In the last couple of days, especially today, I've had moments where I'll think something that'll lead to another idea.
What struck me just now is my thoughts on friends. I've had so many friends over the years, some closer than others, but there are only a few who I can say have been in my life for more than half of it. Actually, all I can think of are two people. Friends come and go, and shift around. Some friends that I was never close to before are now the people I confide in the most. Some friends who I used to confide in all the time are now more distant. It's really strange how friends can be. I love every single one of my friends and I would hate it for anything to happen to them. I also wish that I could be closer to the ones that I've left behind.
I think of myself as an open person, but I honestly don't know if that's the truth. Sure I'll answer any question you give me, but do I always answer with the truth? I say white lies all the time in order to spare people's feelings, and even though that may be for kindness's sake, it's still a lie. I want to change this, but the other night when I finally decided to tell the complete truth to someone even though I knew it would upset them, it caused our friendship to hit another rough patch.
I've got a long list of things that I hate about myself that I want to change somehow:
1) My weight
2) The amount of lieing I do.
3) My dependance on telling everyone everything about my life.
4) How messy I am all the time. I like clean area's, I'm just too lazy to keep clean normally.
5) How much I care about what other people think of me.
6) My limitations on things that I can do. (This one is actually already in the process of changing)
Those are just the things I'm thinking about right now, but I know that there are thousands more. Right now I especially hate the third one. It's caused me so much pain because I know that it's wrong, but I keep doing it anyway. I can't stop and I really really need to. Not everyone wants or needs to know about my life, and there are some things in my life that I know about that are not my right to tell. I've harmed other people by telling some of my harder stories, and in the process it's harmed my friendships to them.
The good thing is, is that I think I'm working on number 1 and number 6 a lot this week. If you ask B3 about me, he'd probably tell you that I like to crawl into a shell and never emerge from it. We used to have a lot of arguments because there were a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I was afraid of doing it. The number one thing was working out with him. I didn't want to work out with him because I felt like I'd be embarrassing myself in front of him with how out of shape I am. We argued about this so much because he wanted to work out with me so bad, and I just couldn't do it. This last week changed though. I actually went to the gym with a guy twice. It wasn't that bad either because he went and lifted weights and I ran on the elliptical. I didn't feel like I was being judged at all. I only wish I could have found that confidence when I was still dating B3, it might have saved us a lot of arguments.
Another argument I would have with B3 was about dancing at a party and getting drunk. I was terrified to do these things, but he would try so hard to talk me out of my fear. We almost went to a frat party when I was there last time, but the decided to change at the last minute when they found out that they had to pay $5 to get in and they didn't have the money. I also wouldn't go the free dance that they had at his school on my first visit because I was scared to dance with him. I've never danced with a guy ever. There was one moment when I sort of slow danced with a guy, but it was awkward and we were about 2 feet apart so I don't really think that that counts. Tomorrow that's going to change though. I'm going to go to a frat party and I'm determined to get drunk and dance with at least one guy. I want to have fun, and I want to break myself of this fear. I think I'll be safe because of how many DG girls I'm going with, and I'm pretty sure that they'll take care of me.
The last thing I did that I thought I would never do recently was actually join DG. I never thought that I would be a sorority girl, but here I am now and I'm loving it. It was definitely one of the best decisions I've made.
There is a problem with all of the things I've changed about myself recently. I feel like I'm secretly trying to please B3, because they're all things that we either used to fight about or things that he would push me to try recently. I don't want to do stuff because he tells me to, but I really feel like that's what I'm doing. I think secretly I hope that he'll like me better if I do what he wants me to do, but at the same time I really don't want him back. I know that I could never date him again, and I know that I never would, but I can't stop myself from trying to make him love me still. We have been apart now longer than we were together, and I'm still in love with him. I need this to stop so badly that it's causing me to do stupid things.
I keep thinking about tomorrow night and hoping that I'll find some guy to fool around with, but at the same time I don't want that to happen at all. I'm not that kind of girl that goes for the one night stand, especially when I haven't even done oral yet. I don't want to do something I'm going to regret tomorrow night, but there are so many things that I desperately want to do.
I also have started texting a guy that I told myself I would never text again. I like the kind of satisfaction I get when I find out that pictures of me can make a guy horny. It's bad and dirty, but it makes me feel so self confident and proud that I have felt the need to do it recently. I hate that I have that compulsion, but it is such an empowering feeling that I just can't stop. It drives me nuts though when I don't get a reaction and so sometimes (like tonight) it can be just painstaking.
Going back to the friends topic from earlier I just want to say that I've discovered that I can be a little bit too clingy with some friends. Some friends want their space, but when they try to take it without telling me, I freak out a little bit and start getting upset. I did this to Wits a couple days ago, and I don't know if I've permanently caused a problem in our friendship. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I honestly think that the harder I try to keep him as a friend the less likely our friendship will last.
So there, I have two more things to add to my list:
1) Compulsion to do something dirty
2) Clinginess to friends
Maybe I can change these things in time, but for right now I'll continue working on one thing at a time. I just seriously hope that I'm not doing all these things to try and get approval from B3.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Side Note
I realized something today while reading friends blogs too. I may write super long blogs when I write them, but I think that they equal the length of my friends blogs when I combine how much I write in the same amount of time that they write them. I think it is quite fitting, and I don't feel too awkward about it anymore.
A Happy Day
The last couple of days have been really awesome. I splurged a little bit, but I had amazing fun.
Yesterday I woke up easily at 10am and just laid there for a while. After a bit I turned on my computer and got onto Facebook. B3 happened to be on at that time and so we started talking. We had a really good conversation (up until the very end, but that wasn't his fault, his roommate took over) and I was fairly happy after it. I then left to go eat brunch with the Shepardites. Brunch was spectacular that day and it just made the day get even better. Around 3pm my girlfriends and I decided to go shopping. We found a cute store that had fantastic prices on dresses. I came away with two very formal dresses with a total price of $33. We then went to Orange Julia's and bought a couple of smoothies that tasted so good after spending so much time in the one store. All the other girls were tired by this point though so they decided to go back. I decided that I really did need to search for what I had come for, so I went on my own to Kohl's. I bought a black cardigan and some black flip flops. I also really wanted some boots and I had been told that JCPenny's tends to have good sales so I decided to go over there. I ended up finding some really cute boots for $30 there so I bought them. By this time though it was dark outside and I didn't exactly know the way back to campus. So, I called my friend up and she had someone else direct me back to campus. I made him stay on the phone though for a while because I was very afraid of being mugged out on the streets. When I got back everyone was getting ready to order pizza and watch a movie so I just joined in.
That night was a lot of fun as well because when everyone else decided to go on a walk, Kitten and I stayed behind. We first went to Montag (a food store on campus) and buy some chocolate. On our way over there though we realized we had forgotten one vital thing about Saturday night this week. That night was signing night at the fraternities and so they were particularly rowdy. When we walked into Montag, SAE decided to shout "I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE 'TILL I DIE!" and then something else that rhymed with Sigma Chi. They were shouting it towards the Sigma Chi building, but it seemed like they were shouting it at Kitten and me so it was really funny.
When we came back from Montag, Kitten and a couple other Shepardites that had decided not to go on the walk decided to watch a movie and I joined in. We watched a movie called "The Fall" that I thought was amazingly good and I definitely want to see it again. After that we watched "The Black Cauldron" and it was pretty cute. When that movie was over I decided to go to bed.
Today I woke up at 11:30 and go ready to go to brunch at the DG house. When I got there a couple girls showed me how to order the food and I got delicious chocolate chip pancakes. After brunch I hung out with a bunch of the girls for a while until everyone was ready to go shopping (something we had pre-planned as a bonding time). I started to feel more comfortable in the house and I'm quite happy with it now. It was about 1:30 by the time that we left and we ended up going over to the mall again to see the store with the cute dresses. I needed to exchange one of the dresses I had bought for a smaller size and the other girls wanted to check out the sales. One of my new sisters bought a dress and a jacket, but no one else bought anything. After that two of the girls decided to go back and that left just the two of us to shop together.
I had so much fun with those two girls shopping. We first went to JCPenny's to check out boots and make-up from Sephora. Then we decided to go back to DG and see if we could borrow someone's car so we could go to Target, but no one would loan us a car so we got a cab instead. When we go to target we looked all over to see if we could find some footie-pajamas, but we had no luck. Instead we bought make up and beauty accessories. Then we walked across the street to another mall and bought Orange Julia's because we were hungry and thirsty by that time. Afterwards we decided to go into Burlington Coat Factory where we found amazing sales on lingerie. I totally would have bought some if I had a boy to wear them for, but I restrained myself from buying the $10 corset. My new sisters on the other hand couldn't stand it and ended up buying two corsets each. After that we walked into Sears to see if they would have footie-pajamas, but once again we had no luck. On the bright side though we found an amazing sale on underwear, and they told me that I needed to buy a comfortable thong to try it out. So I bought a thong for $3 today. We were really tired after that store and the mall was closing so we called the cab and had it bring us back to campus.
When we got back to campus Red Head (one of my new sisters that I went shopping with) decided to go to Goudy with me to eat dinner. Dinner was a little bit awkward, but it was still good. When I went back to Shepard after eating I hung out a little bit with Kitten, and then I had to head back to DG for a new members meeting. The new members meeting started out boring, but got really interesting when they started talking about serenades. I'm extremely excited for them, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I don't exactly want to do a dance in front of the entire drunken student body of this school, but I think it'll be an amazingly fun experience so I'm going to do it anyway.
The meeting got out around 9:30 and I headed back to Shepard to start on my homework. My homework was super long and grueling, and I really didn't like it very much because people would make fun of me for my lack of knowledge in French. That really bothers me, but they don't know it and I probably won't tell them. The creative writing homework I had after that was a little more fun though. I wrote a new poem that goes like this:
Yesterday I woke up easily at 10am and just laid there for a while. After a bit I turned on my computer and got onto Facebook. B3 happened to be on at that time and so we started talking. We had a really good conversation (up until the very end, but that wasn't his fault, his roommate took over) and I was fairly happy after it. I then left to go eat brunch with the Shepardites. Brunch was spectacular that day and it just made the day get even better. Around 3pm my girlfriends and I decided to go shopping. We found a cute store that had fantastic prices on dresses. I came away with two very formal dresses with a total price of $33. We then went to Orange Julia's and bought a couple of smoothies that tasted so good after spending so much time in the one store. All the other girls were tired by this point though so they decided to go back. I decided that I really did need to search for what I had come for, so I went on my own to Kohl's. I bought a black cardigan and some black flip flops. I also really wanted some boots and I had been told that JCPenny's tends to have good sales so I decided to go over there. I ended up finding some really cute boots for $30 there so I bought them. By this time though it was dark outside and I didn't exactly know the way back to campus. So, I called my friend up and she had someone else direct me back to campus. I made him stay on the phone though for a while because I was very afraid of being mugged out on the streets. When I got back everyone was getting ready to order pizza and watch a movie so I just joined in.
That night was a lot of fun as well because when everyone else decided to go on a walk, Kitten and I stayed behind. We first went to Montag (a food store on campus) and buy some chocolate. On our way over there though we realized we had forgotten one vital thing about Saturday night this week. That night was signing night at the fraternities and so they were particularly rowdy. When we walked into Montag, SAE decided to shout "I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE! I AM AN ASSHOLE 'TILL I DIE!" and then something else that rhymed with Sigma Chi. They were shouting it towards the Sigma Chi building, but it seemed like they were shouting it at Kitten and me so it was really funny.
When we came back from Montag, Kitten and a couple other Shepardites that had decided not to go on the walk decided to watch a movie and I joined in. We watched a movie called "The Fall" that I thought was amazingly good and I definitely want to see it again. After that we watched "The Black Cauldron" and it was pretty cute. When that movie was over I decided to go to bed.
Today I woke up at 11:30 and go ready to go to brunch at the DG house. When I got there a couple girls showed me how to order the food and I got delicious chocolate chip pancakes. After brunch I hung out with a bunch of the girls for a while until everyone was ready to go shopping (something we had pre-planned as a bonding time). I started to feel more comfortable in the house and I'm quite happy with it now. It was about 1:30 by the time that we left and we ended up going over to the mall again to see the store with the cute dresses. I needed to exchange one of the dresses I had bought for a smaller size and the other girls wanted to check out the sales. One of my new sisters bought a dress and a jacket, but no one else bought anything. After that two of the girls decided to go back and that left just the two of us to shop together.
I had so much fun with those two girls shopping. We first went to JCPenny's to check out boots and make-up from Sephora. Then we decided to go back to DG and see if we could borrow someone's car so we could go to Target, but no one would loan us a car so we got a cab instead. When we go to target we looked all over to see if we could find some footie-pajamas, but we had no luck. Instead we bought make up and beauty accessories. Then we walked across the street to another mall and bought Orange Julia's because we were hungry and thirsty by that time. Afterwards we decided to go into Burlington Coat Factory where we found amazing sales on lingerie. I totally would have bought some if I had a boy to wear them for, but I restrained myself from buying the $10 corset. My new sisters on the other hand couldn't stand it and ended up buying two corsets each. After that we walked into Sears to see if they would have footie-pajamas, but once again we had no luck. On the bright side though we found an amazing sale on underwear, and they told me that I needed to buy a comfortable thong to try it out. So I bought a thong for $3 today. We were really tired after that store and the mall was closing so we called the cab and had it bring us back to campus.
When we got back to campus Red Head (one of my new sisters that I went shopping with) decided to go to Goudy with me to eat dinner. Dinner was a little bit awkward, but it was still good. When I went back to Shepard after eating I hung out a little bit with Kitten, and then I had to head back to DG for a new members meeting. The new members meeting started out boring, but got really interesting when they started talking about serenades. I'm extremely excited for them, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I don't exactly want to do a dance in front of the entire drunken student body of this school, but I think it'll be an amazingly fun experience so I'm going to do it anyway.
The meeting got out around 9:30 and I headed back to Shepard to start on my homework. My homework was super long and grueling, and I really didn't like it very much because people would make fun of me for my lack of knowledge in French. That really bothers me, but they don't know it and I probably won't tell them. The creative writing homework I had after that was a little more fun though. I wrote a new poem that goes like this:
Unseen
Smile, frown, puckered lips,
Twitch, wink, double blink,
wiggle, scrunch, pig-like sniff,
wrinkled, smooth, dimpled chin.
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Scratch, pinch, soothing touch,
CRACK, bend, crunchy pop,
Twist, turn, gentle stretch
Grab, squeeze, choking clutch
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Stand, sit, aching joints,
Jiggle, stretch, beastly bounce,
Flex, rest, tired limbs,
love, hate, needed life.
Smile, frown, puckered lips,
Twitch, wink, double blink,
wiggle, scrunch, pig-like sniff,
wrinkled, smooth, dimpled chin.
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Scratch, pinch, soothing touch,
CRACK, bend, crunchy pop,
Twist, turn, gentle stretch
Grab, squeeze, choking clutch
Actions that, are done upon,
every single day,
No notice, too humble,
but there, nonetheless.
Stand, sit, aching joints,
Jiggle, stretch, beastly bounce,
Flex, rest, tired limbs,
love, hate, needed life.
I also fixed up my Teddy poem so that it sounds like this:
Teddy
He has two ears balanced upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white specks,
One soft large nose perched above his mouth,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the muzzle.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His pudge extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming fluff.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Revealing his love for me.
He was built for me by my beloved,
Each of his attributes assembled for me explicitly,
I will take him with me past the moons of Jupiter,
And into the world beyond.
He has two ears balanced upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white specks,
One soft large nose perched above his mouth,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the muzzle.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His pudge extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming fluff.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Revealing his love for me.
He was built for me by my beloved,
Each of his attributes assembled for me explicitly,
I will take him with me past the moons of Jupiter,
And into the world beyond.
At one point while writing these poems I decided to take a break and check JobCat to see if there were any job postings near by. There actually was, so I decided to fix up my resume and write a cover letter and apply. I really hope I get the job, I could use the income.
Now I'm headed to bed, much later than I had anticipated (3 am). Tomorrow I have to get up an hour earlier than I normally would because I'm "dressing to the badge" which means I'm dressing super formal to classes and wearing my DG pin. I think it'll be fun but awkward. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Drama Saga Continues
Sometimes I feel that this blog is more of a way to rant about my various drama rather than an actual diary. It helps though.
So, as the title implies, I have more drama in my life. Kitten has become more intolerable and Wits (formally known as P1) has become more annoying. It's strange, but right now I feel as if my closest friend was someone who I never thought I'd be able to be friends again with. When I told Draco (formerly known as P2) that this was the case right now he was shocked. He told me I needed to talk to Wits, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel that if Wits really wants to be my friend and care about what happens in my life that he would ask about it, but he doesn't. I don't think I'm ever going to volunteer information to him anymore because I just get the feeling that it annoys him. Draco was describing to my roommate Nerdy, that in the last two months he's watched a spectacular friendship go up in smoke and it really bothers him. Kitten, Wits, and I used to be so close but now we can hardly have a conversation (even between just two of us) without something bad happening. I've tried to escape this by joining a sorority, but that only seems to have made Kitten's drama worse.
Another thing that bothers me is actually hanging out at the sorority. It feels like I'm invading a lot of the time, so I don't go there very much. I want to be able to hang out and have fun there, but I just feel like an outsider right now, and I hardly know anyone's names. When I told B3 about my insecurities on this matter he told me that he felt the same way when he first joined. He fixed that problem by hanging out there as much as possible, and just learning to balance his away friends with his frat brothers. I think I'm going to try that, and I already made a step towards doing so by asking the new members (like me) to hang out on Sunday. I think we've decided that we're going to go shopping after we eat brunch with all of our other sisters. B3 also helped me get over my conflicts with Kitten and DG. He told me that if she doesn't respect my choice to go there then I should just ignore her. I can hang out with her on occasion, but I shouldn't listen to her otherwise. I feel guilty doing this, but so many people have told me to do it that I really do think its the right thing to do.
I love each and every one of my friends, but I need to find a place where I belong once again and right now I don't have it.
Another additional issues with today is the fact that Kitten found out that Wits is in a new relationship and that I knew it was going to happen for the last two weeks and I didn't tell her. She's also upset that I snapped at her last night (because she woke me up when I was dead tired), and today she didn't even wait to go to class with me. When I got to class she sat on the other side of Javelin and made sure I couldn't sit next to her. At lunch is when she found out about Wits and his new girl friend, and after that is when issues happened.
After lunch I ranted a little bit to Draco and Nerdy, and that's when Draco told me I needed to talk to Wits. After Wits and Draco came back from spanish, Wits decided to ask me to play pool and to show me what Kitten had said to him in a message earlier. The pool game was just awkward because I'm upset with him and I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want to bother him, and I don't want the only thing we ever talk about be Kitten. I want to talk about stuff between the two of us, or even play a fun game together, but we never do that anymore and he shows no interest in it.
I have a couple of other new friends that are fun to hang out with, but I'm still upset at the explosion that's occurred from Kitten and Wits failed relationship.
What I don't get is that Wits knew I was upset, and he didn't even ask me why. All he asked was whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about with him, which I don't consider to be asking about me but asking about whether I have a problem with him. I already told him why I'm upset with him, and for a day it changed, but after that he went back to being disinterested.
Oh well, I guess I'll just stick it out for the rest of this weekend and then after that spend as much time as possible at DG and not around people here.
So, as the title implies, I have more drama in my life. Kitten has become more intolerable and Wits (formally known as P1) has become more annoying. It's strange, but right now I feel as if my closest friend was someone who I never thought I'd be able to be friends again with. When I told Draco (formerly known as P2) that this was the case right now he was shocked. He told me I needed to talk to Wits, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel that if Wits really wants to be my friend and care about what happens in my life that he would ask about it, but he doesn't. I don't think I'm ever going to volunteer information to him anymore because I just get the feeling that it annoys him. Draco was describing to my roommate Nerdy, that in the last two months he's watched a spectacular friendship go up in smoke and it really bothers him. Kitten, Wits, and I used to be so close but now we can hardly have a conversation (even between just two of us) without something bad happening. I've tried to escape this by joining a sorority, but that only seems to have made Kitten's drama worse.
Another thing that bothers me is actually hanging out at the sorority. It feels like I'm invading a lot of the time, so I don't go there very much. I want to be able to hang out and have fun there, but I just feel like an outsider right now, and I hardly know anyone's names. When I told B3 about my insecurities on this matter he told me that he felt the same way when he first joined. He fixed that problem by hanging out there as much as possible, and just learning to balance his away friends with his frat brothers. I think I'm going to try that, and I already made a step towards doing so by asking the new members (like me) to hang out on Sunday. I think we've decided that we're going to go shopping after we eat brunch with all of our other sisters. B3 also helped me get over my conflicts with Kitten and DG. He told me that if she doesn't respect my choice to go there then I should just ignore her. I can hang out with her on occasion, but I shouldn't listen to her otherwise. I feel guilty doing this, but so many people have told me to do it that I really do think its the right thing to do.
I love each and every one of my friends, but I need to find a place where I belong once again and right now I don't have it.
Another additional issues with today is the fact that Kitten found out that Wits is in a new relationship and that I knew it was going to happen for the last two weeks and I didn't tell her. She's also upset that I snapped at her last night (because she woke me up when I was dead tired), and today she didn't even wait to go to class with me. When I got to class she sat on the other side of Javelin and made sure I couldn't sit next to her. At lunch is when she found out about Wits and his new girl friend, and after that is when issues happened.
After lunch I ranted a little bit to Draco and Nerdy, and that's when Draco told me I needed to talk to Wits. After Wits and Draco came back from spanish, Wits decided to ask me to play pool and to show me what Kitten had said to him in a message earlier. The pool game was just awkward because I'm upset with him and I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I don't want to bother him, and I don't want the only thing we ever talk about be Kitten. I want to talk about stuff between the two of us, or even play a fun game together, but we never do that anymore and he shows no interest in it.
I have a couple of other new friends that are fun to hang out with, but I'm still upset at the explosion that's occurred from Kitten and Wits failed relationship.
What I don't get is that Wits knew I was upset, and he didn't even ask me why. All he asked was whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about with him, which I don't consider to be asking about me but asking about whether I have a problem with him. I already told him why I'm upset with him, and for a day it changed, but after that he went back to being disinterested.
Oh well, I guess I'll just stick it out for the rest of this weekend and then after that spend as much time as possible at DG and not around people here.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thoughts
My mind is all jumbled up tonight. Why is it that during the day I can be so happy, but the instant I settle down for bed my mind goes crazy with every small thing that bothers me? I love the way life is going right now, and to all of my friends I say I'm happy, but every single night proves me to be wrong. My mind is so fixated on the things that I can't solve that it's ruining the fun I've been having.
Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.
I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.
I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.
I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.
I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.
I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.
I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.
This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.
My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.
My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.
I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)
I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.
The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.
I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.
Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.
I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.
Last night I cried before I went to bed, and it was probably the best sleep I've had in a really long time. I think all of the problems with my friendship relationship with B3 came crashing down last night and I don't really know how to fix it. When I tried to talk to him tonight he answered with comments that required as little conversation as possible. I don't know if it's because he's ignoring me, or if it's because he was doing something else, but he didn't want to ignore me which is why he talked to me even if he wasn't able to. The logical part of my brain says it's the second option, but I can't help feeling like it was the first one.
I also went to six billion secrets tonight and started to read about everything on there and it's just heartbreaking because I know a person that's related to everything on it thus far. I know friends who have cut themselves because they wanted to know who would notice. I know friends who cut themselves because they wanted more control in their life. I know that I myself have issues dealing with getting over love so that I can still be a good friend. I know about the various mommy issues of different friends of mine and even my own. I think that every single person has problems, and I think it's probably the truth that the people that laugh and smile the most are the ones that are hurting the most underneath.
I wish I could help every single person that is upset, but I also know that if I did that it would drive me crazy. I want to help everyone but in the process it makes me more upset at the things I'm unable to do. I hate when my friends are threatening to harm themselves and I can't do anything about it. I hate it even more when I can tell that they're upset and wanting to harm themselves, but that they won't tell me because they don't want to upset me. There are so many situations in which I feel powerless to help others and it drives me crazy.
I hate when I can't help myself either. I want to force myself to forget about B3 so that I can sleep. I want to force myself to give up on my mom, or at least to talk to her about what's upsetting me. I want to force myself to become independent of my friends so that I can do everything that I want to do. I want to force myself to do everything for myself and not for everyone else.
I can't think of one thing that I've done recently that was for me alone, and not for someone else. I guess this blog might be something, a way to get out my feelings at least, but it's not really the sort of thing I'm talking about. I applied to a job to please my mom. I rushed to please my dad and B3. I am going to drink to please B3. I hang out with my group of friends here to please Kitten. I do my homework to please my parents and friends. I try to sleep at night so that my friends won't rag on me so much.
I want to do something completely for myself. Sometimes I really wish I could just stop caring about other people. Like there was switch that I could turn on and off. It would make dealing with every emotional problem so much easier.
I guess maybe I have done some stuff for myself. I curled up in the blanket my best friend Bubbles made me and watched my favorite TV show tonight just because I felt like it. I went shopping earlier because I really wanted to. I can't think of much else, but at least I have those two things that I've done for myself.
This is going to seem random, but oh well, my mind is random tonight. One of the posts I read tonight I love more than any of the others. Every single one of my friends (EVERY ONE) makes fun of me for having so many old stuffed animals. They say its time for me to grow up and get rid of them, but I refuse to do so. Another girl said the same thing, and her reason is that she needs someone to cuddle and listen to her when she's crying. I've need my stuffed animals so much recently, and even though I'm made fun of for them, I don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Every one of my animals are special to me. Every one of my animals have a quality that makes them unique and irreplaceable.
My giant panda is there every time I'm curled up in pain, and it doesn't care if I have a fever and am too hot, or if I'm too heavy and it's getting squished when I lean on it. Its been there for me ever since the beginning of my menstrual problems, and I can't imagine going through the pain that I've been in without him there.
My Bun-Bun was been there for me ever since I was a baby. I have memories of playing with her with my friends in the 3rd grade, and talking to her when I was upset. I have another doll named Sara (named after my step sister, before I got her for a sister my doll had no name) who I've had even longer than Bun-Bun. She's so worn down and ratty that I can't even really hug her anymore, but she's still very special to me. I don't ever remember playing with her, but judging by the state she's in I must have been a rough child that needed a companion for everything.
I have a horse named Brownie that I love dearly because Brownie has a twin that belongs to my best friend from the 1st grade. I still talk to her and love her dearly, and even though I'm in a different state from her Brownie is still my connection to her. Every time I hug Brownie I feel as though I'm hugging my best friend. (Side note: My best friend and I used to watch A little Princess together all the time as we were growing up and there is a scene in that movie that says every time a little girl hugs the doll that is given to her, she's really getting a hug from the person that gave the doll away. I love that scene so much and it means the most to me.)
I have a build-a-bear bunny rabbit that I made with my step-mom. After my step-mom died I fell asleep with that doll in my bed every single night. I still have it in my bed, and on those days when I particularly miss her I make sure to cuddle extra tight with my bunny. I only hope that I really am getting a hug from my step-mom, and that doll is my connection to her.
The lat animal that I keep in my bed all the time is probably the one that I've drawn the most comfort from recently. It is a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear as well and it was given to me on our 2 month anniversary from B3. Even though B3 and I aren't dating anymore the teddy is a reminder that I am a person that is worth loving. It was given to me by someone who loved me completely for everything that I was. He loved me even though I thought I was fat, too sweaty, and introverted. I know that there is another person out there like that, and I know that one day I'll find someone who believes like he did in the moment he gave me the teddy bear, but the difference will be that the new person I find won't change. Hopefully I'll find a guy who continues to love me no matter the distance or the daily common activities we have. My teddy bear is my anchor to that dream and he is the one that gets to hug me when I'm crying about my broken heart. My teddy will forever love me, even if the guy who gave him to me doesn't anymore.
I love my stuffed animals. Each and every one of them. They may be childish dreams, but they're more than that and I wish people could see that. I've tried to explain it to some of my friends, but they just laugh at me and tell me I'm thinking about it too much. They don't realize that my animals really are my most prized possessions.
Ok well I guess I've written a lot tonight when I hadn't really intended for it to be that way, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I write long posts, just to see who's going to care enough to read them to the end.
I hope my brain will settle soon, and more than anything I hope I find a boy with whom I can cuddle without seeming like a slut or an easy target.
The Happy Times Continue
Sometimes it takes a great couple of days, or some lousy things to happen to you for you to really realize just how much the people in your life care for you. I am so incredibly thankful to all of my friends and my family. I'm happy with almost everything that's going on in my life and it is a very nice change from what it was for the last 8 months before that.
The drama is finally at a minimum and I am very thankful for that. My friend Kitten seems to have accepted that I'm leaving, but just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'll never hang out with her anymore. P1 (who I don't have a crush on so we'll call him Wits) and I have been having good conversations recently and it seems to understand why I got upset before and wants to change that. He actually has found a new girl to dote on and so he's happy once again and his life is getting stable once again. Javelin never again brought up our argument and for that I'm thankful, and last night we had a really heart felt conversation where we ended up helping each other out a lot.
My friendship relationship with B3 seems to have had a little bit of a hiccup last night, but I know it'll right itself. He finally trusts me completely again and is treating me like a close friend, which can be somewhat hazardous as he found out last night. He was talking about some girls that he's liked and about ones that he's hit on in the past and it bothered me even though I know it shouldn't. When he asked me why I was suddenly less responsive I decided to tell him the truth and let him know that I was annoyed. After that the conversation just went down hill because he thought I was pissed and I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't. It didn't help that he made a really bad and time inappropriate joke about him walking a girl back to her house. I think I'll talk to him again tonight though and settle the argument we had yesterday.
One thing that I am incredibly happy about as well is the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow! Its for a clerk position at the local law school and it's only 4 hours a week. I think it's perfect because it fits into my schedule nicely, and it isn't too trying. It'll be nice to have a steady income if I can get the job. I don't know that I will get the job yet though because of my prior experience, but I have high hopes.
I am also happy that I am now a new member to Delta Gamma! I had my first ceremony on Monday night, and my first meeting on Sunday night. Tonight I'm going back to the house to have dinner with my Anchor sister and to talk about everything that's happened thus far. I like it a lot and I can't wait to see where it's going to take me. I want to get to know the girls in the sorority better, but right now it seems a little bit awkward. A lot of them know my name, but it feels like to me that I know none of their names even though I've probably been introduced to them all at least two times. I think that with more time spent with them in the house that it'll grow less awkward though and I'll soon learn all of their names.
My classes have also been going really well. I'm actually excited for all of my classes because they are all really fun this semester, and they all seem to be interconnected. Alice in Wonderland (a book I had to read for Children's Classics) has french in it, poetry in it, and logical statements which connect perfectly with french, creative writing, and foundations in mathematics respectively. As I was reading that book I go so excited to find all of the connections that I even brought the book in to show all of my teachers. Creative writing is also a fun class where we're currently working on poetry. My first poem I wrote about the Teddy Bear that B3 gave me, and I actually like it quite a bit. When I brought it in to class today everyone analyzed it and told me stuff I should change about it, and I'd have to agree with them. I think it's going to make for a very cute poem eventually, but the version I have now is:
The drama is finally at a minimum and I am very thankful for that. My friend Kitten seems to have accepted that I'm leaving, but just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'll never hang out with her anymore. P1 (who I don't have a crush on so we'll call him Wits) and I have been having good conversations recently and it seems to understand why I got upset before and wants to change that. He actually has found a new girl to dote on and so he's happy once again and his life is getting stable once again. Javelin never again brought up our argument and for that I'm thankful, and last night we had a really heart felt conversation where we ended up helping each other out a lot.
My friendship relationship with B3 seems to have had a little bit of a hiccup last night, but I know it'll right itself. He finally trusts me completely again and is treating me like a close friend, which can be somewhat hazardous as he found out last night. He was talking about some girls that he's liked and about ones that he's hit on in the past and it bothered me even though I know it shouldn't. When he asked me why I was suddenly less responsive I decided to tell him the truth and let him know that I was annoyed. After that the conversation just went down hill because he thought I was pissed and I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't. It didn't help that he made a really bad and time inappropriate joke about him walking a girl back to her house. I think I'll talk to him again tonight though and settle the argument we had yesterday.
One thing that I am incredibly happy about as well is the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow! Its for a clerk position at the local law school and it's only 4 hours a week. I think it's perfect because it fits into my schedule nicely, and it isn't too trying. It'll be nice to have a steady income if I can get the job. I don't know that I will get the job yet though because of my prior experience, but I have high hopes.
I am also happy that I am now a new member to Delta Gamma! I had my first ceremony on Monday night, and my first meeting on Sunday night. Tonight I'm going back to the house to have dinner with my Anchor sister and to talk about everything that's happened thus far. I like it a lot and I can't wait to see where it's going to take me. I want to get to know the girls in the sorority better, but right now it seems a little bit awkward. A lot of them know my name, but it feels like to me that I know none of their names even though I've probably been introduced to them all at least two times. I think that with more time spent with them in the house that it'll grow less awkward though and I'll soon learn all of their names.
My classes have also been going really well. I'm actually excited for all of my classes because they are all really fun this semester, and they all seem to be interconnected. Alice in Wonderland (a book I had to read for Children's Classics) has french in it, poetry in it, and logical statements which connect perfectly with french, creative writing, and foundations in mathematics respectively. As I was reading that book I go so excited to find all of the connections that I even brought the book in to show all of my teachers. Creative writing is also a fun class where we're currently working on poetry. My first poem I wrote about the Teddy Bear that B3 gave me, and I actually like it quite a bit. When I brought it in to class today everyone analyzed it and told me stuff I should change about it, and I'd have to agree with them. I think it's going to make for a very cute poem eventually, but the version I have now is:
Teddy
He has two ears perched upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white dots,
One soft large nose as opaque as the eyes,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the nose.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His fluff extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming stuffing.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Showing his love for me.
He has two ears perched upon his head,
Two small onyx eyes with tiny white dots,
One soft large nose as opaque as the eyes,
A thin smile, almost imperceptible, just below the nose.
As he sits next to the I Spy book, his head nearly reaches the top,
His body easily fits from the spine to the opening,
His fluff extends out in front of him.
Each of his limbs barely breach his overwhelming stuffing.
Initially he is ice, but as he is held a fire grows,
The tighter he is squeezed the smaller he becomes,
If he is crushed enough, his heart starts to beat,
Showing his love for me.
My french class is also very interesting because of my animated teacher that likes to be dramatic about everything. I think I'm a bit behind though because of my previous experiences in french, so it's going to take a some effort to get back up to the level of everyone else.
Foundations in Mathematics is going to be my most challenging class this semester. It is incredibly difficult already, and my professor says that this is nothing compared to what it's going to be soon. I'm really worried, but I'm going to try my hardest to succeed in the class. It's really interesting and thought provoking though so it won't be too difficult to get myself to wanting to study for it.
The last class I have is Children's Classics, and I am very excited about that class. The teacher is a bit dull, but the reading we have to do for it is awesome. I love all of the books we have to read, and even though we have to read a lot every night I know I can handle it. I'm only worried about the essays, but I only have to do 4 of them total for the entire semester so I'm ok with that.
So that's everything about my classes, but I have to say there is one thing that's been bothering me recently and that's my lack of sleep. I've been having really restless nights where I dream a lot of bizarre dreams and it's starting to get to me. I've been really tired because I'm on my period right now, and not getting sleep just makes it worse. I also don't like that the dreams I've been having relate so strongly to the small things that I want right now that I know I can't have. Like being able to tell my mom that she bothers me when she isn't in town when I go to school or come home. That it feels like she honestly doesn't love me anymore because I've moved out. Another thing would be that in all of my dreams I have a boyfriend. I get to cuddle with him and do everything else and it just makes me want one more in real life. It also doesn't help that the boy in my dreams sometimes is B3, especially since I'm trying hard to get over him. The third thing I dreamed about was actually about getting more sleep. I got so frustrated in one of my dreams about my inability to sleep that I stole an IV with the stuff in it that makes people pass out (like the stuff they gave me when I had my wisdom teeth pulled) and I put it in my arm to sleep. Sadly right at the moment I got it in my arm a guy barged into the room (the one that would later become my boyfriend) and took it out of my arm and kissed me. My dreams have been very strange, and I just want a good nights sleep.
So that's basically everything that's happened in the last week. I guess I write the next time I get the time to do so. Hopefully it'll be sooner than this one was.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
An Incredible Few Days
So I had meant to write every day, but the pace of my day seems to have sped up. I suddenly have a lot more things to do and I rather like it.
In addition to the classes I am taking (which I'm completely stoked for) I have also decided to rush this week. When I went to the informational session on Monday I was a little bit dubious at first, but the more the rho gammas (the leader girls) talked the more I liked the idea of a Sorority. By the end of the session I had decided that I really wanted to pledge to one of them.
After that I decided to start going around and asking which sorority is the best one to join. Right now I have decided that I want to be in Delta Gamma and if that doesn't work out I'll be fine with Pi Beta Phi. Alpha Kai on the other hand I would refuse to go into. It has a really bad reputation at every school as being super slutty. At this school in particular they have a reputation for partying as hard as they can. I don't think that I'd belong in a house like that, but the Delta Gammas are the complete opposite. They are considered to be smart and kind. They also have the nicest house (from what I've seen thus far, the tours don't start until Thursday) but they cost the most money. Overall though I haven't heard anything about Pi Beta Phi, neither good nor bad. I've just heard that they are lesser known and are "ok".
I like the idea of a sisterhood of people that no matter what will be there for you. In the informational session one of the girls talked about how one of her sisters had lost her house in a fire, and the whole alumni had rallied around her to help restore everything she had lost. I want that kind of connection with a group of people, and right now, though I love my friends here, I don't think I have that. I also like that they encourage you to step out of your boundaries and join as many groups as you can. I think that joining a sorority will be good for me.
Last night I went to the sorority "greet and meet" where you go and talk to a bunch of girls from the various houses. The first house I went to was Pi Beta Phi and they were really nice. I only talked to two girls at the time, but at the end of the night I went back and talked to a couple more. After I talked to the two girls from Pi Beta Phi I moved on to the Delta Gamma table. At that table I swear I think I talked to every single girl. I spent at least an hour and a half there talking to the different girls. I met one girl that was extremely happy and energetic. She was a math major and so was excited to hear that I was interested in math as well. Some of the other girls in the group were also very interesting. One girl really liked Dexter and so was pretty passionate about it, and another one seemed like she was the motherly type and liked to make sure that every rush girl that headed over there got to talk to one of the girls. After a while I decided to check out Alpha Pi and decide for myself what I thought of it. At first they seemed pretty interesting, but the moment when they really started getting animated was when they started talking about boys and partying. I think those girls are nice, but I still don't think I belong with them. Each sorority though definitely had a wide variety of people in them.
Tonight I go back to do another meet and greet with other people from the same houses. They say you only have to go to one, but I want to go just to be sure that everyone knows me. I really want to get a bid into Delta Gamma.
In addition to the sorority stuff happening to me in the last couple of days I've had a bit of a surprise from many people. The first of which would be Drama. I talked to her again a couple nights ago and she really does seem like she's changed. She still likes to do some wild stuff, but she seems like she's getting better. I don't think I'll ever be as accepting with her as I was before, but I don't want to just give up being friends with her.
The second big thing that happened would be a drunk conversation with B3 two nights ago. Around 3 am he ended the conversation with this:
B3: ou are not entertaining me enough
B3: i am going to go to bed
B3: just know that i regret breaking up with you like every day
Me: regretting it doesn't take it back...
Me: good night
Me: and I could be entertaining and tell you some stuff, but I don't exactly want to do that because of our previous relationship
Me: at least not yet
B3: ok
B3: bye
B3: i am crying
B3: idk why
Me: I'm sorry
Me: I'm crying too
Me: but I know why
Me: you're probably just crying because you're drunk
Me: good night
What he said in that little segment shocked me. I really didn't know how to handle it so I tried to talk to him the next day (yesterday) at first I told him he was stupid for saying that and he informed me that he was trying to block the conversation out of his mind. I couldn't get what he said out of my mind for the rest of the day though so I decided to talk to him once again and ask him why exactly he regretted breaking up with me. When he said it was mostly because he misses having an intimate relationship with someone that isn't retarded it made it easier for me to cope with what he said. For some reason knowing that he feels that way makes it easier for me to forget about him. I like that he feels the same way I do about having a relationship right now, and even though it was a mistake for him to say it, I think it's going to work out for the best.
The third thing that's happened in the last couple of days would be that P3 actually spoke to me and was nice about it. It was only a brief conversation, but at least he didn't ignore me.
The fourth thing that happened is not as good as everything else. For a while I had thought that P1 was ignoring me. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he got super defensive and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain it the conversation just got worse so I just told him that I was going to leave and do homework.
Later that night I decided to get back online and send him a message explaining everything that had happened. When he responded to the message I discovered that my friend Kitten had tried to be protective of me and talk to him too. That ended up going super badly (like it always does) and now P1 was self destructive again. Right now I have to deal with him, and Kitten, and now another guy, Javelin.
I want that drama to end, but I'm thankful for everything else going right.
In addition to the classes I am taking (which I'm completely stoked for) I have also decided to rush this week. When I went to the informational session on Monday I was a little bit dubious at first, but the more the rho gammas (the leader girls) talked the more I liked the idea of a Sorority. By the end of the session I had decided that I really wanted to pledge to one of them.
After that I decided to start going around and asking which sorority is the best one to join. Right now I have decided that I want to be in Delta Gamma and if that doesn't work out I'll be fine with Pi Beta Phi. Alpha Kai on the other hand I would refuse to go into. It has a really bad reputation at every school as being super slutty. At this school in particular they have a reputation for partying as hard as they can. I don't think that I'd belong in a house like that, but the Delta Gammas are the complete opposite. They are considered to be smart and kind. They also have the nicest house (from what I've seen thus far, the tours don't start until Thursday) but they cost the most money. Overall though I haven't heard anything about Pi Beta Phi, neither good nor bad. I've just heard that they are lesser known and are "ok".
I like the idea of a sisterhood of people that no matter what will be there for you. In the informational session one of the girls talked about how one of her sisters had lost her house in a fire, and the whole alumni had rallied around her to help restore everything she had lost. I want that kind of connection with a group of people, and right now, though I love my friends here, I don't think I have that. I also like that they encourage you to step out of your boundaries and join as many groups as you can. I think that joining a sorority will be good for me.
Last night I went to the sorority "greet and meet" where you go and talk to a bunch of girls from the various houses. The first house I went to was Pi Beta Phi and they were really nice. I only talked to two girls at the time, but at the end of the night I went back and talked to a couple more. After I talked to the two girls from Pi Beta Phi I moved on to the Delta Gamma table. At that table I swear I think I talked to every single girl. I spent at least an hour and a half there talking to the different girls. I met one girl that was extremely happy and energetic. She was a math major and so was excited to hear that I was interested in math as well. Some of the other girls in the group were also very interesting. One girl really liked Dexter and so was pretty passionate about it, and another one seemed like she was the motherly type and liked to make sure that every rush girl that headed over there got to talk to one of the girls. After a while I decided to check out Alpha Pi and decide for myself what I thought of it. At first they seemed pretty interesting, but the moment when they really started getting animated was when they started talking about boys and partying. I think those girls are nice, but I still don't think I belong with them. Each sorority though definitely had a wide variety of people in them.
Tonight I go back to do another meet and greet with other people from the same houses. They say you only have to go to one, but I want to go just to be sure that everyone knows me. I really want to get a bid into Delta Gamma.
In addition to the sorority stuff happening to me in the last couple of days I've had a bit of a surprise from many people. The first of which would be Drama. I talked to her again a couple nights ago and she really does seem like she's changed. She still likes to do some wild stuff, but she seems like she's getting better. I don't think I'll ever be as accepting with her as I was before, but I don't want to just give up being friends with her.
The second big thing that happened would be a drunk conversation with B3 two nights ago. Around 3 am he ended the conversation with this:
B3: ou are not entertaining me enough
B3: i am going to go to bed
B3: just know that i regret breaking up with you like every day
Me: regretting it doesn't take it back...
Me: good night
Me: and I could be entertaining and tell you some stuff, but I don't exactly want to do that because of our previous relationship
Me: at least not yet
B3: ok
B3: bye
B3: i am crying
B3: idk why
Me: I'm sorry
Me: I'm crying too
Me: but I know why
Me: you're probably just crying because you're drunk
Me: good night
What he said in that little segment shocked me. I really didn't know how to handle it so I tried to talk to him the next day (yesterday) at first I told him he was stupid for saying that and he informed me that he was trying to block the conversation out of his mind. I couldn't get what he said out of my mind for the rest of the day though so I decided to talk to him once again and ask him why exactly he regretted breaking up with me. When he said it was mostly because he misses having an intimate relationship with someone that isn't retarded it made it easier for me to cope with what he said. For some reason knowing that he feels that way makes it easier for me to forget about him. I like that he feels the same way I do about having a relationship right now, and even though it was a mistake for him to say it, I think it's going to work out for the best.
The third thing that's happened in the last couple of days would be that P3 actually spoke to me and was nice about it. It was only a brief conversation, but at least he didn't ignore me.
The fourth thing that happened is not as good as everything else. For a while I had thought that P1 was ignoring me. When I mentioned it to him yesterday he got super defensive and wanted to know why. When I tried to explain it the conversation just got worse so I just told him that I was going to leave and do homework.
Later that night I decided to get back online and send him a message explaining everything that had happened. When he responded to the message I discovered that my friend Kitten had tried to be protective of me and talk to him too. That ended up going super badly (like it always does) and now P1 was self destructive again. Right now I have to deal with him, and Kitten, and now another guy, Javelin.
I want that drama to end, but I'm thankful for everything else going right.
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