That last weekend I spent with B3 before he broke up with me was rather strange. I remember feeling the whole time like something wasn't right. It wasn't exactly that we were fighting, but it seemed like the general attitude that B3 had towards me had changed, but I couldn't be sure because it seemed like he would be weird one moment and then sweet the next. At the end of the weekend right before I left he even offered me his shirt. That moment is the moment that confused me the most. I couldn't understand why he would offer me his shirt to take if he had intended to break up with me. The simple answer is this: he didn't intend to break up with me.
When I was busy driving home, B3 was busy contemplating everything that had gone on that weekend and his feelings towards me. He too had thought that things were strange, and the conclusion he drew after about a day's thinking on it was that he simply didn't love me the way he once did. He felt that the long distance of our relationship had made a gap grow between the two of us. Our break up conversation goes as follows:
Jabber IM with B3h <-1353520356@chat.facebook.com>9/20/10 11:59 PM
B3: hey
Me: Hi
Me: Decided not to sleep?
B3: no i can't
Me: Oh, I'm sorry
9/21/10
B3: yeah well we need to talk...
Me: mmkay
Me: go for it
Me: btw... I am really sorry I got clingy
Me: I thought about that later
Me: I was being dumb
B3: no it isn't clingy
B3: i am not sure long distance can work for us....
Me: why?
B3: because it isn't working for us right now
Me: we haven't fought since last Tuesday...
B3: you are more my friend that visits commonly than a gf it feels like
B3: it isn't fights
Me: Oh
Me: You don't feel the same way about me that you did before
B3: to be completely honest yesh
Me: ok
Me: Did you just discover this this weekend
B3: i want you to understand that i still stand by what i say i love you
Me: or was it before that
B3: but as a friend
B3: i would not have had u come if i had discovered it before then
B3: that would have been a waste of money
Me: Is that why you didn't go further?
B3: patially
B3: and i felt like when u were here u were just a girl that i was doing things with
B3: i feel like the distance has caused us to grow apart
Me: so you really don't like me like that anymore
B3: and that has cut the gf/bf part out of our relationship
Me: Just so you know, it's not an us thing
Me: it's a you thing
Me: I still like you that way
Me: but I don't want to be in a relationship unless the feeling is mutual
B3: yeah that is what i am saying
B3: i feel like this is what has happened
B3: at least for me
Me: mmaky
Me: I"m sorry
Me: I'm going to miss you
B3: well no i still want to talk
B3: i understand if it may take you some time...
Me: you won't talk nearly as much
Me: and there are now topics that can't be discussed
Me: you have no obligation to talk to me
B3: no i will talk as often as u want
Me: and as a friend i have an obligation as i always have
B3: i just don't feel like we are a couple anymore it is my brain and it is my fault/distances fault for it
B3: i would still love to hang and go to shows as friends
Me: Now all visits are gone
Me: you'll never see Willamette
B3: no i may come see it
B3: but not as a bf and when i can pay for it...
B3: omg i hate this because i know you are crying
Me: you don't know that...
B3: and i still care for you sooo much
B3: idk i also feel like our relationship has devolved into sex
Me: I felt like that last week
Me: which is why I was trying to talk to you about that
B3: i know but i feel like we have lost things in common
B3: we don't have anything to talk about except for school that day and sex things
Me: we have everything in common
Me: it's that we know eachother too much
B3: we can't talk about our like of musturd...
Me: lol
B3: i mean everyday things
B3: we have lost them
Me: ok
B3: omg i fucking hate this
B3: this is nothing like i have ever had to deal with before...
Me: I'm sorry
B3: because i still like you but i feel like the distance had killed the romance persay
Me: that's kind of what distance does
Me: the people that work through it have to try to find other means of romance
Me: my friend has done it for two years
B3: yeah and i am a person the relies on romance so i can't handle it personally
B3: i know but i don't have the means too
B3: i have romantic things planned but they don't work money wise
Me: I don't care about money
Me: I haven't ever cared about that
Me: you know that
Me: I dislike when you pay for stuff
B3: i know
B3: but i am saying that i don't know how to be romantic without money
Me: I think that you just talking to me is romantic
Me: a postcard in the mail is romantic
Me: you calling me boo is romatic
B3: yeah well it isn't romantic for me
B3: none of that is
Me: did you want me to be more romantic towards you?
B3: i am saying for me it just wasn't working
B3: idk what it was exactly
B3: i think it was a combination of several things
B3: and i truly hope this will be a good break up i know a lot of them get messy but i want you to know that i am still your close friend that you can run anything by whether it be bf probs down to piddly shit that you go through every day
Me: I"m the same for you
Me: ok
Me: I don't intend for this to be a mean breakup
Me: not at all
B3: ok well i would hope not...my last one was and i hated it i honestly wish we still talked
B3: but you know how that goes
B3: or went i mean
Me: yeah
B3: i am not sure whether you know this but i still talk to every ex and all of them have talked to me about bf's at some point
Me: yes you've told me about that
B3: so don't feel awkward to ask even if u want ot pick a guy up i will help
Me: I wouldn't do that
B3: i know you are too proper and think it is mean or bad
Me: No
Me: I just wouldn't do it
B3: but i want you to know that if u want to everything up to that is welcome jut don't mention sex life...
Me: I wouldn't
B3: lol i know you wouldn't i am just joking
B3: technically neither of us have a sex life...
Me: jokes don't really work right now...
B3: i am sorry that is how i handle hard situations
B3: i will let you alone and won't bug you until u feel comfortable talking to me again
Me: no
Me: I'm fine talking to you
B3: just know i am here for you and i am sorry for causing you pain and that i truly care about your well being
B3: ok
Me: ok
B3: well i am going to go lay in bed and cry myself for a little
Me: ok
B3: i just can't live a lie
Me: I understand
Me: and I'm glad you aren't
B3: ok ttyl maybe tomorrow
Me: ok
Me: Good Night
It seems like to me though that he went back on every single thing that he said in that conversation later on. We had several conversations after that one, and not a single one of them were even close to being as kind hearted as that one was. To this date I haven't had a single conversation with him where I haven't ended up crying afterwards, whats worse is the fact that I also can't stop talking to him. I also can't help but blame myself every single time something goes wrong, even though logically it isn't my fault at all. In this relationship, it wasn't the break up that ruined our friendship, it was the after affects. Looking back on it now though, I'd have to say that it is mostly his fault because he basically lied to me throughout the entire break up. He will never again talk to me as much as I want. He will never go see a movie with me again. He will never visit my school. I know that he doesn't love me anymore even though he said he did. I know all of these things because of where our friendship stands right now.
The very next day (or actually later in the day after we'd slept and fallen asleep) I tried to have a conversation with him. He was pretty short with me and didn't really seem like he wanted to talk, but I desperately needed to hear from him more than ever. He was the one that I felt would be able to keep me from falling to pieces, but instead he just ripped me into smaller bits. Every time I would try to talk to him he'd limit his responses or sometimes not even respond at all. After a while I started to annoy him even more because I kept trying to talk to him and he just wanted me to leave him alone, but he never actually told me this. He expected me to just assume that that would happen even though he'd told me that he would still talk to me as much as I wanted.
I did cause a little bit of a problem with our friendship that week though. There was another boy living in my dorm that had caught my attention. This boy ended up being P1, but I think that my attentions were drawn to him so fast after the break up because my mind was trying to cope. The problem is, is that I felt extremely conflicted in my feelings towards P1 and B3, and I felt that only B3 would be able to help me sort them out. I tried to talk to him the next day about it, but that conversation really didn't go well. I figured that because his main reason for breaking up with me was because he didn't love me, that he wouldn't mind if I started to like another guy, but I needed him to confirm it. He didn't confirm it at all, instead he got super upset because I liked a guy so soon after our break up. To him it felt like because I liked a new guy so soon that none of my feelings in our actual relationship could have been real and that I had lied to him. I hurt him so much in that conversation and I truly regret it with all of my heart. The sad part is, is that that isn't the worst thing I did to him after the break up.
(I honestly don't understand. If he broke up with me because he didn't love me anymore, why would it hurt him if I liked another boy? It seems to me that even his reason for breaking up with me was a lie.)
After a few more days of him ignoring me I just couldn't stand it anymore. I started basically yelling at him about how I just want to talk to him but he is always acting like an ass and ditching me or completely ignoring me. He said a couple of things deliberately that he knew would harm me in order to bait me into a larger fight. I responded whole heartedly and ended up insulting him in a way a man should never be insulted. I wounded his pride completely, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that.
After that it was impossible to have a civil conversation. At one point I had decided that since we weren't acting like friends then I should un friend him on Facebook. That turned out to be a bigger problem than I expected. I had also decided that I would send him a message after Halloween weekend in order to inform him of why I un friended him, and to let him know that as soon as he was ready to act like a friend again I would be more than happy to re-friend him. The problem is is that two of our friends met back home and ended up having a small cat fight. I heard one side of the story and B3 heard another. B3 felt that he needed to talk to me, so he sent me a message over Facebook and said we needed to talk. We talked through Skype and he told me that I needed to tell my friends not to slander him. I told him that I defend him to every single one of my friends and I hate it when they say mean things about him, but that he needed to tell his friend not to talk about me badly either. He didn't believe me, but he said "whatever, you unfriended me anyway". That was the time when I informed him that I unfriended him because we didn't act like friends and that I was going to send him a message later on explaining everything. He said "it had better be a pretty damn good message" but told me to send it anyway.
After I sent him the message, things started going smoother between the two of us. He seemed to have forgiven me for insulting him so badly, but that didn't mean that all of our conversations went well. For the next month there was still extreme tension in our chats, and every now and then I could tell that he was baiting me. He kept talking about things that he knew would make me upset or angry, and he just didn't seem to care.
About a week before Thanksgiving though our conversations started to change a little bit. Every now and then he would have a nice, kind chat with me and I would be utterly shocked. Over Thanksgiving break we actually had the longest conversation yet, and through the entire thing he was super nice to me. I didn't know how to handle it, and I could literally feel myself cringing, waiting for the attack to come -- but it never did. When he went back to school though, the cruel chats from him started up again. He purposefully upset me, and then talked about how he loved to just mess with my head. Then two hours later he would talk to me again and be kind. He was so bi-polar that I didn't know what to think about the conversations.
A week before winter vacation I found out why those conversations were so bi-polar. Apparently his roommate liked to help yell at me after our break up, and because B3 was so hurt he would just let him do it. After a while he started to tell his roommate to stop, but his roommate really liked to mess with my head. B3 also gets super involved in his video games and so says yes to basically any question asked of him without even listen to the question. Apparently his roommate would ask him while he was playing video games if he could mess with me, and B3 would just automatically say yes. So for the entire month after Thanksgiving and for some of the conversations before that it was actually his ass of a roommate being a jack ass to me.
Even though I know that it was his roommate, my trust in B3 is still ruined. He LET his roommate mess with me, which is completely wrong, and throughout the whole time I thought it was him being the jerk. I hope someday I will have enough trust in him to be a good friend, but right now I still cringe and cry when I talk to him.
I was supposed to hang out with him over break, but I think I ruined that because of how much of a mess I am when it concerns him. He told me we would hang out, but then he had to cancel because he was getting his wisdom teeth out (a legitimate excuse). I was finally ready to see him in person for the first time since before he had broken up with me, and he canceled on me. I told him that I was upset that I didn't get to see him, but that just caused more problems between the two of us. He told me that if I want to see him, then I should visit WSU and go to a party with him. Honestly, I don't want to do this because I don't want my first experience of him after the break up to be of when he's getting drunk. That just isn't right in my mind.
So, that's about where my problems stand with him right now. I'll write about all my drama with the potentials in the next blog. (Just remember that the drama with the potentials is going on at the exact same time as everything from this blog)
P.S. there are a lot of other problems that occurred between B3 and me that I didn't include in this blog. There are so many that it would be impossible to remember all of them. I just know, that one of the biggest issues was that I would show my friends the conversations I had with him, and they started disliking him. He keeps reiterating the point that he never told anyone anything bad about our break up and doesn't ever talk about me anymore. I've screwed up, and I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts in this blog instead of just telling all of my friends I won't ruin any other friendships.
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