I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to continue telling my story.
There were some things I forgot to mention in the last post. The first of which is the fact that B3 was incredibly sweet and romantic all of the time. Giving me a rose when we first started dating was not the only time I got a rose from him. For my birthday he gave me a dozen roses that I let die and then put all of the petals (that still held their shape) into a basket. He also gave me a rose that he had actually grown from his own plant. It was the first rose that had bloomed that year, sadly I forgot it at his house that day and wasn't able to press it like I had done with the first rose. The next rose he gave me was a replacement for the one that I had left at his house. He gave it to me right before he left for college.
One day I intend to make a scrap book of roses where one page will be dedicated to my Grandmother (rose from her funeral), my step-mother (a rose from her garden), and to B3. Roses have a symbolic meaning specifically to me, and even without knowing it B3 stumbled upon it. I love roses because they are love in and of themselves.
Another thing I forgot to mention was that when B3 and I didn't go outside at his house, we ended up inside cuddling on his bed while watching movies. For the first two months when we were inside all we did was watch the movie, completely innocent, but after the second month anniversary we ended up not actually watching the movie so much. It was during those movie sessions that I learned a lot and discovered more about myself.
Now to continue with the story that I was telling before:
After B3 went to college there was a lot of tension between the two of us. The week leading up to him leaving I was extremely clingy and wanted to spend every moment I could with him, but he was the opposite and claimed that we needed to adjust to seeing each other less and less so that it wasn't as big of a shock when we had to go a month without seeing each other. I thought that was a load of BS and said so, but B3 didn't really respond to it that much. He just put his foot down and said that we were only allowed to hang out 3 times in the last week and a half before he left.
The week after we left there was something a little bit off about our relationship but it wasn't entirely too bad. After a while I started to miss him and jokingly suggested that I visit him the following weekend. Well, what started out as a joke ended up becoming an actual idea. I was home alone so I had to make sure that someone else would take care of the animals while I was gone, and I had to figure out how to get to WSU from my home, but I was determined to visit him. Two days before I left though B3 and I had another argument. He really wanted to work out with me but i'm so insecure with my body that I don't feel comfortable working out in front of someone that I actually like. I also have never really lifted weights and he wanted to do that during the work out. Another problem I kept thinking of would be showering afterwards. I didn't want to go up to a different floor in his dorm filled with girls that I don't know to shower. It just sounded super awkward and I simply didn't want to experience that. I told him absolutely no to working out with him and that frustrated the hell out of him. He also wanted me to go to a party with him which is something else I was horribly uncomfortable with. I have never actually danced with a guy, and I don't want my first time to be during a drunk-fest. He didn't understand that but he was more accepting of that than of me saying no to working out with him. By the end of the conversation he had basically told me to just stay home. I was so upset by this that I tried to ignore him the rest of the night, but that didn't work because he was determined to fix our argument. When I got back online for us to talk about it the problem was mostly resolved. I told him I didn't really care whether we played video games all night so long as I was with him.
When I actually visited him more problems seemed to arise. At first it seemed like he was completely ignoring me because he was playing video games the whole time and not even talking to me, so I got frustrated. When he said that he was going to go work out I said "ok, I'll go see my friend then" because I had promised another friend, Loud-Mouth, that I was going to go visit her. He got pissed and just said "fine", so I left and went to visit my friend. I ended up having dinner with her and then afterwards when I called B3 to let me back into his building he said "Not right now, I'm in the middle of a game." I got annoyed and decided to just sneak into his building when someone else opened the door. When I got upstairs he wasn't there and I asked his roommate where he was. Apparently he was just joking and he had gone to let me in.
That night we ended up going to a party that ended up being a dud. The whole time B3's group of friends kept scouting out girls and pointing out their good and bad qualities. Needless to say it didn't do well for my own self confidence and I started to get more upset. After all the guys had decided that the party was dumb and boring they went to play video games at some other guys apartment. On the way there I stopped and mumbled to B3 that I didn't want to play video games anymore. He stopped walking and told me to just tell him what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't really know what to do so he got even more frustrated. He texted his friends to just go on without him and he and I started walking back to his dorm room. He was upset on the walk back and so was I so we got into yet another argument. Thankfully by the time we got back to his dorm the argument was resolved. The rest of the night ended up being a good time. We "watched a movie" and we ended up going to bed around 3 am.
I didn't sleep well that night because of cramped up limbs, but I loved being able to fall asleep cuddling the guy I loved. I also was terrified that I'd fall off of his bunked bed, but that didn't bother me too much with his arms around me. I woke up early the next day though because I couldn't sleep well and we ended up fooling around again even though his roommate was in the room. B3 asked his roommate later if he had heard anything, and thankfully he hadn't. I left around 11am and had a safe trip home.
Due to the fact that I was clingy during the week leading up to B3's departure and that I was unwilling to do the things that he wanted to do with me when I visited him B3 started to become more and more annoyed with me. When B3 becomes annoyed with someone he starts to ignore them. After that I became more and more upset with him because he wasn't talking to me as much as I wanted him too. It all came down to one day when he got so incredibly annoyed that he decided to actually talk to me. We ended up talking pretty late into the night and our argument was resolved. I promised I would trust him more and not be as sarcastic (I get sarcastic when mad) and he promised that he would try and talk to me more.
For a while our relationship was pretty solid. We'd have arguments on occasion, but they were never that bad. The whole time I was busy trying to plan for my next visit. I missed him a lot and so hoped to visit him on the 3 day weekend I had coming up. Sadly I wasn't able to get home in time, so I had to tell him I couldn't visit him that weekend. I ended up having to wait two more weeks after that until the weekend of September 17th to visit him. I took a train home, spent the night at my mom's house, and then headed out the next morning at 10 am to visit him.
I drove about 90 mph on the high way to get there because I was so excited to see him. I had promised him this time that I would exercise with him and go to a party. I had also bought a special outfit that I wanted to wear for him when his roommate wasn't around. When I got there I didn't tell him, instead I snuck into the building like I had before and went up to his room to surprise him. He didn't seem that surprised though because he knew I was coming and had an idea as to when I'd be there. He had intentions of kicking his roommate out when I got there, but that plan failed because his roommate had a friend over and the friend had brought everyone food. So we waited about half an hour until his roommate left before we started having some fun.
When B3's roommate left I quickly lost a lot of my clothing and so did he. We had a lot of pent up passion from not being able to touch each other for the past month. What sucked though was the fact that B3's roommate wasn't entirely done getting all of his stuff from the room. After I had successfully undressed B3 all the way there was a knock at the door and someone demanding to get in. There was a little bit of panic time while B3 searched for his clothes and I pulled the blanket up to cover my body. When he let his roommate in I'm sure that my face was as red as a beet, but thankfully they (his roommate had brought friends) didn't look at me that much. They just talked to B3 casually and looked around the room for the things that they needed to grab. At one point they seemed to be taking up way too much time so B3 started making little coughing sounds to let them know that they were being waaaay awkward. One of the roommates friends got the hint and hurried him out of the room, but the mood had died substantially. We ended up getting it back a little bit, but not nearly as much as it was before. After about a half our more we ended up stopping and he went to take a shower while I changed. He wanted us to go to the gym after that, but I got super worried and stressed and said no. If he had begged a little bit I would have caved, especially since I had put on my exercise clothes expecting him to beg a little, but he never did. Instead, after his shower we watched Avatar the Last Airbender while cuddling on the floor.
I was super tired by this point because I hadn't been getting much sleep recently and the night before I had gotten only about 4 hours, so I tired to fall asleep while cuddled up next to B3, but he ended up getting annoyed. At one point he just stopped the movie and got up and told me to take a nap on the bed while he studied his math for the midterm he had the next week. I was kind of shocked but I went with it anyway. He doesn't know this, but I actually cried a little bit when he told me to nap and turned out the lights. I ended up not being able to sleep, so he decided that we would visit some of his friends. He took me to meet his friends Jack and Rene. They were sleeping though due to a heavy hang over so instead we went to dinner.
When we got back from dinner B3's roommate had returned along with all of his friends (who also happened to be B3's friends). They decided to play video games for the rest of the night until the parties started. I had told B3 that I would go and I knew I couldn't back out of this one. At 9pm the group set out to greek row to see what parties they could get into. They thought it was going to be a byob type party and so didn't actually bring any money for admittance, and when they got there they were told that they had to leave. B3 wanted to just go back to his dorm and grab money and then return to the party, but the rest of the group decided that they would just drink in the room and so B3 went along with that.
Upon returning to the dorm the group headed to the small store that stayed open 24/7 and bought various kinds of soda. I got orange soda to use as a mixer with the rum we were to drink later that night. When we got upstairs to B3's room the guys locked the door and started pouring the drinks. B3 wanted to start me out slow because I had never drunk before and I was afraid so he put about 3/4 of a shot of Captain Morgan's Rum into a glass of orange soda and told me to drink. I quickly downed that so he added another shot and mixed in the rest of my soda. He hadn't expected me to actually get drunk that night, just be able to feel the alcohol affect me a little bit. Funnily enough though, I did get drunk. The room spun and I didn't have good balance. I found lots of things funny, and I even started talking to one of B3's friends. He had gotten on Facebook and had decided to add me as a friend. Later on B3 though I might get hurt if I kept trying to stand so he made me sit on the bed with him. I was tired so instead I just scooted down his body (I was leaning on his chest while sitting in front of him) and resting my head on his upper thigh. I was so tired and started to drift off every now and then, but eventually he had to get up to go to the bathroom. When he left for the bathroom he told me to stay put. I didn't want to listen to everything he said, so I got off the bed and walked into his closet to hide. When he got back he asked the guys in the room where I had gone and they told him (tattle tales). He was really confused as to why I had decided to hide there and as he pulled me out his roommate thought that I had actually gone in there to cry and made it sound like I was pathetic.
After B3 pulled me out of the closet though we decided to go and get some food to quench the drunchies that apparently everyone else had gotten. We went to a small store near by and got tator tots. I was extremely tired by this point and also pretty drunk so I was slurring words and constantly resting my head on B3's shoulder. After we were done eating we decided to go back to the dorm room and I changed into PJ's for bed. B3 made the other guys leave the room and then he curled up in bed with me. Sadly, I have problems sleeping and once again my limbs cramped up and I needed to get up and get ibuprofen. I also ended up drinking some more water before I climbed back into bed. At one point I ended up feeling sick in the night after B3 had fallen asleep and so I sat up and curled up in a corner of the bed against the wall until the nausea went away. It went away in a bit and I was able to curl back up with B3 and fall asleep for a couple more hours.
I had to wake up at 7 the next morning though because I had to leave by 8 (or so I thought) because I had to be back to my moms to catch a train home by 6 that night and I didn't want to risk being late. When I woke up the next morning I had to go to the bathroom, so I quietly snuck out of the room to go upstairs and use the girls bathroom on that floor. When I came back B3 was awake and he scooted over so that I didn't have to crawl over him to get back on the bed. We ended up fooling around for a little bit, but eventually I had to get up and change. B3 stared at me the whole time that I was changing, but I didn't care at all. I actually found it really funny and starting smiling a goofy smile.
When it came time for me to leave I packed up all my stuff and B3 walked me out to my car. My car had a low tire though and so I asked B3 to come with me to fill up the tire and I'd take him to McDonalds too. He agreed and so we headed off to a gas station together. He filled up my tire for me and at McDonalds he bought me a smoothie for breakfast. We actually spent an hour there and I ended up not leaving Pullman until around 10 am. I was definitely running late and so didn't have time to say a nice good bye to B3, but we quickly kissed and he jumped out of my car when I took him back to his dorm.
I had a safe, but long ride home and texted B3 on and off during that time. The very next night he dumped me, on Facebook, at midnight, the day before midterms.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Broken Hearted History Part 2
So to start off where I left off, B3 and I started "going steady" on May 10th, 2010 and lasted for four and a half months (to be exact 4 months and 10 days). I loved him completely, and even though now it's been almost 4 months from our break up I still love him.
Anyway, the first month of our relationship progressed fairly slow. We would hang out every couple of days after school, but B3 was very school oriented and demanded that we do our homework before we actually hung out. He also pushed me to actually do the chores my mom asked of me and to clean my room. One time when he came over to my house he wouldn't go into my room because it was so messy. Needless to say, after that I kept it fairly clean.
Most of the time B3 and I hung out at his house. I loved his house so much. It was pretty tiny, but it was perfect for his family. It was just him and his mom living there and so lots of room wasn't needed. B3's room was pretty small, but it was also super clean. The bed was always made and there was never even a trace of clothing on the floor. He had an HDTV in his room directly across from his bed with an X-Box 360 attached to it. (B3's biggest hobby was playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2) His house also had a small kitchen, living room, bathroom, master bedroom, and an attic. B3 used to sleep in the attic, but after a while he moved down into the the bedroom he had when I dated him. One of the best things about his house was the amount of property that he lived on. It wasn't too much, but it was enough to have a lot of fun on.
When B3 and I hung out at his house we would normally just watch movies or play video games, but the more memorable times I spent with him weren't doing either of those things. Instead we would go outside. There was one time where we went outside to do our homework because it was just a spectacularly sunny day. I loved the feeling of the sun on my face and the quietness of his home. It was also particularly nice because I could lay my head in B3's lap. After a while it became apparent that not much studying was actually going to happen so we decided to just relax. That day was the day that B3 noticed that I really don't like bugs. He had spotted a small centipede on the ground and picked him up to show me. When I scooted away a little bit, he decided it would be fun to start throwing the small bug at me to try and get it to land on me. After a while he tired of this and instead just started tickling me. I started to run away and considering he was much taller than me, I didn't get very far before he caught me. At one point he pinned me to the ground and mercilessly tickled me until I could hardly breathe and then let me up.
Another memorable time I spent at B3's house would be when I took his circular rubix cube and ran away outside with it. B3 followed me and started chasing me down trying to get the rubix cube. I had stolen it because I wanted to try and solve it, but B3 wanted me to do something different so he kept trying to steal the cube from me. Him being basically OCD caused him to have to solve it when he took it from me, which enabled me to grab it from him again. The sad part is that once again he was much stronger and faster than me so he got it back fairly easily. At one point he had chased me behind the small barn and ended up pinning me to the ground and tickling me until I released the rubix cube and then he ran off with it. I wasn't able to get it from him after that, but one time when I got close he decided to chuck it all the way across his field. I took off running as soon as he did that and tried to grab the cube before he got to it, and after skidding on the ground I managed to catch the cube. By this time we were pretty tired of running, so we just laid in the grass next to each other both of us having given up on solving the cube.
The feeling of just laying there next to him made me so incredibly happy. It wasn't the giddy kind of happy either. It was the kind of happiness that comes when you realize that there really isn't anything in your life that's going wrong or anything that bothers you. I felt safe and loved in that moment and I never wanted it to end. For as long as I live, I'll remember exactly how good I felt laying there in the grass.
The third most memorable time I spent and B3's house would be when he taught me how to dirt bike ride. I'd been putting it off because I was slightly afraid of how it would feel to ride a bike and what would happen if I went to fast and got hurt, but eventually I caved to him and let him teach me to ride. He tried to make me wear all of the protective gear, but I refused to wear the breast plate because it was designed for a boy and it just felt awkward on me. Instead he just settled for me wearing the helmet and starting out slow. He explained to me how to make the bike go and stop and how to turn. He even showed me how to switch gears, but I was never good enough to actually go up to a higher gear than 1. There were many times when I was learning how to ride that when I'd stop I'd lose my balance and the bike would fall on top of me and B3 would have to come and pick the bike up off of me. One time he told me that every time that the bike fell on me gas would dump out. After that I was even more careful about dropping the bike because I didn't want to waste any gas. That determination actually ended up being bad for me, because the next time I lost control I accidentally made the bike fall the opposite direction it had been going and in the process my knee scrapped across the pedal. B3 was pretty freaked out after that fall, and when I showed him I had been scratched he went into mother mode. He made me go inside and clean up the wound, and even though I hate bandaids he made me wear one anyway. After that he wouldn't let me ride the bike anymore that day. He promised he would let me on some other occasion, but he never ended up happening and I know there's no possibility of it happening in the future.
Now, from the very beginning (meaning before B3 and I started dating) my friends were very pushy about getting all the details of my time with B3. Hot-Head in particular wanted to know every single little detail and she demanded to have the run down of the day as soon as B3 and I parted. Every time I'd hang out with her too, she'd ask me one particular question: "Has he kissed you yet?". For the first two weeks it was a no, but when I mentioned to B3 that Hot-Head kept pestering me with a question I wouldn't tell him, he just assumed it was about kissing. The next time I hung out with him after that he kissed me when we were saying our good byes. I was so surprised I didn't even know how to react. He was my first kiss and in the moment I didn't kiss him back. The kiss wasn't like the ones you see on the movies, it was just basically a peck on the lips but it was enough to make me shocked and happy. My response though was to just say good bye really fast and duck into my car. It took me two weeks after that to actually kiss him.
The night I kissed him was actually our 1 month anniversary and the day of our graduation. We were on the bus going to the all night party that the graduation people had planned for us, and B3's head was resting in my lap when I decided to just lean over and kiss him. After that first kiss it kind of broke my fear and kissing came easily after that, at least the innocent peck on the lips kind which is all we did at that point in time.
That night on the bus with him was also another one of my favorite memories with him. At one point I fell asleep curled up on his stomach. I remember how safe I felt right then and how happy I was. That was the night that I decided I was in love with him, but I wasn't going to be the first one to say it. I didn't want to scare him away by getting clingy or forcing him to commit even more to me before he was ready.
It took exactly one month more before we actually said "I love you" to each other. On July 10th B3 and I decided to start our day by hanging out at his house. When I showed up I gave him a card I had made for him, and he gave me a teddy bear from Build-a-Bear. The teddy had a WSU T-shirt (that's the school that B3 is currently going to) and a button inside that when hit it would make the sound like a beating heart. I absolutely loved the teddy. I also have no imagination when it comes to names, so the teddy's name became Teddy.
Later on that day, B3 and I took our relationship to the next level and hit second base. When we were taking a break at one point I was laying on top of him thinking about how much I loved him. He knew I was thinking about something and asked what, so I looked up at him and told him that I really liked him. Without missing a beat after that he told me that he loved me. I smiled a goofy smile, and instead of saying "I love you too" like I should have, I said "that's really what I was thinking about". Later on I did say that I loved him, but in that moment I didn't, which is something that sticks out to me.
Our 3 month anniversary also stands out in my memory. It was 4 days before he left for college and we wanted it to be really special. The day started off really early because I had asked him to help me take my family to the airport (they were leaving for Europe and I couldn't come because I had to go to college). Then we went out to breakfast as a treat of my parents. After that we both went home and either slept or did chores in his case. For the actual date he planned everything except for my particular request to go to a drive in movie that night. He picked me up in his little green truck and took me along a road I didn't recognize. When we finally got to our destination I was stunned that I actually knew where we were. He had taken me to Red Robin and we ate dinner there. Afterwards he blindfolded me (much to my protests) and drove me somewhere else. When we reached our destination he told me to keep the blindfold on, but I protested so much that he said "Ok, you can take it off, but you have to keep your eyes closed." I agreed and let him lead me into the store. What he had ended up doing was taking me to See's candies and he told me to pick out a box of chocolates. After that we went to the movie.
I got to be the one to plan all the details of the movie. I chose to go to a double feature of Eclipse and Inception. The reason I had wanted to go to the drive in movie so bad was because I wanted to have as much time as possible with B3 before he left, and the movie went way into the night. I also got to have the chance to lay down and cuddle with him without adult supervision around. That night we hit 2 and a half bases which is as far as we ever got.
When the movie ended it was late and we were both tired. He drove me home, and as we got closer and closer to home I started becoming more and more upset because I wasn't sure I'd see him again before he left for college. I tried as hard as I could not to cry with him still around, and I actually managed it that night. When he kissed me good bye and left I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was home alone so to me I was allowed to cry as much as I needed, and at that moment in time I really needed to cry.
Two days later B3 texted me at about 11 and asked if I wanted to go to the midnight release of Eat, Pray, Love and of course I said yes. It was the day before he was supposed to leave, so I knew it would be my last chance with him for a month at least. During the movie he seemed rather moody and upset with almost everything I did, and when it came time for him to go home I was really upset. This time I couldn't resist crying around him, but he isn't exactly the best comfort in the world. He tried to comfort me, but it really didn't help much. When I went home, I once again balled myself to sleep.
After he went to college would be when our relationship started to fall apart. Long distance relationships are particularly hard, and ours wasn't exempt from that quality. I'll explain exactly how bad the time leading up to the break up, and the after affects of it in my next blog. I think this one is long enough as it is. :)
Anyway, the first month of our relationship progressed fairly slow. We would hang out every couple of days after school, but B3 was very school oriented and demanded that we do our homework before we actually hung out. He also pushed me to actually do the chores my mom asked of me and to clean my room. One time when he came over to my house he wouldn't go into my room because it was so messy. Needless to say, after that I kept it fairly clean.
Most of the time B3 and I hung out at his house. I loved his house so much. It was pretty tiny, but it was perfect for his family. It was just him and his mom living there and so lots of room wasn't needed. B3's room was pretty small, but it was also super clean. The bed was always made and there was never even a trace of clothing on the floor. He had an HDTV in his room directly across from his bed with an X-Box 360 attached to it. (B3's biggest hobby was playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2) His house also had a small kitchen, living room, bathroom, master bedroom, and an attic. B3 used to sleep in the attic, but after a while he moved down into the the bedroom he had when I dated him. One of the best things about his house was the amount of property that he lived on. It wasn't too much, but it was enough to have a lot of fun on.
When B3 and I hung out at his house we would normally just watch movies or play video games, but the more memorable times I spent with him weren't doing either of those things. Instead we would go outside. There was one time where we went outside to do our homework because it was just a spectacularly sunny day. I loved the feeling of the sun on my face and the quietness of his home. It was also particularly nice because I could lay my head in B3's lap. After a while it became apparent that not much studying was actually going to happen so we decided to just relax. That day was the day that B3 noticed that I really don't like bugs. He had spotted a small centipede on the ground and picked him up to show me. When I scooted away a little bit, he decided it would be fun to start throwing the small bug at me to try and get it to land on me. After a while he tired of this and instead just started tickling me. I started to run away and considering he was much taller than me, I didn't get very far before he caught me. At one point he pinned me to the ground and mercilessly tickled me until I could hardly breathe and then let me up.
Another memorable time I spent at B3's house would be when I took his circular rubix cube and ran away outside with it. B3 followed me and started chasing me down trying to get the rubix cube. I had stolen it because I wanted to try and solve it, but B3 wanted me to do something different so he kept trying to steal the cube from me. Him being basically OCD caused him to have to solve it when he took it from me, which enabled me to grab it from him again. The sad part is that once again he was much stronger and faster than me so he got it back fairly easily. At one point he had chased me behind the small barn and ended up pinning me to the ground and tickling me until I released the rubix cube and then he ran off with it. I wasn't able to get it from him after that, but one time when I got close he decided to chuck it all the way across his field. I took off running as soon as he did that and tried to grab the cube before he got to it, and after skidding on the ground I managed to catch the cube. By this time we were pretty tired of running, so we just laid in the grass next to each other both of us having given up on solving the cube.
The feeling of just laying there next to him made me so incredibly happy. It wasn't the giddy kind of happy either. It was the kind of happiness that comes when you realize that there really isn't anything in your life that's going wrong or anything that bothers you. I felt safe and loved in that moment and I never wanted it to end. For as long as I live, I'll remember exactly how good I felt laying there in the grass.
The third most memorable time I spent and B3's house would be when he taught me how to dirt bike ride. I'd been putting it off because I was slightly afraid of how it would feel to ride a bike and what would happen if I went to fast and got hurt, but eventually I caved to him and let him teach me to ride. He tried to make me wear all of the protective gear, but I refused to wear the breast plate because it was designed for a boy and it just felt awkward on me. Instead he just settled for me wearing the helmet and starting out slow. He explained to me how to make the bike go and stop and how to turn. He even showed me how to switch gears, but I was never good enough to actually go up to a higher gear than 1. There were many times when I was learning how to ride that when I'd stop I'd lose my balance and the bike would fall on top of me and B3 would have to come and pick the bike up off of me. One time he told me that every time that the bike fell on me gas would dump out. After that I was even more careful about dropping the bike because I didn't want to waste any gas. That determination actually ended up being bad for me, because the next time I lost control I accidentally made the bike fall the opposite direction it had been going and in the process my knee scrapped across the pedal. B3 was pretty freaked out after that fall, and when I showed him I had been scratched he went into mother mode. He made me go inside and clean up the wound, and even though I hate bandaids he made me wear one anyway. After that he wouldn't let me ride the bike anymore that day. He promised he would let me on some other occasion, but he never ended up happening and I know there's no possibility of it happening in the future.
Now, from the very beginning (meaning before B3 and I started dating) my friends were very pushy about getting all the details of my time with B3. Hot-Head in particular wanted to know every single little detail and she demanded to have the run down of the day as soon as B3 and I parted. Every time I'd hang out with her too, she'd ask me one particular question: "Has he kissed you yet?". For the first two weeks it was a no, but when I mentioned to B3 that Hot-Head kept pestering me with a question I wouldn't tell him, he just assumed it was about kissing. The next time I hung out with him after that he kissed me when we were saying our good byes. I was so surprised I didn't even know how to react. He was my first kiss and in the moment I didn't kiss him back. The kiss wasn't like the ones you see on the movies, it was just basically a peck on the lips but it was enough to make me shocked and happy. My response though was to just say good bye really fast and duck into my car. It took me two weeks after that to actually kiss him.
The night I kissed him was actually our 1 month anniversary and the day of our graduation. We were on the bus going to the all night party that the graduation people had planned for us, and B3's head was resting in my lap when I decided to just lean over and kiss him. After that first kiss it kind of broke my fear and kissing came easily after that, at least the innocent peck on the lips kind which is all we did at that point in time.
That night on the bus with him was also another one of my favorite memories with him. At one point I fell asleep curled up on his stomach. I remember how safe I felt right then and how happy I was. That was the night that I decided I was in love with him, but I wasn't going to be the first one to say it. I didn't want to scare him away by getting clingy or forcing him to commit even more to me before he was ready.
It took exactly one month more before we actually said "I love you" to each other. On July 10th B3 and I decided to start our day by hanging out at his house. When I showed up I gave him a card I had made for him, and he gave me a teddy bear from Build-a-Bear. The teddy had a WSU T-shirt (that's the school that B3 is currently going to) and a button inside that when hit it would make the sound like a beating heart. I absolutely loved the teddy. I also have no imagination when it comes to names, so the teddy's name became Teddy.
Later on that day, B3 and I took our relationship to the next level and hit second base. When we were taking a break at one point I was laying on top of him thinking about how much I loved him. He knew I was thinking about something and asked what, so I looked up at him and told him that I really liked him. Without missing a beat after that he told me that he loved me. I smiled a goofy smile, and instead of saying "I love you too" like I should have, I said "that's really what I was thinking about". Later on I did say that I loved him, but in that moment I didn't, which is something that sticks out to me.
Our 3 month anniversary also stands out in my memory. It was 4 days before he left for college and we wanted it to be really special. The day started off really early because I had asked him to help me take my family to the airport (they were leaving for Europe and I couldn't come because I had to go to college). Then we went out to breakfast as a treat of my parents. After that we both went home and either slept or did chores in his case. For the actual date he planned everything except for my particular request to go to a drive in movie that night. He picked me up in his little green truck and took me along a road I didn't recognize. When we finally got to our destination I was stunned that I actually knew where we were. He had taken me to Red Robin and we ate dinner there. Afterwards he blindfolded me (much to my protests) and drove me somewhere else. When we reached our destination he told me to keep the blindfold on, but I protested so much that he said "Ok, you can take it off, but you have to keep your eyes closed." I agreed and let him lead me into the store. What he had ended up doing was taking me to See's candies and he told me to pick out a box of chocolates. After that we went to the movie.
I got to be the one to plan all the details of the movie. I chose to go to a double feature of Eclipse and Inception. The reason I had wanted to go to the drive in movie so bad was because I wanted to have as much time as possible with B3 before he left, and the movie went way into the night. I also got to have the chance to lay down and cuddle with him without adult supervision around. That night we hit 2 and a half bases which is as far as we ever got.
When the movie ended it was late and we were both tired. He drove me home, and as we got closer and closer to home I started becoming more and more upset because I wasn't sure I'd see him again before he left for college. I tried as hard as I could not to cry with him still around, and I actually managed it that night. When he kissed me good bye and left I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was home alone so to me I was allowed to cry as much as I needed, and at that moment in time I really needed to cry.
Two days later B3 texted me at about 11 and asked if I wanted to go to the midnight release of Eat, Pray, Love and of course I said yes. It was the day before he was supposed to leave, so I knew it would be my last chance with him for a month at least. During the movie he seemed rather moody and upset with almost everything I did, and when it came time for him to go home I was really upset. This time I couldn't resist crying around him, but he isn't exactly the best comfort in the world. He tried to comfort me, but it really didn't help much. When I went home, I once again balled myself to sleep.
After he went to college would be when our relationship started to fall apart. Long distance relationships are particularly hard, and ours wasn't exempt from that quality. I'll explain exactly how bad the time leading up to the break up, and the after affects of it in my next blog. I think this one is long enough as it is. :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Broken Hearted History
So if you haven't guessed, this is the section where I'm going to tell you all about my past love-life drama. For the sake of keeping everything private though, boy friends will be labeled as B1 or B2 etc. and potential boyfriends/crushes will be labeled as P1 or P2 etc. My friends I will just give nicknames to.
So the story of my love life starts about four years ago exactly. It was my freshman year and I had decided that I wanted to take drama instead of PE. I'd always rather enjoyed acting and so I figured that drama would be a fun relaxing class as apposed to all the honors classes I was taking. For the first couple of month I enjoyed just playing around with my friend Hot-Head, but then we started to actually talk to some of the other students in the class.
There was one particular boy I took an interest in. He was taller than me and really funny. He had a bit of an acne problem (like most 14 year old guys) and he wasn't the brightest person on the planet, but that didn't bother me at all. I mostly liked how sweet he acted towards me and how he managed to make me smile all the time. Needless to say I developed a crush.
After some time and some prodding from Hot-Head, it became apparent that this boy liked me just as much as I liked him and then became B1. For a while we were pretty good together, and since he was my first boy I had no clue how to act. I'm pretty sure that I got quite clingy for a time and pretty much chased him off. It only took 3 weeks to do so as well.
When he broke up with me I was really upset and cried for a long time. The next day I handed him a letter I had written the night before and then ran off. From that point forward I avoided B1 like the plague. I saw him about a month ago, and I still didn't say hi. Right now though, I don't avoid him because he hurt me, I avoid him because I'm embarrassed. Hot-Head likes to remind me often of how B1 looked like a penguin when he walked. He definitely had a bit of a waddle.
After B1 broke up with me I was in the rebound stage, and a boy in my Algebra 2 class really liked to flirt with me.
This new boy was also taller than me, and he seemed to have an even bigger problem with acne. I also seem to recall he smelled kind of... stale, like he didn't bathe enough. I am definitely embarrassed to say now, that he ended up becoming B2.
B2 and I lasted what remained of the school year and the duration of the summer (although over the summer we didn't see much of each other because neither one of us could drive). At the end of the summer I used the excuse of my Step-Mom dieing (I really did love her, just not proud of this excuse) to break up with him. I had two classes with him the next year and in one of them he was the only person I knew (we were the only two sophomores in the class) so needless to say that class was quite awkward.
For almost 3 years after that I never had a huge interest in any boy in particular. Sure there were the occasional crushes on boys that were kind or cute, but nothing strong enough to make me want to date them. At least not until two months before graduation. Actually, it was the week before prom that I discovered my attraction towards one of my fellow classmates.
The story of this boy and me is a rather funny one. See, we had been on the same Speech and Debate team for 3 years, and we'd sat next to each other in physics class all year. I think what changed is the fact that he broke up with his girl friend of 1 year in January of that year. A couple months later and he was willing to date again, and I was starting to notice all the great things about him.
So the physical description comes first: He was about 6ft tall (compared to my 5ft 4 inches) with short black hair. He was physically fit, but didn't have a six pack. (Due to the fact that he didn't have a six-pack though, he would often complain about how fat he was.) He had blue eyes and a quirky smile that I loved.
He had one of the most caring personalities that I have ever seen anyone have. He was always up-beat and happy, and he always made me laugh. During class he was always willing to help me with a problem, but he also knew when to have fun. He tried to make me relax a lot about getting everything right, but at the same time he had a better work ethic than me when it came to school work. To me, he seemed perfect at the time.
There was a big problem with actually trying to date him though, he didn't seem interested in me at all. The couple of weeks leading up to Prom he would ask my opinion on the various girls he should ask to prom. In the end he decided to ask a Junior that he knew didn't like him, and surprisingly she said yes.
He also asked me to help him help a friend ask Hot-Head to Prom. I spent a lot of time planning with him in the weeks leading up to Prom, and eventually it paid off. My friend was incredibly happy to have a boy go to Prom with her.
Sadly I ended up going to Prom date-less, but I still decided I wanted to have fun anyway. My friends and I decided to drive to the dance together, and then afterwards to out to eat and maybe to a scavenger hunt if we could make out. The problem with this was that we weren't hungry after the dance, and we didn't have enough time to set up the hunt. Instead we decided to just go to my friend Bubbly's house and watch Star Wars.
Now the boy from my physics class was very unnerved the entire night because he was sure that his date was going to ditch him for some other boy. She was a very disrespectful date, and didn't tell him that she was bringing a friend along until the morning of. The boy was mostly ok with this though, because according to him the friend was prettier than the actual date. Anyway, because he was sure his date was going to ditch him, he asked if he could join my groups after-Prom festivities. We of course said yes.
His date ended up not ditching him, but after Prom he just took both her and her friend home and then he drove over to Bubble's house. At Bubbles house we all tried to crowd onto one couch. Eight of us was a rather tight fit, but thankfully the couch was pretty large. I demanded the corner seat because I didn't want to be crushed between two people, and because my physics partner showed up later than everyone else, he was "stuck" next to me. At one point he thought that he'd forgotten his keys in his car, so he asked someone to go out to his car with him. I volunteered, and while we were out there he told me that he thought Bubbles was really pretty that night and sort of as an after thought he said that I was really pretty as well. When we went back in and took our places back up he fell asleep on my shoulder (it was about 2am by this time). That was about the moment that I completely caved to my feelings towards him and realized I had a really really strong crush on him.
The next school day we had, he mentioned to Hot-Head that he liked me and asked her how I felt about him. At the time I hadn't said anything to Hot-Head yet, and so she told him she didn't think I liked him that way. When I told her later that day about my new found crush she informed me that he liked me back. For about the next three weeks my physics partner and I flirted constantly and tried talking to each other all the time. For one week I was in Washington D.C. for a national We the People tournament (a sort of debating class I took) and when I got upset I would text him. At one point I got worried that I was going to be able to do my physics homework, so he said he'd do it for me. When he finished he said I owed him something, but he would decide later what I owed him.
It took two weeks for him to tell me exactly what I owed him. It ended up that he wanted me to go on a date with him. I was ecstatic that he had asked me out and I replied that I didn't think that was a way of paying him back, but I would most certainly love to go on a date with him.
The date ended up being going to the movies with him and then walking around the mall for a little while afterwards. In the actual movie I accidentally dumped half the bag of pop corn on his lap and was mortally embarrassed. He thought it was super funny and cute thankfully. When we walked around the mall, he just had to drag me into the Mac store because he was a techie, so I dragged him through the girliest store I could find. That store just happened to be Pink, the teenaged version of Victoria's Secret. He handled it very well, and it made me giggle quite a bit to see him in that store.
After the date, for the next week we were basically in limbo. It was like we were unofficially together and all of my friends were begging me to make it official, so on May 10th, 2010 I asked him over Facebook whether we were dating or not. He responded that he would like to be my boyfriend, and in that instant I changed my Facebook relationship status. The next morning he showed up with one single rose for me that I later took home to press inside one of my favorite Harry Potter books.
And that is how B3 came into being. For the full details on our relationship and the break up you'll have to read my next blog.
So the story of my love life starts about four years ago exactly. It was my freshman year and I had decided that I wanted to take drama instead of PE. I'd always rather enjoyed acting and so I figured that drama would be a fun relaxing class as apposed to all the honors classes I was taking. For the first couple of month I enjoyed just playing around with my friend Hot-Head, but then we started to actually talk to some of the other students in the class.
There was one particular boy I took an interest in. He was taller than me and really funny. He had a bit of an acne problem (like most 14 year old guys) and he wasn't the brightest person on the planet, but that didn't bother me at all. I mostly liked how sweet he acted towards me and how he managed to make me smile all the time. Needless to say I developed a crush.
After some time and some prodding from Hot-Head, it became apparent that this boy liked me just as much as I liked him and then became B1. For a while we were pretty good together, and since he was my first boy I had no clue how to act. I'm pretty sure that I got quite clingy for a time and pretty much chased him off. It only took 3 weeks to do so as well.
When he broke up with me I was really upset and cried for a long time. The next day I handed him a letter I had written the night before and then ran off. From that point forward I avoided B1 like the plague. I saw him about a month ago, and I still didn't say hi. Right now though, I don't avoid him because he hurt me, I avoid him because I'm embarrassed. Hot-Head likes to remind me often of how B1 looked like a penguin when he walked. He definitely had a bit of a waddle.
After B1 broke up with me I was in the rebound stage, and a boy in my Algebra 2 class really liked to flirt with me.
This new boy was also taller than me, and he seemed to have an even bigger problem with acne. I also seem to recall he smelled kind of... stale, like he didn't bathe enough. I am definitely embarrassed to say now, that he ended up becoming B2.
B2 and I lasted what remained of the school year and the duration of the summer (although over the summer we didn't see much of each other because neither one of us could drive). At the end of the summer I used the excuse of my Step-Mom dieing (I really did love her, just not proud of this excuse) to break up with him. I had two classes with him the next year and in one of them he was the only person I knew (we were the only two sophomores in the class) so needless to say that class was quite awkward.
For almost 3 years after that I never had a huge interest in any boy in particular. Sure there were the occasional crushes on boys that were kind or cute, but nothing strong enough to make me want to date them. At least not until two months before graduation. Actually, it was the week before prom that I discovered my attraction towards one of my fellow classmates.
The story of this boy and me is a rather funny one. See, we had been on the same Speech and Debate team for 3 years, and we'd sat next to each other in physics class all year. I think what changed is the fact that he broke up with his girl friend of 1 year in January of that year. A couple months later and he was willing to date again, and I was starting to notice all the great things about him.
So the physical description comes first: He was about 6ft tall (compared to my 5ft 4 inches) with short black hair. He was physically fit, but didn't have a six pack. (Due to the fact that he didn't have a six-pack though, he would often complain about how fat he was.) He had blue eyes and a quirky smile that I loved.
He had one of the most caring personalities that I have ever seen anyone have. He was always up-beat and happy, and he always made me laugh. During class he was always willing to help me with a problem, but he also knew when to have fun. He tried to make me relax a lot about getting everything right, but at the same time he had a better work ethic than me when it came to school work. To me, he seemed perfect at the time.
There was a big problem with actually trying to date him though, he didn't seem interested in me at all. The couple of weeks leading up to Prom he would ask my opinion on the various girls he should ask to prom. In the end he decided to ask a Junior that he knew didn't like him, and surprisingly she said yes.
He also asked me to help him help a friend ask Hot-Head to Prom. I spent a lot of time planning with him in the weeks leading up to Prom, and eventually it paid off. My friend was incredibly happy to have a boy go to Prom with her.
Sadly I ended up going to Prom date-less, but I still decided I wanted to have fun anyway. My friends and I decided to drive to the dance together, and then afterwards to out to eat and maybe to a scavenger hunt if we could make out. The problem with this was that we weren't hungry after the dance, and we didn't have enough time to set up the hunt. Instead we decided to just go to my friend Bubbly's house and watch Star Wars.
Now the boy from my physics class was very unnerved the entire night because he was sure that his date was going to ditch him for some other boy. She was a very disrespectful date, and didn't tell him that she was bringing a friend along until the morning of. The boy was mostly ok with this though, because according to him the friend was prettier than the actual date. Anyway, because he was sure his date was going to ditch him, he asked if he could join my groups after-Prom festivities. We of course said yes.
His date ended up not ditching him, but after Prom he just took both her and her friend home and then he drove over to Bubble's house. At Bubbles house we all tried to crowd onto one couch. Eight of us was a rather tight fit, but thankfully the couch was pretty large. I demanded the corner seat because I didn't want to be crushed between two people, and because my physics partner showed up later than everyone else, he was "stuck" next to me. At one point he thought that he'd forgotten his keys in his car, so he asked someone to go out to his car with him. I volunteered, and while we were out there he told me that he thought Bubbles was really pretty that night and sort of as an after thought he said that I was really pretty as well. When we went back in and took our places back up he fell asleep on my shoulder (it was about 2am by this time). That was about the moment that I completely caved to my feelings towards him and realized I had a really really strong crush on him.
The next school day we had, he mentioned to Hot-Head that he liked me and asked her how I felt about him. At the time I hadn't said anything to Hot-Head yet, and so she told him she didn't think I liked him that way. When I told her later that day about my new found crush she informed me that he liked me back. For about the next three weeks my physics partner and I flirted constantly and tried talking to each other all the time. For one week I was in Washington D.C. for a national We the People tournament (a sort of debating class I took) and when I got upset I would text him. At one point I got worried that I was going to be able to do my physics homework, so he said he'd do it for me. When he finished he said I owed him something, but he would decide later what I owed him.
It took two weeks for him to tell me exactly what I owed him. It ended up that he wanted me to go on a date with him. I was ecstatic that he had asked me out and I replied that I didn't think that was a way of paying him back, but I would most certainly love to go on a date with him.
The date ended up being going to the movies with him and then walking around the mall for a little while afterwards. In the actual movie I accidentally dumped half the bag of pop corn on his lap and was mortally embarrassed. He thought it was super funny and cute thankfully. When we walked around the mall, he just had to drag me into the Mac store because he was a techie, so I dragged him through the girliest store I could find. That store just happened to be Pink, the teenaged version of Victoria's Secret. He handled it very well, and it made me giggle quite a bit to see him in that store.
After the date, for the next week we were basically in limbo. It was like we were unofficially together and all of my friends were begging me to make it official, so on May 10th, 2010 I asked him over Facebook whether we were dating or not. He responded that he would like to be my boyfriend, and in that instant I changed my Facebook relationship status. The next morning he showed up with one single rose for me that I later took home to press inside one of my favorite Harry Potter books.
And that is how B3 came into being. For the full details on our relationship and the break up you'll have to read my next blog.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Beginning
So my friends have been using this blog for quite some time, but I have yet to try it out. Today when I was incredibly bored and frustrated so I figured it would be a perfect time to start. I like this blogging idea because it can allow me to write my feelings down in a place that seems semi-public, while still being private about who I'm talking about.
A real diary seems to be pointless to me because I'd always forget it somewhere or simply become annoyed at the fact that I have to hand write every word I want to say. On this blogger I can say as much as I want to without the tedious effort of handwriting anything. I also like the idea that completely anonymous people can read about my life and what I think without me actually having an impact on their life.
I love gossip, and yet I hate it at the same time. It's one of the things that I absolutely need to stop myself from doing because it only seems to cause more problems in the world. I figure I can gossip on the internet, without a single person actually knowing who I'm talking about. I can completely change people's names so that every single person I talk about can remain anonymous.
Recently I've had a lot of problems because of how much I like to gossip. I feel like I'm losing the trust of my friends, and trust is one of the things I value most. If I say one thing to one friend, then it feels like a betrayal to another. Sometimes I step in and say what I feel needs to be said, but recently that has come back to haunt me.
Honestly, I'm just hoping that this blogger becomes an outlet for me and allowed me to stay away from drama in my life. In the process maybe my life story will become interesting for other people, but I doubt it. Everyone has their own drama to deal with, they don't want to hear about mine.
A real diary seems to be pointless to me because I'd always forget it somewhere or simply become annoyed at the fact that I have to hand write every word I want to say. On this blogger I can say as much as I want to without the tedious effort of handwriting anything. I also like the idea that completely anonymous people can read about my life and what I think without me actually having an impact on their life.
I love gossip, and yet I hate it at the same time. It's one of the things that I absolutely need to stop myself from doing because it only seems to cause more problems in the world. I figure I can gossip on the internet, without a single person actually knowing who I'm talking about. I can completely change people's names so that every single person I talk about can remain anonymous.
Recently I've had a lot of problems because of how much I like to gossip. I feel like I'm losing the trust of my friends, and trust is one of the things I value most. If I say one thing to one friend, then it feels like a betrayal to another. Sometimes I step in and say what I feel needs to be said, but recently that has come back to haunt me.
Honestly, I'm just hoping that this blogger becomes an outlet for me and allowed me to stay away from drama in my life. In the process maybe my life story will become interesting for other people, but I doubt it. Everyone has their own drama to deal with, they don't want to hear about mine.
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