much I write in the same amount of time that they write them. I think it is quite fitting, and I don't feel too awkward about it anymore.
A Happy Day
The last couple of days have been really awesome. I splurged a little bit, but I had amazing fun.
Yesterday I woke up easily at 10am and just laid there for a while. After a bit I turned on my computer and got onto Facebook. B3 happened to be on at that time and so we started talking. We had a really good conversation (up until the very end, but that wasn't his fault, his roommate took over) and I was fairly happy after it. I then left to go eat brunch with the Shepardites. Brunch was spectacular that day and it just made the day get even better. Around 3pm my girlfriends and I decided to go shopping. We found a cute store that had fantastic prices on dresses. I came away with two very formal dresses with a total price of $33. We then went to Orange Julia's and bought a couple of smoothies that tasted so good after spending so much time in the one store. All the other girls were tired by this point though so they decided to go back. I decided that I really did need to search for what I had come for, so I went on my own to Kohl's. I bought a black cardigan and some black flip flops. I also really wanted some boots and I had been told that JCPenny's tends to have good sales so I decided to go over there. I ended up finding some really cute boots for $30 there so I bought them. By this time though it was dark outside and I didn't exactly know the way back to campus. So, I called my friend up and she had someone else direct me back to campus. I made him stay on the phone though for a while because I was very afraid of being mugged out on the streets. When I got back everyone was getting ready to order pizza and watch a movie so I just joined in.
That night was a lot of fun as well because when everyone else decided to go on a walk, Kitten and I stayed behind. We first went to Montag (a food store on campus) and buy some chocolate. On our way over there though we realized we had forgotten one vital thing about Saturday night this week. That night was signing night at the fraternities and so they were particularly rowdy. When we walked into Montag, SAE decided to shout "I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE 'TILL I DIE!" and then something else that rhymed with Sigma Chi. They were shouting it towards the Sigma Chi building, but it seemed like they were shouting it at Kitten and me so it was really funny.
When we came back from Montag, Kitten and a couple other Shepardites that had decided not to go on the walk decided to watch a movie and I joined in. We watched a movie called "The Fall" that I thought was amazingly good and I definitely want to see it again. After that we watched "The Black Cauldron" and it was pretty cute. When that movie was over I decided to go to bed.
Today I woke up at 11:30 and go ready to go to brunch at the DG house. When I got there a couple girls showed me how to order the food and I got delicious chocolate chip pancakes. After brunch I hung out with a bunch of the girls for a while until everyone was ready to go shopping (something we had pre-planned as a bonding time). I started to feel more comfortable in the house and I'm quite happy with it now. It was about 1:30 by the time that we left and we ended up going over to the mall again to see the store with the cute dresses. I needed to exchange one of the dresses I had bought for a smaller size and the other girls wanted to check out the sales. One of my new sisters bought a dress and a jacket, but no one else bought anything. After that two of the girls decided to go back and that left just the two of us to shop together.
I had so much fun with those two girls shopping. We first went to JCPenny's to check out boots and make-up from Sephora. Then we decided to go back to DG and see if we could borrow someone's car so we could go to Target, but no one would loan us a car so we got a cab instead. When we go to target we looked all over to see if we could find some footie-pajamas, but we had no luck. Instead we bought make up and beauty accessories. Then we walked across the street to another mall and bought Orange Julia's because we were hungry and thirsty by that time. Afterwards we decided to go into Burlington Coat Factory where we found amazing sales on lingerie. I totally would have bought some if I had a boy to wear them for, but I restrained myself from buying the $10 corset. My new sisters on the other hand couldn't stand it and ended up buying two corsets each. After that we walked into Sears to see if they would have footie-pajamas, but once again we had no luck. On the bright side though we found an amazing sale on underwear, and they told me that I needed to buy a comfortable thong to try it out. So I bought a thong for $3 today. We were really tired after that store and the mall was closing so we called the cab and had it bring us back to campus.
When we got back to campus Red Head (one of my new sisters that I went shopping with) decided to go to Goudy with me to eat dinner. Dinner was a little bit awkward, but it was still good. When I went back to Shepard after eating I hung out a little bit with Kitten, and then I had to head back to DG for a new members meeting. The new members meeting started out boring, but got really interesting when they started talking about serenades. I'm extremely excited for them, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I don't exactly want to do a dance in front of the entire drunken student body of this school, but I think it'll be an amazingly fun experience so I'm going to do it anyway.
The meeting got out around 9:30 and I headed back to Shepard to start on my homework. My homework was super long and grueling, and I really didn't like it very much because people would make fun of me for my lack of knowledge in French. That really bothers me, but they don't know it and I probably won't tell them. The creative writing homework I had after that was a little more fun though. I wrote a new poem that goes like this:
Yesterday I woke up easily at 10am and just laid there for a while. After a bit I turned on my computer and got onto Facebook. B3 happened to be on at that time and so we started talking. We had a really good conversation (up until the very end, but that wasn't his fault, his roommate took over) and I was fairly happy after it. I then left to go eat brunch with the Shepardites. Brunch was spectacular that day and it just made the day get even better. Around 3pm my girlfriends and I decided to go shopping. We found a cute store that had fantastic prices on dresses. I came away with two very formal dresses with a total price of $33. We then went to Orange Julia's and bought a couple of smoothies that tasted so good after spending so much time in the one store. All the other girls were tired by this point though so they decided to go back. I decided that I really did need to search for what I had come for, so I went on my own to Kohl's. I bought a black cardigan and some black flip flops. I also really wanted some boots and I had been told that JCPenny's tends to have good sales so I decided to go over there. I ended up finding some really cute boots for $30 there so I bought them. By this time though it was dark outside and I didn't exactly know the way back to campus. So, I called my friend up and she had someone else direct me back to campus. I made him stay on the phone though for a while because I was very afraid of being mugged out on the streets. When I got back everyone was getting ready to order pizza and watch a movie so I just joined in.
That night was a lot of fun as well because when everyone else decided to go on a walk, Kitten and I stayed behind. We first went to Montag (a food store on campus) and buy some chocolate. On our way over there though we realized we had forgotten one vital thing about Saturday night this week. That night was signing night at the fraternities and so they were particularly rowdy. When we walked into Montag, SAE decided to shout "I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE 'TILL I DIE!" and then something else that rhymed with Sigma Chi. They were shouting it towards the Sigma Chi building, but it seemed like they were shouting it at Kitten and me so it was really funny.
When we came back from Montag, Kitten and a couple other Shepardites that had decided not to go on the walk decided to watch a movie and I joined in. We watched a movie called "The Fall" that I thought was amazingly good and I definitely want to see it again. After that we watched "The Black Cauldron" and it was pretty cute. When that movie was over I decided to go to bed.
Today I woke up at 11:30 and go ready to go to brunch at the DG house. When I got there a couple girls showed me how to order the food and I got delicious chocolate chip pancakes. After brunch I hung out with a bunch of the girls for a while until everyone was ready to go shopping (something we had pre-planned as a bonding time). I started to feel more comfortable in the house and I'm quite happy with it now. It was about 1:30 by the time that we left and we ended up going over to the mall again to see the store with the cute dresses. I needed to exchange one of the dresses I had bought for a smaller size and the other girls wanted to check out the sales. One of my new sisters bought a dress and a jacket, but no one else bought anything. After that two of the girls decided to go back and that left just the two of us to shop together.
I had so much fun with those two girls shopping. We first went to JCPenny's to check out boots and make-up from Sephora. Then we decided to go back to DG and see if we could borrow someone's car so we could go to Target, but no one would loan us a car so we got a cab instead. When we go to target we looked all over to see if we could find some footie-pajamas, but we had no luck. Instead we bought make up and beauty accessories. Then we walked across the street to another mall and bought Orange Julia's because we were hungry and thirsty by that time. Afterwards we decided to go into Burlington Coat Factory where we found amazing sales on lingerie. I totally would have bought some if I had a boy to wear them for, but I restrained myself from buying the $10 corset. My new sisters on the other hand couldn't stand it and ended up buying two corsets each. After that we walked into Sears to see if they would have footie-pajamas, but once again we had no luck. On the bright side though we found an amazing sale on underwear, and they told me that I needed to buy a comfortable thong to try it out. So I bought a thong for $3 today. We were really tired after that store and the mall was closing so we called the cab and had it bring us back to campus.
When we got back to campus Red Head (one of my new sisters that I went shopping with) decided to go to Goudy with me to eat dinner. Dinner was a little bit awkward, but it was still good. When I went back to Shepard after eating I hung out a little bit with Kitten, and then I had to head back to DG for a new members meeting. The new members meeting started out boring, but got really interesting when they started talking about serenades. I'm extremely excited for them, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I don't exactly want to do a dance in front of the entire drunken student body of this school, but I think it'll be an amazingly fun experience so I'm going to do it anyway.
The meeting got out around 9:30 and I headed back to Shepard to start on my homework. My homework was super long and grueling, and I really didn't like it very much because people would make fun of me for my lack of knowledge in French. That really bothers me, but they don't know it and I probably won't tell them. The creative writing homework I had after that was a little more fun though. I wrote a new poem that goes like this:
Unseen
Smile, frown, puckered lips,
Twitch, wink, double blink,
wiggle, scrunch, pig-like sniff,
wrinkled, smooth, dimpled chin.
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Scratch, pinch, soothing touch,
CRACK, bend, crunchy pop,
Twist, turn, gentle stretch
Grab, squeeze, choking clutch
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Stand, sit, aching joints,
Jiggle, stretch, beastly bounce,
Flex, rest, tired limbs,
love, hate, needed life.
Smile, frown, puckered lips,
Twitch, wink, double blink,
wiggle, scrunch, pig-like sniff,
wrinkled, smooth, dimpled chin.
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Scratch, pinch, soothing touch,
CRACK, bend, crunchy pop,
Twist, turn, gentle stretch
Grab, squeeze, choking clutch
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Stand, sit, aching joints,
Jiggle, stretch, beastly bounce,
Flex, rest, tired limbs,
love, hate, needed life.
I also fixed up my Teddy poem so that it sounds like this:
Teddy
He has two ears balanced upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white specks,
One soft large nose perched above his mouth,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the muzzle.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His pudge extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming fluff.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Revealing his love for me.
He was built for me by my beloved,
Each of his attributes assembled for me explicitly,
I will take him with me past the moons of Jupiter,
And into the world beyond.
He has two ears balanced upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white specks,
One soft large nose perched above his mouth,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the muzzle.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His pudge extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming fluff.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Revealing his love for me.
He was built for me by my beloved,
Each of his attributes assembled for me explicitly,
I will take him with me past the moons of Jupiter,
And into the world beyond.
At one point while writing these poems I decided to take a break and check JobCat to see if there were any job postings near by. There actually was, so I decided to fix up my resume and write a cover letter and apply. I really hope I get the job, I could use the income.
Now I'm headed to bed, much later than I had anticipated (3 am). Tomorrow I have to get up an hour earlier than I normally would because I'm "dressing to the badge" which means I'm dressing super formal to classes and wearing my DG pin. I think it'll be fun but awkward. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Drama Saga Continues
Sometimes I feel that this blog is more of a way to rant about my various drama rather than an actual diary. It helps though.
So, as the title implies, I have more drama in my life. Kitten has become more intolerable and Wits (formally known as P1) has become more annoying. It's strange, but right now I feel as if my closest friend was someone who I never thought I'd be able to be friends again with. When I told Draco (formerly known as P2) that this was the case right now he was shocked. He told me I needed to talk to Wits, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel that if Wits really wants to be my friend and care about what happens in my life that he would ask about it, but he doesn't. I don't think I'm ever going to volunteer information to him anymore because I just get the feeling that it annoys him. Draco was describing to my roommate Nerdy, that in the last two months he's watched a spectacular friendship go up in smoke and it really bothers him. Kitten, Wits, and I used to be so close but now we can hardly have a conversation (even between just two of us) without something bad happening. I've tried to escape this by joining a sorority, but that only seems to have made Kitten's drama worse.
Another thing that bothers me is actually hanging out at the sorority. It feels like I'm invading a lot of the time, so I don't go there very much. I want to be able to hang out and have fun there, but I just feel like an outsider right now, and I hardly know anyone's names. When I told B3 about my insecurities on this matter he told me that he felt the same way when he first joined. He fixed that problem by hanging out there as much as possible, and just learning to balance his away friends with his frat brothers. I think I'm going to try that, and I already made a step towards doing so by asking the new members (like me) to hang out on Sunday. I think we've decided that we're going to go shopping after we eat brunch with all of our other sisters. B3 also helped me get over my conflicts with Kitten and DG. He told me that if she doesn't respect my choice to go there then I should just ignore her. I can hang out with her on occasion, but I shouldn't listen to her otherwise. I feel guilty doing this, but so many people have told me to do it that I really do think its the right thing to do.
I love each and every one of my friends, but I need to find a place where I belong once again and right now I don't have it.
Another additional issues with today is the fact that Kitten found out that Wits is in a new relationship and that I knew it was going to happen for the last two weeks and I didn't tell her. She's also upset that I snapped at her last night (because she woke me up when I was dead tired), and today she didn't even wait to go to class with me. When I got to class she sat on the other side of Javelin and made sure I couldn't sit next to her. At lunch is when she found out about Wits and his new girl friend, and after that is when issues happened.
After lunch I ranted a little bit to Draco and Nerdy, and that's when Draco told me I needed to talk to Wits. After Wits and Draco came back from spanish, Wits decided to ask me to play pool and to show me what Kitten had said to him in a message earlier. The pool game was just awkward because I'm upset with him and I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want to bother him, and I don't want the only thing we ever talk about be Kitten. I want to talk about stuff between the two of us, or even play a fun game together, but we never do that anymore and he shows no interest in it.
I have a couple of other new friends that are fun to hang out with, but I'm still upset at the explosion that's occurred from Kitten and Wits failed relationship.
What I don't get is that Wits knew I was upset, and he didn't even ask me why. All he asked was whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about with him, which I don't consider to be asking about me but asking about whether I have a problem with him. I already told him why I'm upset with him, and for a day it changed, but after that he went back to being disinterested.
Oh well, I guess I'll just stick it out for the rest of this weekend and then after that spend as much time as possible at DG and not around people here.
So, as the title implies, I have more drama in my life. Kitten has become more intolerable and Wits (formally known as P1) has become more annoying. It's strange, but right now I feel as if my closest friend was someone who I never thought I'd be able to be friends again with. When I told Draco (formerly known as P2) that this was the case right now he was shocked. He told me I needed to talk to Wits, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel that if Wits really wants to be my friend and care about what happens in my life that he would ask about it, but he doesn't. I don't think I'm ever going to volunteer information to him anymore because I just get the feeling that it annoys him. Draco was describing to my roommate Nerdy, that in the last two months he's watched a spectacular friendship go up in smoke and it really bothers him. Kitten, Wits, and I used to be so close but now we can hardly have a conversation (even between just two of us) without something bad happening. I've tried to escape this by joining a sorority, but that only seems to have made Kitten's drama worse.
Another thing that bothers me is actually hanging out at the sorority. It feels like I'm invading a lot of the time, so I don't go there very much. I want to be able to hang out and have fun there, but I just feel like an outsider right now, and I hardly know anyone's names. When I told B3 about my insecurities on this matter he told me that he felt the same way when he first joined. He fixed that problem by hanging out there as much as possible, and just learning to balance his away friends with his frat brothers. I think I'm going to try that, and I already made a step towards doing so by asking the new members (like me) to hang out on Sunday. I think we've decided that we're going to go shopping after we eat brunch with all of our other sisters. B3 also helped me get over my conflicts with Kitten and DG. He told me that if she doesn't respect my choice to go there then I should just ignore her. I can hang out with her on occasion, but I shouldn't listen to her otherwise. I feel guilty doing this, but so many people have told me to do it that I really do think its the right thing to do.
I love each and every one of my friends, but I need to find a place where I belong once again and right now I don't have it.
Another additional issues with today is the fact that Kitten found out that Wits is in a new relationship and that I knew it was going to happen for the last two weeks and I didn't tell her. She's also upset that I snapped at her last night (because she woke me up when I was dead tired), and today she didn't even wait to go to class with me. When I got to class she sat on the other side of Javelin and made sure I couldn't sit next to her. At lunch is when she found out about Wits and his new girl friend, and after that is when issues happened.
After lunch I ranted a little bit to Draco and Nerdy, and that's when Draco told me I needed to talk to Wits. After Wits and Draco came back from spanish, Wits decided to ask me to play pool and to show me what Kitten had said to him in a message earlier. The pool game was just awkward because I'm upset with him and I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want to bother him, and I don't want the only thing we ever talk about be Kitten. I want to talk about stuff between the two of us, or even play a fun game together, but we never do that anymore and he shows no interest in it.
I have a couple of other new friends that are fun to hang out with, but I'm still upset at the explosion that's occurred from Kitten and Wits failed relationship.
What I don't get is that Wits knew I was upset, and he didn't even ask me why. All he asked was whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about with him, which I don't consider to be asking about me but asking about whether I have a problem with him. I already told him why I'm upset with him, and for a day it changed, but after that he went back to being disinterested.
Oh well, I guess I'll just stick it out for the rest of this weekend and then after that spend as much time as possible at DG and not around people here.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thoughts
My mind is all jumbled up tonight. Why is it that during the day I can be so happy, but the instant I settle down for bed my mind goes crazy with every small thing that bothers me? I love the way life is going right now, and to all of my friends I say I'm happy, but every single night proves me to be wrong. My mind is so fixated on the things that I can't solve that it's ruining the fun I've been having.
Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.
I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.
I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.
I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.
I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.
I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.
I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.
This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.
My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.
My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.
I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)
I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.
The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.
I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.
Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.
I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.
Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.
I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.
I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.
I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.
I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.
I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.
I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.
This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.
My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.
My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.
I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)
I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.
The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.
I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.
Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.
I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.
The Happy Times Continue
Sometimes it takes a great couple of days, or some lousy things to happen to you for you to really realize just how much the people in your life care for you. I am so incredibly thankful to all of my friends and my family. I'm happy with almost everything that's going on in my life and it is a very nice change from what it was for the last 8 months before that.
The drama is finally at a minimum and I am very thankful for that. My friend Kitten seems to have accepted that I'm leaving, but just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'll never hang out with her anymore. P1 (who I don't have a crush on so we'll call him Wits) and I have been having good conversations recently and it seems to understand why I got upset before and wants to change that. He actually has found a new girl to dote on and so he's happy once again and his life is getting stable once again. Javelin never again brought up our argument and for that I'm thankful, and last night we had a really heart felt conversation where we ended up helping each other out a lot.
My friendship relationship with B3 seems to have had a little bit of a hiccup last night, but I know it'll right itself. He finally trusts me completely again and is treating me like a close friend, which can be somewhat hazardous as he found out last night. He was talking about some girls that he's liked and about ones that he's hit on in the past and it bothered me even though I know it shouldn't. When he asked me why I was suddenly less responsive I decided to tell him the truth and let him know that I was annoyed. After that the conversation just went down hill because he thought I was pissed and I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't. It didn't help that he made a really bad and time inappropriate joke about him walking a girl back to her house. I think I'll talk to him again tonight though and settle the argument we had yesterday.
One thing that I am incredibly happy about as well is the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow! Its for a clerk position at the local law school and it's only 4 hours a week. I think it's perfect because it fits into my schedule nicely, and it isn't too trying. It'll be nice to have a steady income if I can get the job. I don't know that I will get the job yet though because of my prior experience, but I have high hopes.
I am also happy that I am now a new member to Delta Gamma! I had my first ceremony on Monday night, and my first meeting on Sunday night. Tonight I'm going back to the house to have dinner with my Anchor sister and to talk about everything that's happened thus far. I like it a lot and I can't wait to see where it's going to take me. I want to get to know the girls in the sorority better, but right now it seems a little bit awkward. A lot of them know my name, but it feels like to me that I know none of their names even though I've probably been introduced to them all at least two times. I think that with more time spent with them in the house that it'll grow less awkward though and I'll soon learn all of their names.
My classes have also been going really well. I'm actually excited for all of my classes because they are all really fun this semester, and they all seem to be interconnected. Alice in Wonderland (a book I had to read for Children's Classics) has french in it, poetry in it, and logical statements which connect perfectly with french, creative writing, and foundations in mathematics respectively. As I was reading that book I go so excited to find all of the connections that I even brought the book in to show all of my teachers. Creative writing is also a fun class where we're currently working on poetry. My first poem I wrote about the Teddy Bear that B3 gave me, and I actually like it quite a bit. When I brought it in to class today everyone analyzed it and told me stuff I should change about it, and I'd have to agree with them. I think it's going to make for a very cute poem eventually, but the version I have now is:
The drama is finally at a minimum and I am very thankful for that. My friend Kitten seems to have accepted that I'm leaving, but just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'll never hang out with her anymore. P1 (who I don't have a crush on so we'll call him Wits) and I have been having good conversations recently and it seems to understand why I got upset before and wants to change that. He actually has found a new girl to dote on and so he's happy once again and his life is getting stable once again. Javelin never again brought up our argument and for that I'm thankful, and last night we had a really heart felt conversation where we ended up helping each other out a lot.
My friendship relationship with B3 seems to have had a little bit of a hiccup last night, but I know it'll right itself. He finally trusts me completely again and is treating me like a close friend, which can be somewhat hazardous as he found out last night. He was talking about some girls that he's liked and about ones that he's hit on in the past and it bothered me even though I know it shouldn't. When he asked me why I was suddenly less responsive I decided to tell him the truth and let him know that I was annoyed. After that the conversation just went down hill because he thought I was pissed and I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't. It didn't help that he made a really bad and time inappropriate joke about him walking a girl back to her house. I think I'll talk to him again tonight though and settle the argument we had yesterday.
One thing that I am incredibly happy about as well is the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow! Its for a clerk position at the local law school and it's only 4 hours a week. I think it's perfect because it fits into my schedule nicely, and it isn't too trying. It'll be nice to have a steady income if I can get the job. I don't know that I will get the job yet though because of my prior experience, but I have high hopes.
I am also happy that I am now a new member to Delta Gamma! I had my first ceremony on Monday night, and my first meeting on Sunday night. Tonight I'm going back to the house to have dinner with my Anchor sister and to talk about everything that's happened thus far. I like it a lot and I can't wait to see where it's going to take me. I want to get to know the girls in the sorority better, but right now it seems a little bit awkward. A lot of them know my name, but it feels like to me that I know none of their names even though I've probably been introduced to them all at least two times. I think that with more time spent with them in the house that it'll grow less awkward though and I'll soon learn all of their names.
My classes have also been going really well. I'm actually excited for all of my classes because they are all really fun this semester, and they all seem to be interconnected. Alice in Wonderland (a book I had to read for Children's Classics) has french in it, poetry in it, and logical statements which connect perfectly with french, creative writing, and foundations in mathematics respectively. As I was reading that book I go so excited to find all of the connections that I even brought the book in to show all of my teachers. Creative writing is also a fun class where we're currently working on poetry. My first poem I wrote about the Teddy Bear that B3 gave me, and I actually like it quite a bit. When I brought it in to class today everyone analyzed it and told me stuff I should change about it, and I'd have to agree with them. I think it's going to make for a very cute poem eventually, but the version I have now is:
Teddy
He has two ears perched upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white dots,
One soft large nose as opaque as the eyes,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the nose.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His fluff extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming stuffing.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Showing his love for me.
He has two ears perched upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white dots,
One soft large nose as opaque as the eyes,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the nose.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His fluff extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming stuffing.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Showing his love for me.
My french class is also very interesting because of my animated teacher that likes to be dramatic about everything. I think I'm a bit behind though because of my previous experiences in french, so it's going to take a some effort to get back up to the level of everyone else.
Foundations in Mathematics is going to be my most challenging class this semester. It is incredibly difficult already, and my professor says that this is nothing compared to what it's going to be soon. I'm really worried, but I'm going to try my hardest to succeed in the class. It's really interesting and thought provoking though so it won't be too difficult to get myself to wanting to study for it.
The last class I have is Children's Classics, and I am very excited about that class. The teacher is a bit dull, but the reading we have to do for it is awesome. I love all of the books we have to read, and even though we have to read a lot every night I know I can handle it. I'm only worried about the essays, but I only have to do 4 of them total for the entire semester so I'm ok with that.
So that's everything about my classes, but I have to say there is one thing that's been bothering me recently and that's my lack of sleep. I've been having really restless nights where I dream a lot of bizarre dreams and it's starting to get to me. I've been really tired because I'm on my period right now, and not getting sleep just makes it worse. I also don't like that the dreams I've been having relate so strongly to the small things that I want right now that I know I can't have. Like being able to tell my mom that she bothers me when she isn't in town when I go to school or come home. That it feels like she honestly doesn't love me anymore because I've moved out. Another thing would be that in all of my dreams I have a boyfriend. I get to cuddle with him and do everything else and it just makes me want one more in real life. It also doesn't help that the boy in my dreams sometimes is B3, especially since I'm trying hard to get over him. The third thing I dreamed about was actually about getting more sleep. I got so frustrated in one of my dreams about my inability to sleep that I stole an IV with the stuff in it that makes people pass out (like the stuff they gave me when I had my wisdom teeth pulled) and I put it in my arm to sleep. Sadly right at the moment I got it in my arm a guy barged into the room (the one that would later become my boyfriend) and took it out of my arm and kissed me. My dreams have been very strange, and I just want a good nights sleep.
So that's basically everything that's happened in the last week. I guess I write the next time I get the time to do so. Hopefully it'll be sooner than this one was.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
An Incredible Few Days
So I had meant to write every day, but the pace of my day seems to have sped up. I suddenly have a lot more things to do and I rather like it.
In addition to the classes I am taking (which I'm completely stoked for) I have also decided to rush this week. When I went to the informational session on Monday I was a little bit dubious at first, but the more the rho gammas (the leader girls) talked the more I liked the idea of a Sorority. By the end of the session I had decided that I really wanted to pledge to one of them.
After that I decided to start going around and asking which sorority is the best one to join. Right now I have decided that I want to be in Delta Gamma and if that doesn't work out I'll be fine with Pi Beta Phi. Alpha Kai on the other hand I would refuse to go into. It has a really bad reputation at every school as being super slutty. At this school in particular they have a reputation for partying as hard as they can. I don't think that I'd belong in a house like that, but the Delta Gammas are the complete opposite. They are considered to be smart and kind. They also have the nicest house (from what I've seen thus far, the tours don't start until Thursday) but they cost the most money. Overall though I haven't heard anything about Pi Beta Phi, neither good nor bad. I've just heard that they are lesser known and are "ok".
I like the idea of a sisterhood of people that no matter what will be there for you. In the informational session one of the girls talked about how one of her sisters had lost her house in a fire, and the whole alumni had rallied around her to help restore everything she had lost. I want that kind of connection with a group of people, and right now, though I love my friends here, I don't think I have that. I also like that they encourage you to step out of your boundaries and join as many groups as you can. I think that joining a sorority will be good for me.
Last night I went to the sorority "greet and meet" where you go and talk to a bunch of girls from the various houses. The first house I went to was Pi Beta Phi and they were really nice. I only talked to two girls at the time, but at the end of the night I went back and talked to a couple more. After I talked to the two girls from Pi Beta Phi I moved on to the Delta Gamma table. At that table I swear I think I talked to every single girl. I spent at least an hour and a half there talking to the different girls. I met one girl that was extremely happy and energetic. She was a math major and so was excited to hear that I was interested in math as well. Some of the other girls in the group were also very interesting. One girl really liked Dexter and so was pretty passionate about it, and another one seemed like she was the motherly type and liked to make sure that every rush girl that headed over there got to talk to one of the girls. After a while I decided to check out Alpha Pi and decide for myself what I thought of it. At first they seemed pretty interesting, but the moment when they really started getting animated was when they started talking about boys and partying. I think those girls are nice, but I still don't think I belong with them. Each sorority though definitely had a wide variety of people in them.
Tonight I go back to do another meet and greet with other people from the same houses. They say you only have to go to one, but I want to go just to be sure that everyone knows me. I really want to get a bid into Delta Gamma.
In addition to the sorority stuff happening to me in the last couple of days I've had a bit of a surprise from many people. The first of which would be Drama. I talked to her again a couple nights ago and she really does seem like she's changed. She still likes to do some wild stuff, but she seems like she's getting better. I don't think I'll ever be as accepting with her as I was before, but I don't want to just give up being friends with her.
The second big thing that happened would be a drunk conversation with B3 two nights ago. Around 3 am he ended the conversation with this:
B3: ou are not entertaining me enough
B3: i am going to go to bed
B3: just know that i regret breaking up with you like every day
Me: regretting it doesn't take it back...
Me: good night
Me: and I could be entertaining and tell you some stuff, but I don't exactly want to do that because of our previous relationship
Me: at least not yet
B3: ok
B3: bye
B3: i am crying
B3: idk why
Me: I'm sorry
Me: I'm crying too
Me: but I know why
Me: you're probably just crying because you're drunk
Me: good night
What he said in that little segment shocked me. I really didn't know how to handle it so I tried to talk to him the next day (yesterday) at first I told him he was stupid for saying that and he informed me that he was trying to block the conversation out of his mind. I couldn't get what he said out of my mind for the rest of the day though so I decided to talk to him once again and ask him why exactly he regretted breaking up with me. When he said it was mostly because he misses having an intimate relationship with someone that isn't retarded it made it easier for me to cope with what he said. For some reason knowing that he feels that way makes it easier for me to forget about him. I like that he feels the same way I do about having a relationship right now, and even though it was a mistake for him to say it, I think it's going to work out for the best.
The third thing that's happened in the last couple of days would be that P3 actually spoke to me and was nice about it. It was only a brief conversation, but at least he didn't ignore me.
The fourth thing that happened is not as good as everything else. For a while I had thought that P1 was ignoring me. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he got super defensive and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain it the conversation just got worse so I just told him that I was going to leave and do homework.
Later that night I decided to get back online and send him a message explaining everything that had happened. When he responded to the message I discovered that my friend Kitten had tried to be protective of me and talk to him too. That ended up going super badly (like it always does) and now P1 was self destructive again. Right now I have to deal with him, and Kitten, and now another guy, Javelin.
I want that drama to end, but I'm thankful for everything else going right.
In addition to the classes I am taking (which I'm completely stoked for) I have also decided to rush this week. When I went to the informational session on Monday I was a little bit dubious at first, but the more the rho gammas (the leader girls) talked the more I liked the idea of a Sorority. By the end of the session I had decided that I really wanted to pledge to one of them.
After that I decided to start going around and asking which sorority is the best one to join. Right now I have decided that I want to be in Delta Gamma and if that doesn't work out I'll be fine with Pi Beta Phi. Alpha Kai on the other hand I would refuse to go into. It has a really bad reputation at every school as being super slutty. At this school in particular they have a reputation for partying as hard as they can. I don't think that I'd belong in a house like that, but the Delta Gammas are the complete opposite. They are considered to be smart and kind. They also have the nicest house (from what I've seen thus far, the tours don't start until Thursday) but they cost the most money. Overall though I haven't heard anything about Pi Beta Phi, neither good nor bad. I've just heard that they are lesser known and are "ok".
I like the idea of a sisterhood of people that no matter what will be there for you. In the informational session one of the girls talked about how one of her sisters had lost her house in a fire, and the whole alumni had rallied around her to help restore everything she had lost. I want that kind of connection with a group of people, and right now, though I love my friends here, I don't think I have that. I also like that they encourage you to step out of your boundaries and join as many groups as you can. I think that joining a sorority will be good for me.
Last night I went to the sorority "greet and meet" where you go and talk to a bunch of girls from the various houses. The first house I went to was Pi Beta Phi and they were really nice. I only talked to two girls at the time, but at the end of the night I went back and talked to a couple more. After I talked to the two girls from Pi Beta Phi I moved on to the Delta Gamma table. At that table I swear I think I talked to every single girl. I spent at least an hour and a half there talking to the different girls. I met one girl that was extremely happy and energetic. She was a math major and so was excited to hear that I was interested in math as well. Some of the other girls in the group were also very interesting. One girl really liked Dexter and so was pretty passionate about it, and another one seemed like she was the motherly type and liked to make sure that every rush girl that headed over there got to talk to one of the girls. After a while I decided to check out Alpha Pi and decide for myself what I thought of it. At first they seemed pretty interesting, but the moment when they really started getting animated was when they started talking about boys and partying. I think those girls are nice, but I still don't think I belong with them. Each sorority though definitely had a wide variety of people in them.
Tonight I go back to do another meet and greet with other people from the same houses. They say you only have to go to one, but I want to go just to be sure that everyone knows me. I really want to get a bid into Delta Gamma.
In addition to the sorority stuff happening to me in the last couple of days I've had a bit of a surprise from many people. The first of which would be Drama. I talked to her again a couple nights ago and she really does seem like she's changed. She still likes to do some wild stuff, but she seems like she's getting better. I don't think I'll ever be as accepting with her as I was before, but I don't want to just give up being friends with her.
The second big thing that happened would be a drunk conversation with B3 two nights ago. Around 3 am he ended the conversation with this:
B3: ou are not entertaining me enough
B3: i am going to go to bed
B3: just know that i regret breaking up with you like every day
Me: regretting it doesn't take it back...
Me: good night
Me: and I could be entertaining and tell you some stuff, but I don't exactly want to do that because of our previous relationship
Me: at least not yet
B3: ok
B3: bye
B3: i am crying
B3: idk why
Me: I'm sorry
Me: I'm crying too
Me: but I know why
Me: you're probably just crying because you're drunk
Me: good night
What he said in that little segment shocked me. I really didn't know how to handle it so I tried to talk to him the next day (yesterday) at first I told him he was stupid for saying that and he informed me that he was trying to block the conversation out of his mind. I couldn't get what he said out of my mind for the rest of the day though so I decided to talk to him once again and ask him why exactly he regretted breaking up with me. When he said it was mostly because he misses having an intimate relationship with someone that isn't retarded it made it easier for me to cope with what he said. For some reason knowing that he feels that way makes it easier for me to forget about him. I like that he feels the same way I do about having a relationship right now, and even though it was a mistake for him to say it, I think it's going to work out for the best.
The third thing that's happened in the last couple of days would be that P3 actually spoke to me and was nice about it. It was only a brief conversation, but at least he didn't ignore me.
The fourth thing that happened is not as good as everything else. For a while I had thought that P1 was ignoring me. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he got super defensive and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain it the conversation just got worse so I just told him that I was going to leave and do homework.
Later that night I decided to get back online and send him a message explaining everything that had happened. When he responded to the message I discovered that my friend Kitten had tried to be protective of me and talk to him too. That ended up going super badly (like it always does) and now P1 was self destructive again. Right now I have to deal with him, and Kitten, and now another guy, Javelin.
I want that drama to end, but I'm thankful for everything else going right.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Back to Willamette
Yesterday, or I guess now that it's 2am that it would be the day before yesterday, I journeyed back to college.
I was pretty happy and excited to go back the night before, plus my sleep schedule was messed up, so I didn't get much sleep Friday night. I had planned on going to bed early because I had to be up early, so I went to sleep around midnight. The problem was, was that I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't sleep any more. So I laid in bed until 7am, then I got up and took a shower.
The reason I had to get up so early anyway was because I was going to go see the Harry Potter Exhibition with my Dad and brother before I left for school. So when my brother showed up at my dad's house, I packed the car with all of my college stuff, and then we took off to the Pacific Science Center. My dad is a member of this special club there so we got to have a free breakfast and free admission to the Harry Potter Exhibit. The breakfast is always good so Travis (My brother) and I always look forward to it. I was also particularly excited for the exhibit and so within 15 minutes of sitting down to eat, I was already up and ready to go.
We wandered up to the exhibit and we were the first ones in line. They gave us little remotes that would, if we held them up to our ear, would tell us about different things in the exhibit. When it was finally time to enter, everyone all went into the exhibit together and we crowded around the sorting hat. The lady standing next to the sorting hat called for three volunteers, who in turn were sorted into Griffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Then we moved on into a huge room that was filled with several TV screens mounted on the walls. They played various scenes from the different movies and when it was done the wall behind us opened up into the actual exhibit. It took my family and me about half an hour to go through the exhibit and it was really awesome. My favorite part was standing in front of Voldemort's costume and hearing him talk to me right behind my head (they had a focused sound spot). It was pretty awesome.
After we left the exhibit, we drove back to my dad's house to drop my brother off and then we were off again, this time to Willamette. The car ride went by fairly fast because my dad and I were talking the whole time. I always like car rides with him because that's the time when we're really able to catch up. I love my dad so much, and being away from home makes me realize just how much he loves me. Even though I didn't grow up in his household, I know that he's probably played the biggest part in molding me to be who I am today.
When we finally arrived in Salem around 2pm we had a couple of errands to run so we went to Costco so I could get some frosted mini wheats, and then off to Wal Mart so that I could get toiletries. After the errands were done my dad took me to my school and I unloaded the car. Then I hugged my dad goodbye and went in to settle down.
I was the second one back, so the normally rowdy dorm was super quiet. I decided to just unpack all of my stuff and hope that more people would show up by the time I was done. As I finished one more person showed up but it wasn't that much to interest me. I took my laptop anyway though and went out into the lounge to hang out. I watched as slowly people started to arrive. By the end of the day there were plenty of people to hang out with and so we went into the TV room and played Glee Karaoke. After a couple of hours playing the game it was 2 am and so I went to bed and slept for 12 hours.
Overall it was a pretty awesome day, there were a few details though that stand out that I haven't mentioned yet.
The first of which is the fact that my friend Kitten from the first semester informed me that she wants to distance herself from me more this semester. She kept talking about how she doesn't want to come back, and then to have her tell me that makes me think that it's partially my fault, and I'm pretty sure in her mind it is. When she finally arrived at the dorm though, she acted no differently than she had before. I really don't know what to make of it yet.
The second thing that happened is that someone who used to be my friend but then became completely psycho and crazy decided to text me and ask to be friends again. Drama had been a really good friend of mine for six years prior, when all of the sudden she decided that everything I did was out to get her. She believed that I hated her and that I told everyone else to hate her too. When it got so bad that every time I talked to her it seemed to just end up in a big fight with both of us crying, I decided to just stop talking to her. A month after I decided that her boyfriend wrote incredibly cruel things about my boyfriend and me on a friends wall, and so my other friends boyfriend sent him death threats (he also had been slandered). The parents then decided to get involved, and even though I hadn't said anything to Drama in a month, they came to my house when I wasn't even home and yelled at my parents. They said that I did really bitchy things to Drama, even though I hadn't done any of them. I decided to continue not speaking to Drama, and life got a little easier for me. Drama at one point demanded that I take down all of my pictures of her because she didn't want to be associated with me and I refused because that would mean taking down basically every picture from high school. She got pissed and just decided to block me. I didn't hear from her after that until last night.
Drama informed me last night that she was changing. That she was on heavy anti-depressant drugs and that she saw a therapist several times a week. Right now I'm not sure whether to trust her or not, but I've decided to give her a chance. I never stopped caring about her, and I really truly do hope that she's changed.
I was pretty happy and excited to go back the night before, plus my sleep schedule was messed up, so I didn't get much sleep Friday night. I had planned on going to bed early because I had to be up early, so I went to sleep around midnight. The problem was, was that I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't sleep any more. So I laid in bed until 7am, then I got up and took a shower.
The reason I had to get up so early anyway was because I was going to go see the Harry Potter Exhibition with my Dad and brother before I left for school. So when my brother showed up at my dad's house, I packed the car with all of my college stuff, and then we took off to the Pacific Science Center. My dad is a member of this special club there so we got to have a free breakfast and free admission to the Harry Potter Exhibit. The breakfast is always good so Travis (My brother) and I always look forward to it. I was also particularly excited for the exhibit and so within 15 minutes of sitting down to eat, I was already up and ready to go.
We wandered up to the exhibit and we were the first ones in line. They gave us little remotes that would, if we held them up to our ear, would tell us about different things in the exhibit. When it was finally time to enter, everyone all went into the exhibit together and we crowded around the sorting hat. The lady standing next to the sorting hat called for three volunteers, who in turn were sorted into Griffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Then we moved on into a huge room that was filled with several TV screens mounted on the walls. They played various scenes from the different movies and when it was done the wall behind us opened up into the actual exhibit. It took my family and me about half an hour to go through the exhibit and it was really awesome. My favorite part was standing in front of Voldemort's costume and hearing him talk to me right behind my head (they had a focused sound spot). It was pretty awesome.
After we left the exhibit, we drove back to my dad's house to drop my brother off and then we were off again, this time to Willamette. The car ride went by fairly fast because my dad and I were talking the whole time. I always like car rides with him because that's the time when we're really able to catch up. I love my dad so much, and being away from home makes me realize just how much he loves me. Even though I didn't grow up in his household, I know that he's probably played the biggest part in molding me to be who I am today.
When we finally arrived in Salem around 2pm we had a couple of errands to run so we went to Costco so I could get some frosted mini wheats, and then off to Wal Mart so that I could get toiletries. After the errands were done my dad took me to my school and I unloaded the car. Then I hugged my dad goodbye and went in to settle down.
I was the second one back, so the normally rowdy dorm was super quiet. I decided to just unpack all of my stuff and hope that more people would show up by the time I was done. As I finished one more person showed up but it wasn't that much to interest me. I took my laptop anyway though and went out into the lounge to hang out. I watched as slowly people started to arrive. By the end of the day there were plenty of people to hang out with and so we went into the TV room and played Glee Karaoke. After a couple of hours playing the game it was 2 am and so I went to bed and slept for 12 hours.
Overall it was a pretty awesome day, there were a few details though that stand out that I haven't mentioned yet.
The first of which is the fact that my friend Kitten from the first semester informed me that she wants to distance herself from me more this semester. She kept talking about how she doesn't want to come back, and then to have her tell me that makes me think that it's partially my fault, and I'm pretty sure in her mind it is. When she finally arrived at the dorm though, she acted no differently than she had before. I really don't know what to make of it yet.
The second thing that happened is that someone who used to be my friend but then became completely psycho and crazy decided to text me and ask to be friends again. Drama had been a really good friend of mine for six years prior, when all of the sudden she decided that everything I did was out to get her. She believed that I hated her and that I told everyone else to hate her too. When it got so bad that every time I talked to her it seemed to just end up in a big fight with both of us crying, I decided to just stop talking to her. A month after I decided that her boyfriend wrote incredibly cruel things about my boyfriend and me on a friends wall, and so my other friends boyfriend sent him death threats (he also had been slandered). The parents then decided to get involved, and even though I hadn't said anything to Drama in a month, they came to my house when I wasn't even home and yelled at my parents. They said that I did really bitchy things to Drama, even though I hadn't done any of them. I decided to continue not speaking to Drama, and life got a little easier for me. Drama at one point demanded that I take down all of my pictures of her because she didn't want to be associated with me and I refused because that would mean taking down basically every picture from high school. She got pissed and just decided to block me. I didn't hear from her after that until last night.
Drama informed me last night that she was changing. That she was on heavy anti-depressant drugs and that she saw a therapist several times a week. Right now I'm not sure whether to trust her or not, but I've decided to give her a chance. I never stopped caring about her, and I really truly do hope that she's changed.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A Broken Hearted History Part 6
This is the final part to this section. After this I think I'll start actually writing about my every day life, and if need be I'll fill in the other drama in my life that's occurred in the last 8 months, but I just don't feel like it now.
So the story of P2 isn't one that's sad at all. I turned to liking him when I got soundly rejected from P1. P2 is an incredibly smart sweet boy who enjoys doing a lot of the same things as me. I honestly have no physical attraction to him (even though he isn't horrible looking) but I can't help crushing on him a little bit because of how sweet he is. I like that he's completely nerdy and that he's always there to help. Though he might not end up as my boyfriend some day, I know he and I will be great friends. He knows how to listen, and not many people know how to do that anymore. He simply listens without analyzing everything, listens without feeling the need to judge on my actions. Even though I've only known him for four months, I'm pretty sure I'd trust him with any secret I have.
P2 and I like to ask each other questions just for the sake of asking. We are both incredible curious about other people's lives, and so when we get together we are almost always constantly asking each other questions. The other day I decided to ask him if he had a crush on a girl. He said he had the potential to, but he didn't really. I asked who the girl was, and he told me it was another girl from our dorm. Surprisingly, I wasn't crushed by this revelation. I prefer that he doesn't like me back because I wouldn't ever want to ruin the friendship I have with him by dating him. He is worth much more to me than a boy to cuddle with.
Of course after I asked the question of who he liked, he reciprocated. I felt compelled to tell him the truth, but I made him guess first given the hint that he was the person closest to the guy I liked. When he guessed himself he was slightly unsure, but I confirmed it. The way he took the news makes me like him even more as a friend. He didn't freak out at all, he didn't assume that we weren't going to be able to be friends anymore. Instead he just took it in stride and told me that he was flattered but that he didn't have the same feelings for me. We talked a little bit after that but it really didn't feel like any distance had grown between us like it normally does when someone reveals their affection for another person and that person doesn't reciprocate.
This boy is incredibly kind and sweet, and I hope he finds peace and happiness some day.
P3 is a bit of a different story. He is a year younger than me and thus still in high school. The first time I met him it was at church camp and he liked to flirt with me constantly. I wasn't apposed to flirting back with him, but my friend Hot-Head most certainly was. She'd find ways to separate him and me on the trip and pull me out of conversations with him, so even though I could tell he liked me I never actually went anywhere with him.
Last year I had one class with him, but during the class he mostly seemed to either be trying to get over another girl that had been incredibly cruel to him or to be constantly flirting with the other girl that hung out with us. I decided that even though I had a baby crush on him I wouldn't let it get anywhere. Instead I focused on B3 and everything about him. Later on I found out that apparently P3 had a crush on me the majority of that semester and only flirted with the other girl because I didn't seem like I liked him.
Now P3 isn't the most attractive boy on the planet, but he's not the ugliest either. Over the summer he started working out with the Marines and he worked on a barge lifting heavy objects every day, so needless to say he lost a lot of weight. By the time I saw him over this winter break he had lost 60 lbs. He looked incredible compared to how he looked before. Now he was exactly the body type I go for in a boy (tall and with just enough pudge on stomach to cover up the muscles that he had). He still had a pretty bad acne problem, but acne doesn't bother me that much because I too tend to have an acne problem.
For about a month before winter break P3 and I had been talking quite a bit. He was frustrated with his love life because right now (and then) it was non-exhistant and he knew he wouldn't get one before he shipped out with the Marines this July. I talked to him and let him vent, and in return he let me vent about my own love life problems. By the time break rolled around P3 wanted to see me again. I said ok, and so the Monday after I came home I went to hang out at his house.
His house surprised me with how clean and proper it was. He had a beautiful home that was perfectly organized with no toys or crap just lying around like my house has. His room surprised me as well. All he had in it was his couch, TV, game station, and computer. I expected him to have a lot more military paraphernalia but there was pretty much nothing in his room.
When I first got there we just went up to his room and talked for a good two hours at least. When our conversation started dieing he brought out his x-box and we started playing Halo together. I was absolutely horrible but I honestly was having a lot of fun. After I played one game where I utterly sucked though, P3 decided to turn that off and put on a movie from netflix. We decided to watch StarTrek and during the movie leaned back to rest my head on the cushions of the couch. He apparently though I looked uncomfortable so he kept asking if I was ok. I of course was quite content and told him so, but he didn't really believe me. At one point he told me that I could rest my head on his shoulder, but I honestly didn't want to cuddle with him because I didn't want to let myself have feelings for him again before I went back to school and he went off into the Military.
Later on that night after I left he started texting me and asking if I liked him. My response was that I wouldn't let myself like him because I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again. He said that that didn't really matter and when I asked if he liked me he said that he did. We then decided that we were going to become cuddle buddies over the break. That's the way it started anyway. We tried to plan days when we could cuddle with each other, but with me working it was difficult that first week. Later on I suggested many days that we could get together, and initially he agreed to them but when it came to the actual day he would flake on me. He flaked on me a total of 5 times over the break, but the last one was the worst.
He had promised that we were going to hang out the Sunday before last and so I took extra care getting ready that day. He texted me around 1 that he was excited to have time with me that day, but when I went to take a shower and get ready, afterwards he didn't text me for the rest of the day. I was incredibly upset because he had texted me constantly for two weeks and then he just suddenly stopped texting on a day when I was supposed to hang out with him.
Later on I found out that he had had some family issues that caused him to stop texting me, but even after he told me that he still didn't text me much. I started wondering if there had been something that I had done wrong, but when I asked him he told me I hadn't. I asked him if that's the case then why did he just suddenly stop texting me completely. His response was that his life was hell at the current time and that he just didn't want to text me. Even now I still think I must have done something wrong to piss him off or something, but the time is gone now to hang out with him so P3 is officially in the past. I do hope I can still be friends again with him someday, but the chance of having a cuddle buddy has gone.
So right now, it's been made pretty clear that no matter how hard I want a guy to date or even simply cuddle with, I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Hopefully when I'm back in college tomorrow I'll be able to forget this and just immerse myself in school work and fun. Probably more of the latter... :)
So the story of P2 isn't one that's sad at all. I turned to liking him when I got soundly rejected from P1. P2 is an incredibly smart sweet boy who enjoys doing a lot of the same things as me. I honestly have no physical attraction to him (even though he isn't horrible looking) but I can't help crushing on him a little bit because of how sweet he is. I like that he's completely nerdy and that he's always there to help. Though he might not end up as my boyfriend some day, I know he and I will be great friends. He knows how to listen, and not many people know how to do that anymore. He simply listens without analyzing everything, listens without feeling the need to judge on my actions. Even though I've only known him for four months, I'm pretty sure I'd trust him with any secret I have.
P2 and I like to ask each other questions just for the sake of asking. We are both incredible curious about other people's lives, and so when we get together we are almost always constantly asking each other questions. The other day I decided to ask him if he had a crush on a girl. He said he had the potential to, but he didn't really. I asked who the girl was, and he told me it was another girl from our dorm. Surprisingly, I wasn't crushed by this revelation. I prefer that he doesn't like me back because I wouldn't ever want to ruin the friendship I have with him by dating him. He is worth much more to me than a boy to cuddle with.
Of course after I asked the question of who he liked, he reciprocated. I felt compelled to tell him the truth, but I made him guess first given the hint that he was the person closest to the guy I liked. When he guessed himself he was slightly unsure, but I confirmed it. The way he took the news makes me like him even more as a friend. He didn't freak out at all, he didn't assume that we weren't going to be able to be friends anymore. Instead he just took it in stride and told me that he was flattered but that he didn't have the same feelings for me. We talked a little bit after that but it really didn't feel like any distance had grown between us like it normally does when someone reveals their affection for another person and that person doesn't reciprocate.
This boy is incredibly kind and sweet, and I hope he finds peace and happiness some day.
P3 is a bit of a different story. He is a year younger than me and thus still in high school. The first time I met him it was at church camp and he liked to flirt with me constantly. I wasn't apposed to flirting back with him, but my friend Hot-Head most certainly was. She'd find ways to separate him and me on the trip and pull me out of conversations with him, so even though I could tell he liked me I never actually went anywhere with him.
Last year I had one class with him, but during the class he mostly seemed to either be trying to get over another girl that had been incredibly cruel to him or to be constantly flirting with the other girl that hung out with us. I decided that even though I had a baby crush on him I wouldn't let it get anywhere. Instead I focused on B3 and everything about him. Later on I found out that apparently P3 had a crush on me the majority of that semester and only flirted with the other girl because I didn't seem like I liked him.
Now P3 isn't the most attractive boy on the planet, but he's not the ugliest either. Over the summer he started working out with the Marines and he worked on a barge lifting heavy objects every day, so needless to say he lost a lot of weight. By the time I saw him over this winter break he had lost 60 lbs. He looked incredible compared to how he looked before. Now he was exactly the body type I go for in a boy (tall and with just enough pudge on stomach to cover up the muscles that he had). He still had a pretty bad acne problem, but acne doesn't bother me that much because I too tend to have an acne problem.
For about a month before winter break P3 and I had been talking quite a bit. He was frustrated with his love life because right now (and then) it was non-exhistant and he knew he wouldn't get one before he shipped out with the Marines this July. I talked to him and let him vent, and in return he let me vent about my own love life problems. By the time break rolled around P3 wanted to see me again. I said ok, and so the Monday after I came home I went to hang out at his house.
His house surprised me with how clean and proper it was. He had a beautiful home that was perfectly organized with no toys or crap just lying around like my house has. His room surprised me as well. All he had in it was his couch, TV, game station, and computer. I expected him to have a lot more military paraphernalia but there was pretty much nothing in his room.
When I first got there we just went up to his room and talked for a good two hours at least. When our conversation started dieing he brought out his x-box and we started playing Halo together. I was absolutely horrible but I honestly was having a lot of fun. After I played one game where I utterly sucked though, P3 decided to turn that off and put on a movie from netflix. We decided to watch StarTrek and during the movie leaned back to rest my head on the cushions of the couch. He apparently though I looked uncomfortable so he kept asking if I was ok. I of course was quite content and told him so, but he didn't really believe me. At one point he told me that I could rest my head on his shoulder, but I honestly didn't want to cuddle with him because I didn't want to let myself have feelings for him again before I went back to school and he went off into the Military.
Later on that night after I left he started texting me and asking if I liked him. My response was that I wouldn't let myself like him because I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again. He said that that didn't really matter and when I asked if he liked me he said that he did. We then decided that we were going to become cuddle buddies over the break. That's the way it started anyway. We tried to plan days when we could cuddle with each other, but with me working it was difficult that first week. Later on I suggested many days that we could get together, and initially he agreed to them but when it came to the actual day he would flake on me. He flaked on me a total of 5 times over the break, but the last one was the worst.
He had promised that we were going to hang out the Sunday before last and so I took extra care getting ready that day. He texted me around 1 that he was excited to have time with me that day, but when I went to take a shower and get ready, afterwards he didn't text me for the rest of the day. I was incredibly upset because he had texted me constantly for two weeks and then he just suddenly stopped texting on a day when I was supposed to hang out with him.
Later on I found out that he had had some family issues that caused him to stop texting me, but even after he told me that he still didn't text me much. I started wondering if there had been something that I had done wrong, but when I asked him he told me I hadn't. I asked him if that's the case then why did he just suddenly stop texting me completely. His response was that his life was hell at the current time and that he just didn't want to text me. Even now I still think I must have done something wrong to piss him off or something, but the time is gone now to hang out with him so P3 is officially in the past. I do hope I can still be friends again with him someday, but the chance of having a cuddle buddy has gone.
So right now, it's been made pretty clear that no matter how hard I want a guy to date or even simply cuddle with, I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Hopefully when I'm back in college tomorrow I'll be able to forget this and just immerse myself in school work and fun. Probably more of the latter... :)
Friday, January 14, 2011
A Broken Hearted History Part 5
Ok so the next part of the story isn't nearly as hard for me as the rest of my story was. This part did cause me a lot of pain though, but I'm mostly over it now. At least for the time being anyway. When I go back to college in two days I'm not so sure I'll still be over it depending on how my friends act.
So, like I mentioned in an earlier post, the week B3 broke up with me my brain decided to try and cope by crushing on a new boy. I think my brain picked him because he seemed like he had the most in common with me and at first his physical attributes really attracted me.
P1 is about 6ft 2in (I think) and pretty fit (meaning no six pack, but no man boobs or beer belly). He was also pretty athletic and always seemed to be happy and smiling. He is incredibly smart which is no surprise considering he is majoring in math. I honestly believe that even if my brain weren't trying to find someone to replace B3, I might have developed a crush on P1 anyway.
My friend Kitten thought that it would be good for me to crush on a boy to forget about B3 and so she tried to get me and P1 together as much as possible. Every night the three of us would play games together and I would flirt a lot. We had a lot of fun playing games and just talking that after a while we grew pretty close.
One day, P1 decided to go into a room with another friend of mine, Gossip. Gossip was of course known for gossiping a lot, and Kitten didn't really like him all that much. She believe that he was pretty mean and she really didn't like that P1 went off into another room to talk to him. For the next couple of days her trust in P1 started getting worse and worse, and the two of them started arguing. I ended up being in the middle of a lot of the arguments because I was friends with both of them, but it wasn't that bad.
One evening when Kitten went to bed earlier than P1 and me the two of us stayed up talking. P1 started venting to me a little but about his frustrations with Kitten, and I decided to just ask him if he liked her. He didn't really want to answer, but I could tell that he did. He had been flirting with her a lot in the recent days, and one night when we all had a "sleep over" out in one of the big rooms he kept trying to get her to cuddle with him. After a little bit of cajoling, I was finally able to get him to admit that he liked her. He was incredible confused as to why she had suddenly started hanging out with him when the previous year she had basically ignored him. I informed him that it was kind of my fault. I admitted I had a crush on him (I told him I used to, but that it was gone by this point). He didn't really respond to this at the time but from that point on he tried to use me as a go between with him and Kitten.
The two of them kept fighting on and off for another week and P1 was incredibly frustrated. By this time I started to notice just how emotional he was. He had been hurt pretty severely by his previous girl friends, and his family history wasn't pleasant either. Anyone could tell that he was unstable and it seemed to get even worse now that he had a girl to go after.
After one particularly bad argument with Kitten, P1 ran off in a huff. Kitten didn't seem to upset by it, just incredibly confused and it was rather late by this time so she went to bed. I went upstairs to comfort P1 and he asked me point blank whether Kitten liked him. The day before I had asked that same question of Kitten and she had told me no. Not to mention that she had just gotten out of a relationship of two years and didn't feel ready to date yet. I told P1 this information and he seemed pretty upset, but not as unstable as he had seemed before. I then asked him if I was allowed to tell Kitten that he had liked her, and he said he would prefer me not to, but if it helped then I was more than welcome to.
The next day I tried to calm Kitten down a bit with her confusion and make her realize that he liked her, and finally when she just wouldn't believe me I told her the truth. That he had told me the week prior that he has liked her for a year. In that moment she changed her opinion and told me that she actually did like him like that, it was just that she didn't have as much of a physical attraction that she had had with previous boyfriends.
I felt bad after that conversation and so went back to tell P1 that I had screwed up and that there was still a chance for him. I showed him the entire conversation I'd had with her (it was a Facebook conversation), but in the chat I admitted that I still liked him. He read the whole thing but didn't seem to react to it much. Instead when it was done he just hurried up downstairs to talk to Kitten and smooth things over.
I stayed up later that night hoping that they would come up and fill me in, but by the time it hit 3am I figured it was just better to go to bed. The next day P1 had a D&D game to go to in a different city, so he wasn't around. I heard from Kitten that the conversation between the two of them had gone pretty smoothly and that they were once again on friendly terms. She also told me that he wanted to talk to me when he got back. I didn't really want to talk to him, but both him and Kitten insisted.
Kitten caught me upset that night when I was in my room and told P1 about it. He decided he couldn't wait to tell me exactly how he felt about me until he got back. He decided to tell me over Facebook that he really wasn't interested in me like that. That he thought I was a good friend and didn't think I could ever be anything more with him. I was upset because I still liked him, but I accepted it.
For the next 3 weeks Kitten and P1 flirted constantly but said that they weren't a couple. It took a lot of effort to get them to admit that they were actually dating. Finally after a long weekend they agreed that they were dating. It took another 3 weeks to get them to admit that they were a couple. The person holding back on all of the titles the whole time was Kitten because she didn't want other people to judge her as jumping into a new relationship so fast. Even with this every person in the dorm knew it was rebound. Everyone knows exactly how Kitten acts and that there would be no actual possibility of survival with this couple. Both Kitten and P1 knew everyone's opinions on this, but that didn't stop them from trying.
When they finally started dating it started getting more and more awkward for me. I was (and am) not over B3 yet and so it was difficult to be the only other person in the room with them when they started cuddling, or on the rare occasion sneaking a kiss when I looked away. They didn't realize that I could hear their kisses and that it was still just as awkward.
Their relationship was rocky even before it started. These two were just not built for each other. P1 was incredibly emotional, but Kitten was closed off. Where P1 wanted to talk about their problems, Kitten wanted to just ignore them and let them disappear. This caused so many conflicts between the two of them that it seemed to me that they were almost always upset. To them though, the very few good days that they had together trumped all bad ones. They just wouldn't admit that they were not good for each other.
Two weeks before winter break, the inevitable happened. Kitten grew so frustrated with P1 that she was literally having small panic attacks. She was super sick for about a month, and when she finally went to the doctor they prescribed her with 3 different antibiotics and a couple of nose sprays for a sinus infection. She was so stressed during this time and P1 just kept making it worse. She finally snapped (after quite a bit of fighting) and said that she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She didn't say the words "I am breaking up with you" though, so P1 just assumed that she was upset and that they were still a couple. I would tell him that they were through, but he wouldn't listen to me. Instead he kept pestering her trying to talk to her some more. By this point she was trying as hard as she could to avoid him and ignore him.
P1 was an emotional wreck during this time. Sometimes he would stay up late at night just bawling down in the basement and I would try and comfort him. I hated this so much because no matter what I did he wouldn't accept it because I wasn't the right girl. Every single time I tried to help him he said he just didn't care. He needed Kitten to be the one to say everything that I was saying to him. One night I even dragged Kitten downstairs and fed her lines to say to him, and all of the sudden he stopped crying and was much better. It hurt me so much knowing that even though I really cared for him I could do absolutely nothing to help him, but I couldn't stop trying.
When I finally got Kitten to tell P1 point blank that they were no longer a couple things just got even worse for me. Both of them started to avoid each other, and I got pulled in between the two of them. Both of them needed my help, but I felt that P1 needed it more because he was the one that wasn't eating anything at all and sleeping all day. I would spend every spare minute I had trying to cajole him into eating or even just talking. I swear, I don't think he showered for an entire week. It was pretty disgusting.
This was also right around the time that we were shopping for Christmas gifts. I was excited because I knew exactly what to get Kitten, and I knew that P1 would be easy to shop for. When I mentioned to P1 that I was excited for what I had gotten Kitten he responded "Omg I'm so sorry, I forgot to get you a present." This hurt a lot because I had thought we were really close and I figured that he would think about me on occasion, but this was proof that he really didn't do that. When I told Kitten about this she got pretty upset and started texting him right away, yelling at him for not thinking about me even though I'd been basically nursing him for the past week. I got more upset because I didn't want her making him more upset, especially if it was on my account, but the message got through anyway.
P1 decided that he needed to go shopping to get Kitten a more appropriate Christmas present and he wanted me to go with him to pick something out. When I went with him though it was right at dinner time, and Kitten got upset because I was once again hanging out with him and not her. She thought that I was abandoning her and that I would soon ditch her like all of her friends back home had done. When P1 found out that she was upset about it he told me to just go back. He didn't want her upset anymore, but I was pissed because she was making me pick between her and P1, so I refused to go back.
Over the next couple of days the anger from the two of them just seemed to increase. P1 still wouldn't really accept my help no matter what I tried, and Kitten was upset that I would spend so much time with P1. It got to a point that no matter what I did I was hurting someone and it made me crazy. This also happened to be on a day when I had a final that I thought I had failed. That final was worth 30% of my grade so I was sure that I had failed that test. By the end of the day I was a mess. I could hardly keep it together, but I told myself I had to so that I could help Kitten and P1. The sad part is, is that I couldn't keep it together.
That night I had decided to hang out with Kitten until midnight, and then pretend to go to bed. When I "went to bed" what I really did was change into pj's and then sneak up the back stairs to P1s room to play video games with him. When he went downstairs to grab games and some water he started talking to Kitten. Kitten started to vent to him that she was upset because I wasn't spending enough time with her and that she thought that she was being left out. P1 felt the need to play peacemaker now and come upstairs and tell me what she had said. That just about ruined it for me and I started to tear up. I HATE crying in front of people so I quickly started heading back to my own room. He had to go talk to Kitten again anyway, but he texted me a little while later and asked if I was ok. I said I wasn't, and we both ended up going to the basement to talk. I tried to keep it together the best I could, but in the end I broke down. P1 just didn't know what to do, so he went upstairs and grabbed Kitten to come downstairs and talk to me. As soon as she saw me she went into mother mode. She talked to me and eventually it got better. The three of us started having a decent conversation -- the best one in weeks -- and it seemed like we were finally starting to mend.
After a couple of hours being happy together I asked if it would be ok if I went to bed. The two of them seemed like they were going to be up a while longer, but I was super tired after having such an emotional day and I needed to sleep. I also didn't want to just leave them though because I wasn't sure they could handle each other alone at the moment. Kitten told me I could go, and eventually with some prodding P1 told me to go to bed as well.
When I left though, P1 just couldn't hold his questions in any longer. He started asking Kitten difficult questions that she didn't know the answers to. She started getting flustered and frustrated again, and P1 ended up crying. He texted me even though he knew I was going to sleep and that text messages would wake me up that he was upset and needed help. When I woke up and read the text I grabbed my blankets and pillows and went downstairs to comfort him. By this time it was about 7am, and it took about a half an hour to calm him down enough to start breathing normally again. I didn't want to leave him though, so I asked him to study his homework in the room while I curled up in a corner and went to sleep. Kitten had left while P1 was crying, and so P1 agreed to do it. He had recently started doing some of the things I asked because he knew it frustrated me to know end that I never seemed to actually be able to help him. So he studied for his math test later that day and I slept in a corner. At about 9am he got up and decided he was done studying and that he needed some sleep. When he got up and said my name I was instantly awake even though I had been hard asleep before, and so I relocated to my bed to sleep some more.
After that night the two of them seemed to realize though the amount of stress they put on me and so they stopped fighting over me so much, but I could tell that it was still there. I tried my hardest to please both of them, but that was hard to do. When winter break finally came I was more than happy to go home. I wanted to have a break from the drama of these two friends, but now that the break is almost over I'm worried how they'll act when I go back to school in two days.
I continue the stories of P2 and P3 in my next blog. It should be much easier to explain them because not much has come from them, and they haven't exactly lasted that long -- especially P3.
So, like I mentioned in an earlier post, the week B3 broke up with me my brain decided to try and cope by crushing on a new boy. I think my brain picked him because he seemed like he had the most in common with me and at first his physical attributes really attracted me.
P1 is about 6ft 2in (I think) and pretty fit (meaning no six pack, but no man boobs or beer belly). He was also pretty athletic and always seemed to be happy and smiling. He is incredibly smart which is no surprise considering he is majoring in math. I honestly believe that even if my brain weren't trying to find someone to replace B3, I might have developed a crush on P1 anyway.
My friend Kitten thought that it would be good for me to crush on a boy to forget about B3 and so she tried to get me and P1 together as much as possible. Every night the three of us would play games together and I would flirt a lot. We had a lot of fun playing games and just talking that after a while we grew pretty close.
One day, P1 decided to go into a room with another friend of mine, Gossip. Gossip was of course known for gossiping a lot, and Kitten didn't really like him all that much. She believe that he was pretty mean and she really didn't like that P1 went off into another room to talk to him. For the next couple of days her trust in P1 started getting worse and worse, and the two of them started arguing. I ended up being in the middle of a lot of the arguments because I was friends with both of them, but it wasn't that bad.
One evening when Kitten went to bed earlier than P1 and me the two of us stayed up talking. P1 started venting to me a little but about his frustrations with Kitten, and I decided to just ask him if he liked her. He didn't really want to answer, but I could tell that he did. He had been flirting with her a lot in the recent days, and one night when we all had a "sleep over" out in one of the big rooms he kept trying to get her to cuddle with him. After a little bit of cajoling, I was finally able to get him to admit that he liked her. He was incredible confused as to why she had suddenly started hanging out with him when the previous year she had basically ignored him. I informed him that it was kind of my fault. I admitted I had a crush on him (I told him I used to, but that it was gone by this point). He didn't really respond to this at the time but from that point on he tried to use me as a go between with him and Kitten.
The two of them kept fighting on and off for another week and P1 was incredibly frustrated. By this time I started to notice just how emotional he was. He had been hurt pretty severely by his previous girl friends, and his family history wasn't pleasant either. Anyone could tell that he was unstable and it seemed to get even worse now that he had a girl to go after.
After one particularly bad argument with Kitten, P1 ran off in a huff. Kitten didn't seem to upset by it, just incredibly confused and it was rather late by this time so she went to bed. I went upstairs to comfort P1 and he asked me point blank whether Kitten liked him. The day before I had asked that same question of Kitten and she had told me no. Not to mention that she had just gotten out of a relationship of two years and didn't feel ready to date yet. I told P1 this information and he seemed pretty upset, but not as unstable as he had seemed before. I then asked him if I was allowed to tell Kitten that he had liked her, and he said he would prefer me not to, but if it helped then I was more than welcome to.
The next day I tried to calm Kitten down a bit with her confusion and make her realize that he liked her, and finally when she just wouldn't believe me I told her the truth. That he had told me the week prior that he has liked her for a year. In that moment she changed her opinion and told me that she actually did like him like that, it was just that she didn't have as much of a physical attraction that she had had with previous boyfriends.
I felt bad after that conversation and so went back to tell P1 that I had screwed up and that there was still a chance for him. I showed him the entire conversation I'd had with her (it was a Facebook conversation), but in the chat I admitted that I still liked him. He read the whole thing but didn't seem to react to it much. Instead when it was done he just hurried up downstairs to talk to Kitten and smooth things over.
I stayed up later that night hoping that they would come up and fill me in, but by the time it hit 3am I figured it was just better to go to bed. The next day P1 had a D&D game to go to in a different city, so he wasn't around. I heard from Kitten that the conversation between the two of them had gone pretty smoothly and that they were once again on friendly terms. She also told me that he wanted to talk to me when he got back. I didn't really want to talk to him, but both him and Kitten insisted.
Kitten caught me upset that night when I was in my room and told P1 about it. He decided he couldn't wait to tell me exactly how he felt about me until he got back. He decided to tell me over Facebook that he really wasn't interested in me like that. That he thought I was a good friend and didn't think I could ever be anything more with him. I was upset because I still liked him, but I accepted it.
For the next 3 weeks Kitten and P1 flirted constantly but said that they weren't a couple. It took a lot of effort to get them to admit that they were actually dating. Finally after a long weekend they agreed that they were dating. It took another 3 weeks to get them to admit that they were a couple. The person holding back on all of the titles the whole time was Kitten because she didn't want other people to judge her as jumping into a new relationship so fast. Even with this every person in the dorm knew it was rebound. Everyone knows exactly how Kitten acts and that there would be no actual possibility of survival with this couple. Both Kitten and P1 knew everyone's opinions on this, but that didn't stop them from trying.
When they finally started dating it started getting more and more awkward for me. I was (and am) not over B3 yet and so it was difficult to be the only other person in the room with them when they started cuddling, or on the rare occasion sneaking a kiss when I looked away. They didn't realize that I could hear their kisses and that it was still just as awkward.
Their relationship was rocky even before it started. These two were just not built for each other. P1 was incredibly emotional, but Kitten was closed off. Where P1 wanted to talk about their problems, Kitten wanted to just ignore them and let them disappear. This caused so many conflicts between the two of them that it seemed to me that they were almost always upset. To them though, the very few good days that they had together trumped all bad ones. They just wouldn't admit that they were not good for each other.
Two weeks before winter break, the inevitable happened. Kitten grew so frustrated with P1 that she was literally having small panic attacks. She was super sick for about a month, and when she finally went to the doctor they prescribed her with 3 different antibiotics and a couple of nose sprays for a sinus infection. She was so stressed during this time and P1 just kept making it worse. She finally snapped (after quite a bit of fighting) and said that she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She didn't say the words "I am breaking up with you" though, so P1 just assumed that she was upset and that they were still a couple. I would tell him that they were through, but he wouldn't listen to me. Instead he kept pestering her trying to talk to her some more. By this point she was trying as hard as she could to avoid him and ignore him.
P1 was an emotional wreck during this time. Sometimes he would stay up late at night just bawling down in the basement and I would try and comfort him. I hated this so much because no matter what I did he wouldn't accept it because I wasn't the right girl. Every single time I tried to help him he said he just didn't care. He needed Kitten to be the one to say everything that I was saying to him. One night I even dragged Kitten downstairs and fed her lines to say to him, and all of the sudden he stopped crying and was much better. It hurt me so much knowing that even though I really cared for him I could do absolutely nothing to help him, but I couldn't stop trying.
When I finally got Kitten to tell P1 point blank that they were no longer a couple things just got even worse for me. Both of them started to avoid each other, and I got pulled in between the two of them. Both of them needed my help, but I felt that P1 needed it more because he was the one that wasn't eating anything at all and sleeping all day. I would spend every spare minute I had trying to cajole him into eating or even just talking. I swear, I don't think he showered for an entire week. It was pretty disgusting.
This was also right around the time that we were shopping for Christmas gifts. I was excited because I knew exactly what to get Kitten, and I knew that P1 would be easy to shop for. When I mentioned to P1 that I was excited for what I had gotten Kitten he responded "Omg I'm so sorry, I forgot to get you a present." This hurt a lot because I had thought we were really close and I figured that he would think about me on occasion, but this was proof that he really didn't do that. When I told Kitten about this she got pretty upset and started texting him right away, yelling at him for not thinking about me even though I'd been basically nursing him for the past week. I got more upset because I didn't want her making him more upset, especially if it was on my account, but the message got through anyway.
P1 decided that he needed to go shopping to get Kitten a more appropriate Christmas present and he wanted me to go with him to pick something out. When I went with him though it was right at dinner time, and Kitten got upset because I was once again hanging out with him and not her. She thought that I was abandoning her and that I would soon ditch her like all of her friends back home had done. When P1 found out that she was upset about it he told me to just go back. He didn't want her upset anymore, but I was pissed because she was making me pick between her and P1, so I refused to go back.
Over the next couple of days the anger from the two of them just seemed to increase. P1 still wouldn't really accept my help no matter what I tried, and Kitten was upset that I would spend so much time with P1. It got to a point that no matter what I did I was hurting someone and it made me crazy. This also happened to be on a day when I had a final that I thought I had failed. That final was worth 30% of my grade so I was sure that I had failed that test. By the end of the day I was a mess. I could hardly keep it together, but I told myself I had to so that I could help Kitten and P1. The sad part is, is that I couldn't keep it together.
That night I had decided to hang out with Kitten until midnight, and then pretend to go to bed. When I "went to bed" what I really did was change into pj's and then sneak up the back stairs to P1s room to play video games with him. When he went downstairs to grab games and some water he started talking to Kitten. Kitten started to vent to him that she was upset because I wasn't spending enough time with her and that she thought that she was being left out. P1 felt the need to play peacemaker now and come upstairs and tell me what she had said. That just about ruined it for me and I started to tear up. I HATE crying in front of people so I quickly started heading back to my own room. He had to go talk to Kitten again anyway, but he texted me a little while later and asked if I was ok. I said I wasn't, and we both ended up going to the basement to talk. I tried to keep it together the best I could, but in the end I broke down. P1 just didn't know what to do, so he went upstairs and grabbed Kitten to come downstairs and talk to me. As soon as she saw me she went into mother mode. She talked to me and eventually it got better. The three of us started having a decent conversation -- the best one in weeks -- and it seemed like we were finally starting to mend.
After a couple of hours being happy together I asked if it would be ok if I went to bed. The two of them seemed like they were going to be up a while longer, but I was super tired after having such an emotional day and I needed to sleep. I also didn't want to just leave them though because I wasn't sure they could handle each other alone at the moment. Kitten told me I could go, and eventually with some prodding P1 told me to go to bed as well.
When I left though, P1 just couldn't hold his questions in any longer. He started asking Kitten difficult questions that she didn't know the answers to. She started getting flustered and frustrated again, and P1 ended up crying. He texted me even though he knew I was going to sleep and that text messages would wake me up that he was upset and needed help. When I woke up and read the text I grabbed my blankets and pillows and went downstairs to comfort him. By this time it was about 7am, and it took about a half an hour to calm him down enough to start breathing normally again. I didn't want to leave him though, so I asked him to study his homework in the room while I curled up in a corner and went to sleep. Kitten had left while P1 was crying, and so P1 agreed to do it. He had recently started doing some of the things I asked because he knew it frustrated me to know end that I never seemed to actually be able to help him. So he studied for his math test later that day and I slept in a corner. At about 9am he got up and decided he was done studying and that he needed some sleep. When he got up and said my name I was instantly awake even though I had been hard asleep before, and so I relocated to my bed to sleep some more.
After that night the two of them seemed to realize though the amount of stress they put on me and so they stopped fighting over me so much, but I could tell that it was still there. I tried my hardest to please both of them, but that was hard to do. When winter break finally came I was more than happy to go home. I wanted to have a break from the drama of these two friends, but now that the break is almost over I'm worried how they'll act when I go back to school in two days.
I continue the stories of P2 and P3 in my next blog. It should be much easier to explain them because not much has come from them, and they haven't exactly lasted that long -- especially P3.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Broken Hearted History Part 4
Once again I couldn't sleep so instead I'll continue writing.
That last weekend I spent with B3 before he broke up with me was rather strange. I remember feeling the whole time like something wasn't right. It wasn't exactly that we were fighting, but it seemed like the general attitude that B3 had towards me had changed, but I couldn't be sure because it seemed like he would be weird one moment and then sweet the next. At the end of the weekend right before I left he even offered me his shirt. That moment is the moment that confused me the most. I couldn't understand why he would offer me his shirt to take if he had intended to break up with me. The simple answer is this: he didn't intend to break up with me.
When I was busy driving home, B3 was busy contemplating everything that had gone on that weekend and his feelings towards me. He too had thought that things were strange, and the conclusion he drew after about a day's thinking on it was that he simply didn't love me the way he once did. He felt that the long distance of our relationship had made a gap grow between the two of us. Our break up conversation goes as follows:
That last weekend I spent with B3 before he broke up with me was rather strange. I remember feeling the whole time like something wasn't right. It wasn't exactly that we were fighting, but it seemed like the general attitude that B3 had towards me had changed, but I couldn't be sure because it seemed like he would be weird one moment and then sweet the next. At the end of the weekend right before I left he even offered me his shirt. That moment is the moment that confused me the most. I couldn't understand why he would offer me his shirt to take if he had intended to break up with me. The simple answer is this: he didn't intend to break up with me.
When I was busy driving home, B3 was busy contemplating everything that had gone on that weekend and his feelings towards me. He too had thought that things were strange, and the conclusion he drew after about a day's thinking on it was that he simply didn't love me the way he once did. He felt that the long distance of our relationship had made a gap grow between the two of us. Our break up conversation goes as follows:
Jabber IM with B3h <-1353520356@chat.facebook.com>9/20/10 11:59 PM
B3: hey
Me: Hi
Me: Decided not to sleep?
B3: no i can't
Me: Oh, I'm sorry
9/21/10
B3: yeah well we need to talk...
Me: mmkay
Me: go for it
Me: btw... I am really sorry I got clingy
Me: I thought about that later
Me: I was being dumb
B3: no it isn't clingy
B3: i am not sure long distance can work for us....
Me: why?
B3: because it isn't working for us right now
Me: we haven't fought since last Tuesday...
B3: you are more my friend that visits commonly than a gf it feels like
B3: it isn't fights
Me: Oh
Me: You don't feel the same way about me that you did before
B3: to be completely honest yesh
Me: ok
Me: Did you just discover this this weekend
B3: i want you to understand that i still stand by what i say i love you
Me: or was it before that
B3: but as a friend
B3: i would not have had u come if i had discovered it before then
B3: that would have been a waste of money
Me: Is that why you didn't go further?
B3: patially
B3: and i felt like when u were here u were just a girl that i was doing things with
B3: i feel like the distance has caused us to grow apart
Me: so you really don't like me like that anymore
B3: and that has cut the gf/bf part out of our relationship
Me: Just so you know, it's not an us thing
Me: it's a you thing
Me: I still like you that way
Me: but I don't want to be in a relationship unless the feeling is mutual
B3: yeah that is what i am saying
B3: i feel like this is what has happened
B3: at least for me
Me: mmaky
Me: I"m sorry
Me: I'm going to miss you
B3: well no i still want to talk
B3: i understand if it may take you some time...
Me: you won't talk nearly as much
Me: and there are now topics that can't be discussed
Me: you have no obligation to talk to me
B3: no i will talk as often as u want
Me: and as a friend i have an obligation as i always have
B3: i just don't feel like we are a couple anymore it is my brain and it is my fault/distances fault for it
B3: i would still love to hang and go to shows as friends
Me: Now all visits are gone
Me: you'll never see Willamette
B3: no i may come see it
B3: but not as a bf and when i can pay for it...
B3: omg i hate this because i know you are crying
Me: you don't know that...
B3: and i still care for you sooo much
B3: idk i also feel like our relationship has devolved into sex
Me: I felt like that last week
Me: which is why I was trying to talk to you about that
B3: i know but i feel like we have lost things in common
B3: we don't have anything to talk about except for school that day and sex things
Me: we have everything in common
Me: it's that we know eachother too much
B3: we can't talk about our like of musturd...
Me: lol
B3: i mean everyday things
B3: we have lost them
Me: ok
B3: omg i fucking hate this
B3: this is nothing like i have ever had to deal with before...
Me: I'm sorry
B3: because i still like you but i feel like the distance had killed the romance persay
Me: that's kind of what distance does
Me: the people that work through it have to try to find other means of romance
Me: my friend has done it for two years
B3: yeah and i am a person the relies on romance so i can't handle it personally
B3: i know but i don't have the means too
B3: i have romantic things planned but they don't work money wise
Me: I don't care about money
Me: I haven't ever cared about that
Me: you know that
Me: I dislike when you pay for stuff
B3: i know
B3: but i am saying that i don't know how to be romantic without money
Me: I think that you just talking to me is romantic
Me: a postcard in the mail is romantic
Me: you calling me boo is romatic
B3: yeah well it isn't romantic for me
B3: none of that is
Me: did you want me to be more romantic towards you?
B3: i am saying for me it just wasn't working
B3: idk what it was exactly
B3: i think it was a combination of several things
B3: and i truly hope this will be a good break up i know a lot of them get messy but i want you to know that i am still your close friend that you can run anything by whether it be bf probs down to piddly shit that you go through every day
Me: I"m the same for you
Me: ok
Me: I don't intend for this to be a mean breakup
Me: not at all
B3: ok well i would hope not...my last one was and i hated it i honestly wish we still talked
B3: but you know how that goes
B3: or went i mean
Me: yeah
B3: i am not sure whether you know this but i still talk to every ex and all of them have talked to me about bf's at some point
Me: yes you've told me about that
B3: so don't feel awkward to ask even if u want ot pick a guy up i will help
Me: I wouldn't do that
B3: i know you are too proper and think it is mean or bad
Me: No
Me: I just wouldn't do it
B3: but i want you to know that if u want to everything up to that is welcome jut don't mention sex life...
Me: I wouldn't
B3: lol i know you wouldn't i am just joking
B3: technically neither of us have a sex life...
Me: jokes don't really work right now...
B3: i am sorry that is how i handle hard situations
B3: i will let you alone and won't bug you until u feel comfortable talking to me again
Me: no
Me: I'm fine talking to you
B3: just know i am here for you and i am sorry for causing you pain and that i truly care about your well being
B3: ok
Me: ok
B3: well i am going to go lay in bed and cry myself for a little
Me: ok
B3: i just can't live a lie
Me: I understand
Me: and I'm glad you aren't
B3: ok ttyl maybe tomorrow
Me: ok
Me: Good Night
It seems like to me though that he went back on every single thing that he said in that conversation later on. We had several conversations after that one, and not a single one of them were even close to being as kind hearted as that one was. To this date I haven't had a single conversation with him where I haven't ended up crying afterwards, whats worse is the fact that I also can't stop talking to him. I also can't help but blame myself every single time something goes wrong, even though logically it isn't my fault at all. In this relationship, it wasn't the break up that ruined our friendship, it was the after affects. Looking back on it now though, I'd have to say that it is mostly his fault because he basically lied to me throughout the entire break up. He will never again talk to me as much as I want. He will never go see a movie with me again. He will never visit my school. I know that he doesn't love me anymore even though he said he did. I know all of these things because of where our friendship stands right now.
The very next day (or actually later in the day after we'd slept and fallen asleep) I tried to have a conversation with him. He was pretty short with me and didn't really seem like he wanted to talk, but I desperately needed to hear from him more than ever. He was the one that I felt would be able to keep me from falling to pieces, but instead he just ripped me into smaller bits. Every time I would try to talk to him he'd limit his responses or sometimes not even respond at all. After a while I started to annoy him even more because I kept trying to talk to him and he just wanted me to leave him alone, but he never actually told me this. He expected me to just assume that that would happen even though he'd told me that he would still talk to me as much as I wanted.
I did cause a little bit of a problem with our friendship that week though. There was another boy living in my dorm that had caught my attention. This boy ended up being P1, but I think that my attentions were drawn to him so fast after the break up because my mind was trying to cope. The problem is, is that I felt extremely conflicted in my feelings towards P1 and B3, and I felt that only B3 would be able to help me sort them out. I tried to talk to him the next day about it, but that conversation really didn't go well. I figured that because his main reason for breaking up with me was because he didn't love me, that he wouldn't mind if I started to like another guy, but I needed him to confirm it. He didn't confirm it at all, instead he got super upset because I liked a guy so soon after our break up. To him it felt like because I liked a new guy so soon that none of my feelings in our actual relationship could have been real and that I had lied to him. I hurt him so much in that conversation and I truly regret it with all of my heart. The sad part is, is that that isn't the worst thing I did to him after the break up.
(I honestly don't understand. If he broke up with me because he didn't love me anymore, why would it hurt him if I liked another boy? It seems to me that even his reason for breaking up with me was a lie.)
After a few more days of him ignoring me I just couldn't stand it anymore. I started basically yelling at him about how I just want to talk to him but he is always acting like an ass and ditching me or completely ignoring me. He said a couple of things deliberately that he knew would harm me in order to bait me into a larger fight. I responded whole heartedly and ended up insulting him in a way a man should never be insulted. I wounded his pride completely, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that.
After that it was impossible to have a civil conversation. At one point I had decided that since we weren't acting like friends then I should un friend him on Facebook. That turned out to be a bigger problem than I expected. I had also decided that I would send him a message after Halloween weekend in order to inform him of why I un friended him, and to let him know that as soon as he was ready to act like a friend again I would be more than happy to re-friend him. The problem is is that two of our friends met back home and ended up having a small cat fight. I heard one side of the story and B3 heard another. B3 felt that he needed to talk to me, so he sent me a message over Facebook and said we needed to talk. We talked through Skype and he told me that I needed to tell my friends not to slander him. I told him that I defend him to every single one of my friends and I hate it when they say mean things about him, but that he needed to tell his friend not to talk about me badly either. He didn't believe me, but he said "whatever, you unfriended me anyway". That was the time when I informed him that I unfriended him because we didn't act like friends and that I was going to send him a message later on explaining everything. He said "it had better be a pretty damn good message" but told me to send it anyway.
After I sent him the message, things started going smoother between the two of us. He seemed to have forgiven me for insulting him so badly, but that didn't mean that all of our conversations went well. For the next month there was still extreme tension in our chats, and every now and then I could tell that he was baiting me. He kept talking about things that he knew would make me upset or angry, and he just didn't seem to care.
About a week before Thanksgiving though our conversations started to change a little bit. Every now and then he would have a nice, kind chat with me and I would be utterly shocked. Over Thanksgiving break we actually had the longest conversation yet, and through the entire thing he was super nice to me. I didn't know how to handle it, and I could literally feel myself cringing, waiting for the attack to come -- but it never did. When he went back to school though, the cruel chats from him started up again. He purposefully upset me, and then talked about how he loved to just mess with my head. Then two hours later he would talk to me again and be kind. He was so bi-polar that I didn't know what to think about the conversations.
A week before winter vacation I found out why those conversations were so bi-polar. Apparently his roommate liked to help yell at me after our break up, and because B3 was so hurt he would just let him do it. After a while he started to tell his roommate to stop, but his roommate really liked to mess with my head. B3 also gets super involved in his video games and so says yes to basically any question asked of him without even listen to the question. Apparently his roommate would ask him while he was playing video games if he could mess with me, and B3 would just automatically say yes. So for the entire month after Thanksgiving and for some of the conversations before that it was actually his ass of a roommate being a jack ass to me.
Even though I know that it was his roommate, my trust in B3 is still ruined. He LET his roommate mess with me, which is completely wrong, and throughout the whole time I thought it was him being the jerk. I hope someday I will have enough trust in him to be a good friend, but right now I still cringe and cry when I talk to him.
I was supposed to hang out with him over break, but I think I ruined that because of how much of a mess I am when it concerns him. He told me we would hang out, but then he had to cancel because he was getting his wisdom teeth out (a legitimate excuse). I was finally ready to see him in person for the first time since before he had broken up with me, and he canceled on me. I told him that I was upset that I didn't get to see him, but that just caused more problems between the two of us. He told me that if I want to see him, then I should visit WSU and go to a party with him. Honestly, I don't want to do this because I don't want my first experience of him after the break up to be of when he's getting drunk. That just isn't right in my mind.
So, that's about where my problems stand with him right now. I'll write about all my drama with the potentials in the next blog. (Just remember that the drama with the potentials is going on at the exact same time as everything from this blog)
P.S. there are a lot of other problems that occurred between B3 and me that I didn't include in this blog. There are so many that it would be impossible to remember all of them. I just know, that one of the biggest issues was that I would show my friends the conversations I had with him, and they started disliking him. He keeps reiterating the point that he never told anyone anything bad about our break up and doesn't ever talk about me anymore. I've screwed up, and I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts in this blog instead of just telling all of my friends I won't ruin any other friendships.
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