Striking thoughts

In the last couple of days, especially today, I've had moments where I'll think something that'll lead to another idea.

What struck me just now is my thoughts on friends. I've had so many friends over the years, some closer than others, but there are only a few who I can say have been in my life for more than half of it. Actually, all I can think of are two people. Friends come and go, and shift around. Some friends that I was never close to before are now the people I confide in the most. Some friends who I used to confide in all the time are now more distant. It's really strange how friends can be. I love every single one of my friends and I would hate it for anything to happen to them. I also wish that I could be closer to the ones that I've left behind.

I think of myself as an open person, but I honestly don't know if that's the truth. Sure I'll answer any question you give me, but do I always answer with the truth? I say white lies all the time in order to spare people's feelings, and even though that may be for kindness's sake, it's still a lie. I want to change this, but the other night when I finally decided to tell the complete truth to someone even though I knew it would upset them, it caused our friendship to hit another rough patch.

I've  got a long list of things that I hate about myself that I want to change somehow:

1) My weight
2) The amount of lieing I do.
3) My dependance on telling everyone everything about my life.
4) How messy I am all the time. I like clean area's, I'm just too lazy to keep clean normally.
5) How much I care about what other people think of me.
6) My limitations on things that I can do. (This one is actually already in the process of changing)

Those are just the things I'm thinking about right now, but I know that there are thousands more. Right now I especially hate the third one. It's caused me so much pain because I know that it's wrong, but I keep doing it anyway. I can't stop and I really really need to. Not everyone wants or needs to know about my life, and there are some things in my life that I know about that are not my right to tell. I've harmed other people by telling some of my harder stories, and in the process it's harmed my friendships to them.

The good thing is, is that I think I'm working on number 1 and number 6 a lot this week. If you ask B3 about me, he'd probably tell you that I like to crawl into a shell and never emerge from it. We used to have a lot of arguments because there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I was afraid of doing it. The number one thing was working out with him. I didn't want to work out with him because I felt like I'd be embarrassing myself in front of him with how out of shape I am. We argued about this so much because he wanted to work out with me so bad, and I just couldn't do it. This last week changed though. I actually went to the gym with a guy twice. It wasn't that bad either because he went and lifted weights and I ran on the elliptical. I didn't feel like I was being judged at all. I only wish I could have found that confidence when I was still dating B3, it might have saved us a lot of arguments.

Another argument I would have with B3 was about dancing at a party and getting drunk. I was terrified to do these things, but he would try so hard to talk me out of my fear. We almost went to a frat party when I was there last time, but the decided to change at the last minute when they found out that they had to pay $5 to get in and they didn't have the money. I also wouldn't go the free dance that they had at his school on my first visit because I was scared to dance with him. I've never danced with a guy ever. There was one moment when I sort of slow danced with a guy, but it was awkward and we were about 2 feet apart so I don't really think that that counts. Tomorrow that's going to change though. I'm going to go to a frat party and I'm determined to get drunk and dance with at least one guy. I want to have fun, and I want to break myself of this fear. I think I'll be safe because of how many DG girls I'm going with, and I'm pretty sure that they'll take care of me.

The last thing I did that I thought I would never do recently was actually join DG. I never thought that I would be a sorority girl, but here I am now and I'm loving it. It was definitely one of the best decisions I've made.

There is a problem with all of the things I've changed about myself recently. I feel like I'm secretly trying to please B3, because they're all things that we either used to fight about or things that he would push me to try recently. I don't want to do stuff because he tells me to, but I really feel like that's what I'm doing. I think secretly I hope that he'll like me better if I do what he wants me to do, but at the same time I really don't want him back. I know that I could never date him again, and I know that I never would, but I can't stop myself from trying to make him love me still. We have been apart now longer than we were together, and I'm still in love with him. I need this to stop so badly that it's causing me to do stupid things.

I keep thinking about tomorrow night and hoping that I'll find some guy to fool around with, but at the same time I don't want that to happen at all. I'm not that kind of girl that goes for the one night stand, especially when I haven't even done oral yet. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret tomorrow night, but there are so many things that I desperately want to do.

I also have started texting a guy that I told myself I would never text again. I like the kind of satisfaction I get when I find out that pictures of me can make a guy horny. It's bad and dirty, but it makes me feel so self confident and proud that I have felt the need to do it recently. I hate that I have that compulsion, but it is such an empowering feeling that I just can't stop. It drives me nuts though when I don't get a reaction and so sometimes (like tonight) it can be just painstaking.

Going back to the friends topic from earlier I just want to say that I've discovered that I can be a little bit too clingy with some friends. Some friends want their space, but when they try to take it without telling me, I freak out a little bit and start getting upset. I did this to Wits a couple days ago, and I don't know if I've permanently caused a problem in our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I honestly think that the harder I try to keep him as a friend the less likely our friendship will last.

So there, I have two more things to add to my list:

1) Compulsion to do something dirty
2) Clinginess to friends

Maybe I can change these things in time, but for right now I'll continue working on one thing at a time. I just seriously hope that I'm not doing all these things to try and get approval from B3.