Back to Willamette

Yesterday, or I guess now that it's 2am that it would be the day before yesterday, I journeyed back to college.

I was pretty happy and excited to go back the night before, plus my sleep schedule was messed up, so I didn't get much sleep Friday night. I had planned on going to bed early because I had to be up early, so I went to sleep around midnight. The problem was, was that I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't sleep any more. So I laid in bed until 7am, then I got up and took a shower.

The reason I had to get up so early anyway was because I was going to go see the Harry Potter Exhibition with my Dad and brother before I left for school. So when my brother showed up at my dad's house, I packed the car with all of my college stuff, and then we took off to the Pacific Science Center. My dad is a member of this special club there so we got to have a free breakfast and free admission to the Harry Potter Exhibit. The breakfast is always good so Travis (My brother) and I always look forward to it. I was also particularly excited for the exhibit and so within 15 minutes of sitting down to eat, I was already up and ready to go.

We wandered up to the exhibit and we were the first ones in line. They gave us little remotes that would, if we held them up to our ear, would tell us about different things in the exhibit. When it was finally time to enter, everyone all went into the exhibit together and we crowded around the sorting hat. The lady standing next to the sorting hat called for three volunteers, who in turn were sorted into Griffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Then we moved on into a huge room that was filled with several TV screens mounted on the walls. They played various scenes from the different movies and when it was done the wall behind us opened up into the actual exhibit. It took my family and me about half an hour to go through the exhibit and it was really awesome. My favorite part was standing in front of Voldemort's costume and hearing him talk to me right behind my head (they had a focused sound spot). It was pretty awesome.

After we left the exhibit, we drove back to my dad's house to drop my brother off and then we were off again, this time to Willamette. The car ride went by fairly fast because my dad and I were talking the whole time. I always like car rides with him because that's the time when we're really able to catch up. I love my dad so much, and being away from home makes me realize just how much he loves me. Even though I didn't grow up in his household, I know that he's probably played the biggest part in molding me to be who I am today.

When we finally arrived in Salem around 2pm we had a couple of errands to run so we went to Costco so I could get some frosted mini wheats, and then off to Wal Mart so that I could get toiletries. After the errands were done my dad took me to my school and I unloaded the car. Then I hugged my dad goodbye and went in to settle down.

I was the second one back, so the normally rowdy dorm was super quiet. I decided to just unpack all of my stuff and hope that more people would show up by the time I was done. As I finished one more person showed up but it wasn't that much to interest me. I took my laptop anyway though and went out into the lounge to hang out. I watched as slowly people started to arrive. By the end of the day there were plenty of people to hang out with and so we went into the TV room and played Glee Karaoke. After a couple of hours playing the game it was 2 am and so I went to bed and slept for 12 hours.

Overall it was a pretty awesome day, there were a few details though that stand out that I haven't mentioned yet.

The first of which is the fact that my friend Kitten from the first semester informed me that she wants to distance herself from me more this semester. She kept talking about how she doesn't want to come back, and then to have her tell me that makes me think that it's partially my fault, and I'm pretty sure in her mind it is. When she finally arrived at the dorm though, she acted no differently than she had before. I really don't know what to make of it yet.

The second thing that happened is that someone who used to be my friend but then became completely psycho and crazy decided to text me and ask to be friends again. Drama had been a really good friend of mine for six years prior, when all of the sudden she decided that everything I did was out to get her. She believed that I hated her and that I told everyone else to hate her too. When it got so bad that every time I talked to her it seemed to just end up in a big fight with both of us crying, I decided to just stop talking to her. A month after I decided that her boyfriend wrote incredibly cruel things about my boyfriend and me on a friends wall, and so my other friends boyfriend sent him death threats (he also had been slandered). The parents then decided to get involved, and even though I hadn't said anything to Drama in a month, they came to my house when I wasn't even home and yelled at my parents. They said that I did really bitchy things to Drama, even though I hadn't done any of them. I decided to continue not speaking to Drama, and life got a little easier for me. Drama at one point demanded that I take down all of my pictures of her because she didn't want to be associated with me and I refused because that would mean taking down basically every picture from high school. She got pissed and just decided to block me. I didn't hear from her after that until last night.

Drama informed me last night that she was changing. That she was on heavy anti-depressant drugs and that she saw a therapist several times a week. Right now I'm not sure whether to trust her or not, but I've decided to give her a chance. I never stopped caring about her, and I really truly do hope that she's changed.

A Broken Hearted History Part 6

This is the final part to this section. After this I think I'll start actually writing about my every day life, and if need be I'll fill in the other drama in my life that's occurred in the last 8 months, but I just don't feel like it now.

So the story of P2 isn't one that's sad at all. I turned to liking him when I got soundly rejected from P1. P2 is an incredibly smart sweet boy who enjoys doing a lot of the same things as me. I honestly have no physical attraction to him (even though he isn't horrible looking) but I can't help crushing on him a little bit because of how sweet he is. I like that he's completely nerdy and that he's always there to help. Though he might not end up as my boyfriend some day, I know he and I will be great friends. He knows how to listen, and not many people know how to do that anymore. He simply listens without analyzing everything, listens without feeling the need to judge on my actions. Even though I've only known him for four months, I'm pretty sure I'd trust him with any secret I have.

P2 and I like to ask each other questions just for the sake of asking. We are both incredible curious about other people's lives, and so when we get together we are almost always constantly asking each other questions. The other day I decided to ask him if he had a crush on a girl. He said he had the potential to, but he didn't really. I asked who the girl was, and he told me it was another girl from our dorm. Surprisingly, I wasn't crushed by this revelation. I prefer that he doesn't like me back because I wouldn't ever want to ruin the friendship I have with him by dating him. He is worth much more to me than a boy to cuddle with.

Of course after I asked the question of who he liked, he reciprocated. I felt compelled to tell him the truth, but I made him guess first given the hint that he was the person closest to the guy I liked. When he guessed himself he was slightly unsure, but I confirmed it. The way he took the news makes me like him even more as a friend. He didn't freak out at all, he didn't assume that we weren't going to be able to be friends anymore. Instead he just took it in stride and told me that he was flattered but that he didn't have the same feelings for me. We talked a little bit after that but it really didn't feel like any distance had grown between us like it normally does when someone reveals their affection for another person and that person doesn't reciprocate.

This boy is incredibly kind and sweet, and I hope he finds peace and happiness some day.

P3 is a bit of a different story. He is a year younger than me and thus still in high school. The first time I met him it was at church camp and he liked to flirt with me constantly. I wasn't apposed to flirting back with him, but my friend Hot-Head most certainly was. She'd find ways to separate him and me on the trip and pull me out of conversations with him, so even though I could tell he liked me I never actually went anywhere with him.

Last year I had one class with him, but during the class he mostly seemed to either be trying to get over another girl that had been incredibly cruel to him or to be constantly flirting with the other girl that hung out with us. I decided that even though I had a baby crush on him I wouldn't let it get anywhere. Instead I focused on B3 and everything about him. Later on I found out that apparently P3 had a crush on me the majority of that semester and only flirted with the other girl because I didn't seem like I liked him.

Now P3 isn't the most attractive boy on the planet, but he's not the ugliest either. Over the summer he started working out with the Marines and he worked on a barge lifting heavy objects every day, so needless to say he lost a lot of weight. By the time I saw him over this winter break he had lost 60 lbs. He looked incredible compared to how he looked before. Now he was exactly the body type I go for in a boy (tall and with just enough pudge on stomach to cover up the muscles that he had). He still had a pretty bad acne problem, but acne doesn't bother me that much because I too tend to have an acne problem.

For about a month before winter break P3 and I had been talking quite a bit. He was frustrated with his love life because right now (and then) it was non-exhistant and he knew he wouldn't get one before he shipped out with the Marines this July. I talked to him and let him vent, and in return he let me vent about my own love life problems. By the time break rolled around P3 wanted to see me again. I said ok, and so the Monday after I came home I went to hang out at his house.

His house surprised me with how clean and proper it was. He had a beautiful home that was perfectly organized with no toys or crap just lying around like my house has. His room surprised me as well. All he had in it was his couch, TV, game station, and computer. I expected him to have a lot more military paraphernalia but there was pretty much nothing in his room.

When I first got there we just went up to his room and talked for a good two hours at least. When our conversation started dieing he brought out his x-box and we started playing Halo together. I was absolutely horrible but I honestly was having a lot of fun. After I played one game where I utterly sucked though, P3 decided to turn that off and put on a movie from netflix. We decided to watch StarTrek and during the movie leaned back to rest my head on the cushions of the couch. He apparently though I looked uncomfortable so he kept asking if I was ok. I of course was quite content and told him so, but he didn't really believe me. At one point he told me that I could rest my head on his shoulder, but I honestly didn't want to cuddle with him because I didn't want to let myself have feelings for him again before I went back to school and he went off into the Military.

Later on that night after I left he started texting me and asking if I liked him. My response was that I wouldn't let myself like him because I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again. He said that that didn't really matter and when I asked if he liked me he said that he did. We then decided that we were going to become cuddle buddies over the break. That's the way it started anyway. We tried to plan days when we could cuddle with each other, but with me working it was difficult that first week. Later on I suggested many days that we could get together, and initially he agreed to them but when it came to the actual day he would flake on me. He flaked on me a total of 5 times over the break, but the last one was the worst.

He had promised that we were going to hang out the Sunday before last and so I took extra care getting ready that day. He texted me around 1 that he was excited to have time with me that day, but when I went to take a shower and get ready, afterwards he didn't text me for the rest of the day. I was incredibly upset because he had texted me constantly for two weeks and then he just suddenly stopped texting on a day when I was supposed to hang out with him.

Later on I found out that he had had some family issues that caused him to stop texting me, but even after he told me that he still didn't text me much. I started wondering if there had been something that I had done wrong, but when I asked him he told me I hadn't. I asked him if that's the case then why did he just suddenly stop texting me completely. His response was that his life was hell at the current time and that he just didn't want to text me. Even now I still think I must have done something wrong to piss him off or something, but the time is gone now to hang out with him so P3 is officially in the past. I do hope I can still be friends again with him someday, but the chance of having a cuddle buddy has gone.

So right now, it's been made pretty clear that no matter how hard I want a guy to date or even simply cuddle with, I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Hopefully when I'm back in college tomorrow I'll be able to forget this and just immerse myself in school work and fun. Probably more of the latter... :)

A Broken Hearted History Part 5

Ok so the next part of the story isn't nearly as hard for me as the rest of my story was. This part did cause me a lot of pain though, but I'm mostly over it now. At least for the time being anyway. When I go back to college in two days I'm not so sure I'll still be over it depending on how my friends act.

So, like I mentioned in an earlier post, the week B3 broke up with me my brain decided to try and cope by crushing on a new boy. I think my brain picked him because he seemed like he had the most in common with me and at first his physical attributes really attracted me.

P1 is about 6ft 2in (I think) and pretty fit (meaning no six pack, but no man boobs or beer belly). He was also pretty athletic and always seemed to be happy and smiling. He is incredibly smart which is no surprise considering he is majoring in math. I honestly believe that even if my brain weren't trying to find someone to replace B3, I might have developed a crush on P1 anyway.

My friend Kitten thought that it would be good for me to crush on a boy to forget about B3 and so she tried to get me and P1 together as much as possible. Every night the three of us would play games together and I would flirt a lot. We had a lot of fun playing games and just talking that after a while we grew pretty close.

One day, P1 decided to go into a room with another friend of mine, Gossip. Gossip was of course known for gossiping a lot, and Kitten didn't really like him all that much. She believe that he was pretty mean and she really didn't like that P1 went off into another room to talk to him. For the next couple of days her trust in P1 started getting worse and worse, and the two of them started arguing. I ended up being in the middle of a lot of the arguments because I was friends with both of them, but it wasn't that bad.

One evening when Kitten went to bed earlier than P1 and me the two of us stayed up talking. P1 started venting to me a little but about his frustrations with Kitten, and I decided to just ask him if he liked her. He didn't really want to answer, but I could tell that he did. He had been flirting with her a lot in the recent days, and one night when we all had a "sleep over" out in one of the big rooms he kept trying to get her to cuddle with him. After a little bit of cajoling, I was finally able to get him to admit that he liked her. He was incredible confused as to why she had suddenly started hanging out with him when the previous year she had basically ignored him. I informed him that it was kind of my fault. I admitted I had a crush on him (I told him I used to, but that it was gone by this point). He didn't really respond to this at the time but from that point on he tried to use me as a go between with him and Kitten.

The two of them kept fighting on and off for another week and P1 was incredibly frustrated. By this time I started to notice just how emotional he was. He had been hurt pretty severely by his previous girl friends, and his family history wasn't pleasant either. Anyone could tell that he was unstable and it seemed to get even worse now that he had a girl to go after.

After one particularly bad argument with Kitten, P1 ran off in a huff. Kitten didn't seem to upset by it, just incredibly confused and it was rather late by this time so she went to bed. I went upstairs to comfort P1 and he asked me point blank whether Kitten liked him. The day before I had asked that same question of Kitten and she had told me no. Not to mention that she had just gotten out of a relationship of two years and didn't feel ready to date yet. I told P1 this information and he seemed pretty upset, but not as unstable as he had seemed before. I then asked him if I was allowed to tell Kitten that he had liked her, and he said he would prefer me not to, but if it helped then I was more than welcome to.

The next day I tried to calm Kitten down a bit with her confusion and make her realize that he liked her, and finally when she just wouldn't believe me I told her the truth. That he had told me the week prior that he has liked her for a year. In that moment she changed her opinion and told me that she actually did like him like that, it was just that she didn't have as much of a physical attraction that she had had with previous boyfriends.

I felt bad after that conversation and so went back to tell P1 that I had screwed up and that there was still a chance for him. I showed him the entire conversation I'd had with her (it was a Facebook conversation), but in the chat I admitted that I still liked him. He read the whole thing but didn't seem to react to it much. Instead when it was done he just hurried up downstairs to talk to Kitten and smooth things over.

I stayed up later that night hoping that they would come up and fill me in, but by the time it hit 3am I figured it was just better to go to bed. The next day P1 had a D&D game to go to in a different city, so he wasn't around. I heard from Kitten that the conversation between the two of them had gone pretty smoothly and that they were once again on friendly terms. She also told me that he wanted to talk to me when he got back. I didn't really want to talk to him, but both him and Kitten insisted.

Kitten caught me upset that night when I was in my room and told P1 about it. He decided he couldn't wait to tell me exactly how he felt about me until he got back. He decided to tell me over Facebook that he really wasn't interested in me like that. That he thought I was a good friend and didn't think I could ever be anything more with him. I was upset because I still liked him, but I accepted it.

For the next 3 weeks Kitten and P1 flirted constantly but said that they weren't a couple. It took a lot of effort to get them to admit that they were actually dating. Finally after a long weekend they agreed that they were dating. It took another 3 weeks to get them to admit that they were a couple. The person holding back on all of the titles the whole time was Kitten because she didn't want other people to judge her as jumping into a new relationship so fast. Even with this every person in the dorm knew it was rebound. Everyone knows exactly how Kitten acts and that there would be no actual possibility of survival with this couple. Both Kitten and P1 knew everyone's opinions on this, but that didn't stop them from trying.

When they finally started dating it started getting more and more awkward for me. I was (and am) not over B3 yet and so it was difficult to be the only other person in the room with them when they started cuddling, or on the rare occasion sneaking a kiss when I looked away. They didn't realize that I could hear their kisses and that it was still just as awkward.

Their relationship was rocky even before it started. These two were just not built for each other. P1 was incredibly emotional, but Kitten was closed off. Where P1 wanted to talk about their problems, Kitten wanted to just ignore them and let them disappear. This caused so many conflicts between the two of them that it seemed to me that they were almost always upset. To them though, the very few good days that they had together trumped all bad ones. They just wouldn't admit that they were not good for each other.

Two weeks before winter break, the inevitable happened. Kitten grew so frustrated with P1 that she was literally having small panic attacks. She was super sick for about a month, and when she finally went to the doctor they prescribed her with 3 different antibiotics and a couple of nose sprays for a sinus infection. She was so stressed during this time and P1 just kept making it worse. She finally snapped (after quite a bit of fighting) and said that she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She didn't say the words "I am breaking up with you" though, so P1 just assumed that she was upset and that they were still a couple. I would tell him that they were through, but he wouldn't listen to me. Instead he kept pestering her trying to talk to her some more. By this point she was trying as hard as she could to avoid him and ignore him.

P1 was an emotional wreck during this time. Sometimes he would stay up late at night just bawling down in the basement and I would try and comfort him. I hated this so much because no matter what I did he wouldn't accept it because I wasn't the right girl. Every single time I tried to help him he said he just didn't care. He needed Kitten to be the one to say everything that I was saying to him. One night I even dragged Kitten downstairs and fed her lines to say to him, and all of the sudden he stopped crying and was much better. It hurt me so much knowing that even though I really cared for him I could do absolutely nothing to help him, but I couldn't stop trying.

When I finally got Kitten to tell P1 point blank that they were no longer a couple things just got even worse for me. Both of them started to avoid each other, and I got pulled in between the two of them. Both of them needed my help, but I felt that P1 needed it more because he was the one that wasn't eating anything at all and sleeping all day. I would spend every spare minute I had trying to cajole him into eating or even just talking. I swear, I don't think he showered for an entire week. It was pretty disgusting.

This was also right around the time that we were shopping for Christmas gifts. I was excited because I knew exactly what to get Kitten, and I knew that P1 would be easy to shop for. When I mentioned to P1 that I was excited for what I had gotten Kitten he responded "Omg I'm so sorry, I forgot to get you a present." This hurt a lot because I had thought we were really close and I figured that he would think about me on occasion, but this was proof that he really didn't do that. When I told Kitten about this she got pretty upset and started texting him right away, yelling at him for not thinking about me even though I'd been basically nursing him for the past week. I got more upset because I didn't want her making him more upset, especially if it was on my account, but the message got through anyway.

P1 decided that he needed to go shopping to get Kitten a more appropriate Christmas present and he wanted me to go with him to pick something out. When I went with him though it was right at dinner time, and Kitten got upset because I was once again hanging out with him and not her. She thought that I was abandoning her and that I would soon ditch her like all of her friends back home had done. When P1 found out that she was upset about it he told me to just go back. He didn't want her upset anymore, but I was pissed because she was making me pick between her and P1, so I refused to go back.

Over the next couple of days the anger from the two of them just seemed to increase. P1 still wouldn't really accept my help no matter what I tried, and Kitten was upset that I would spend so much time with P1. It got to a point that no matter what I did I was hurting someone and it made me crazy. This also happened to be on a day when I had a final that I thought I had failed. That final was worth 30% of my grade so I was sure that I had failed that test. By the end of the day I was a mess. I could hardly keep it together, but I told myself I had to so that I could help Kitten and P1. The sad part is, is that I couldn't keep it together.

That night I had decided to hang out with Kitten until midnight, and then pretend to go to bed. When I "went to bed" what I really did was change into pj's and then sneak up the back stairs to P1s room to play video games with him. When he went downstairs to grab games and some water he started talking to Kitten. Kitten started to vent to him that she was upset because I wasn't spending enough time with her and that she thought that she was being left out. P1 felt the need to play peacemaker now and come upstairs and tell me what she had said. That just about ruined it for me and I started to tear up. I HATE crying in front of people so I quickly started heading back to my own room. He had to go talk to Kitten again anyway, but he texted me a little while later and asked if I was ok. I said I wasn't, and we both ended up going to the basement to talk. I tried to keep it together the best I could, but in the end I broke down. P1 just didn't know what to do, so he went upstairs and grabbed Kitten to come downstairs and talk to me. As soon as she saw me she went into mother mode. She talked to me and eventually it got better. The three of us started having a decent conversation -- the best one in weeks -- and it seemed like we were finally starting to mend.

After a couple of hours being happy together I asked if it would be ok if I went to bed. The two of them seemed like they were going to be up a while longer, but I was super tired after having such an emotional day and I needed to sleep. I also didn't want to just leave them though because I wasn't sure they could handle each other alone at the moment. Kitten told me I could go, and eventually with some prodding P1 told me to go to bed as well.

When I left though, P1 just couldn't hold his questions in any longer. He started asking Kitten difficult questions that she didn't know the answers to. She started getting flustered and frustrated again, and P1 ended up crying. He texted me even though he knew I was going to sleep and that text messages would wake me up that he was upset and needed help. When I woke up and read the text I grabbed my blankets and pillows and went downstairs to comfort him. By this time it was about 7am, and it took about a half an hour to calm him down enough to start breathing normally again. I didn't want to leave him though, so I asked him to study his homework in the room while I curled up in a corner and went to sleep. Kitten had left while P1 was crying, and so P1 agreed to do it. He had recently started doing some of the things I asked because he knew it frustrated me to know end that I never seemed to actually be able to help him. So he studied for his math test later that day and I slept in a corner. At about 9am he got up and decided he was done studying and that he needed some sleep. When he got up and said my name I was instantly awake even though I had been hard asleep before, and so I relocated to my bed to sleep some more.

After that night the two of them seemed to realize though the amount of stress they put on me and so they stopped fighting over me so much, but I could tell that it was still there. I tried my hardest to please both of them, but that was hard to do. When winter break finally came I was more than happy to go home. I wanted to have a break from the drama of these two friends, but now that the break is almost over I'm worried how they'll act when I go back to school in two days.

I continue the stories of P2 and P3 in my next blog. It should be much easier to explain them because not much has come from them, and they haven't exactly lasted that long -- especially P3.

A Broken Hearted History Part 4

 Once again I couldn't sleep so instead I'll continue writing.


That last weekend I spent with B3 before he broke up with me was rather strange. I remember feeling the whole time like something wasn't right. It wasn't exactly that we were fighting, but it seemed like the general attitude that B3 had towards me had changed, but I couldn't be sure because it seemed like he would be weird one moment and then sweet the next. At the end of the weekend right before I left he even offered me his shirt. That moment is the moment that confused me the most. I couldn't understand why he would offer me his shirt to take if he had intended to break up with me. The simple answer is this: he didn't intend to break up with me.


When I was busy driving home, B3 was busy contemplating everything that had gone on that weekend and his feelings towards me. He too had thought that things were strange, and the conclusion he drew after about a day's thinking on it was that he simply didn't love me the way he once did. He felt that the long distance of our relationship had made a gap grow between the two of us. Our break up conversation goes as follows:

Jabber IM with B3h <-1353520356@chat.facebook.com>9/20/10 11:59 PM

B3: hey

Me: Hi

Me: Decided not to sleep?

B3: no i can't

Me: Oh, I'm sorry

9/21/10

B3: yeah well we need to talk...

Me: mmkay

Me: go for it

Me: btw... I am really sorry I got clingy

Me: I thought about that later

Me: I was being dumb

B3: no it isn't clingy

B3: i am not sure long distance can work for us....

Me: why?

B3: because it isn't working for us right now

Me: we haven't fought since last Tuesday...

B3: you are more my friend that visits commonly than a gf it feels like

B3: it isn't fights

Me: Oh

Me: You don't feel the same way about me that you did before

B3: to be completely honest yesh

Me: ok

Me: Did you just discover this this weekend

B3: i want you to understand that i still stand by what i say i love you

Me: or was it before that

B3: but as a friend

B3: i would not have had u come if i had discovered it before then

B3: that would have been a waste of money

Me: Is that why you didn't go further?

B3: patially

B3: and i felt like when u were here u were just a girl that i was doing things with

B3: i feel like the distance has caused us to grow apart

Me: so you really don't like me like that anymore

B3: and that has cut the gf/bf part out of our relationship

Me: Just so you know, it's not an us thing

Me: it's a you thing

Me: I still like you that way

Me: but I don't want to be in a relationship unless the feeling is mutual

B3: yeah that is what i am saying

B3: i feel like this is what has happened

B3: at least for me

Me: mmaky

Me: I"m sorry

Me: I'm going to miss you

B3: well no i still want to talk

B3: i understand if it may take you some time...

Me: you won't talk nearly as much

Me: and there are now topics that can't be discussed

Me: you have no obligation to talk to me

B3: no i will talk as often as u want

Me: and as a friend i have an obligation as i always have

B3: i just don't feel like we are a couple anymore it is my brain and it is my fault/distances fault for it

B3: i would still love to hang and go to shows as friends

Me: Now all visits are gone

Me: you'll never see Willamette

B3: no i may come see it

B3: but not as a bf and when i can pay for it...

B3: omg i hate this because i know you are crying

Me: you don't know that...

B3: and i still care for you sooo much

B3: idk i also feel like our relationship has devolved into sex

Me: I felt like that last week

Me: which is why I was trying to talk to you about that

B3: i know but i feel like we have lost things in common

B3: we don't have anything to talk about except for school that day and sex things

Me: we have everything in common

Me: it's that we know eachother too much

B3: we can't talk about our like of musturd...

Me: lol

B3: i mean everyday things

B3: we have lost them 

Me: ok

B3: omg i fucking hate this

B3: this is nothing like i have ever had to deal with before...

Me: I'm sorry

B3: because i still like you but i feel like the distance had killed the romance persay

Me: that's kind of what distance does

Me: the people that work through it have to try to find other means of romance

Me: my friend has done it for two years

B3: yeah and i am a person the relies on romance so i can't handle it personally

B3: i know but i don't have the means too

B3: i have romantic things planned but they don't work money wise

Me: I don't care about money

Me: I haven't ever cared about that

Me: you know that

Me: I dislike when you pay for stuff

B3: i know

B3: but i am saying that i don't know how to be romantic without money

Me: I think that you just talking to me is romantic

Me: a postcard in the mail is romantic

Me: you calling me boo is romatic

B3: yeah well it isn't romantic for me

B3: none of that is

Me: did you want me to be more romantic towards you?

B3: i am saying for me it just wasn't working

B3: idk what it was exactly

B3: i think it was a combination of several things

B3: and i truly hope this will be a good break up i know a lot of them get messy but i want you to know that i am still your close friend that you can run anything by whether it be bf probs down to piddly shit that you go through every day

Me: I"m the same for you

Me: ok

Me: I don't intend for this to be a mean breakup

Me: not at all

B3: ok well i would hope not...my last one was and i hated it i honestly wish we still talked

B3: but you know how that goes

B3: or went i mean

Me: yeah

B3: i am not sure whether you know this but i still talk to every ex and all of them have talked to me about bf's at some point

Me: yes you've told me about that

B3: so don't feel awkward to ask even if u want ot pick a guy up i will help

Me: I wouldn't do that

B3: i know you are too proper and think it is mean or bad

Me: No

Me: I just wouldn't do it

B3: but i want you to know that if u want to everything up to that is welcome jut don't mention sex life...

Me: I wouldn't

B3: lol i know you wouldn't i am just joking

B3: technically neither of us have a sex life...

Me: jokes don't really work right now...

B3: i am sorry that is how i handle hard situations 

B3: i will let  you alone and won't bug you until u feel comfortable talking to me again

Me: no

Me: I'm fine talking to you

B3: just know i am here for you and i am sorry for causing you pain and that i truly care about your well being

B3: ok

Me: ok

B3: well i am going to go lay in bed and cry myself for a little

Me: ok

B3: i just can't live a lie

Me: I understand

Me: and I'm glad you aren't

B3: ok ttyl maybe tomorrow

Me: ok

Me: Good Night

It seems like to me though that he went back on every single thing that he said in that conversation later on. We had several conversations after that one, and not a single one of them were even close to being as kind hearted as that one was. To this date I haven't had a single conversation with him where I haven't ended up crying afterwards, whats worse is the fact that I also can't stop talking to him. I also can't help but blame myself every single time something goes wrong, even though logically it isn't my fault at all. In this relationship, it wasn't the break up that ruined our friendship, it was the after affects. Looking back on it now though, I'd have to say that it is mostly his fault because he basically lied to me throughout the entire break up. He will never again talk to me as much as I want. He will never go see a movie with me again. He will never visit my school. I know that he doesn't love me anymore even though he said he did. I know all of these things because of where our friendship stands right now.

The very next day (or actually later in the day after we'd slept and fallen asleep) I tried to have a conversation with him. He was pretty short with me and didn't really seem like he wanted to talk, but I desperately needed to hear from him more than ever. He was the one that I felt would be able to keep me from falling to pieces, but instead he just ripped me into smaller bits. Every time I would try to talk to him he'd limit his responses or sometimes not even respond at all. After a while I started to annoy him even more because I kept trying to talk to him and he just wanted me to leave him alone, but he never actually told me this. He expected me to just assume that that would happen even though he'd told me that he would still talk to me as much as I wanted. 

I did cause a little bit of a problem with our friendship that week though. There was another boy living in my dorm that had caught my attention. This boy ended up being P1, but I think that my attentions were drawn to him so fast after the break up because my mind was trying to cope. The problem is, is that I felt extremely conflicted in my feelings towards P1 and B3, and I felt that only B3 would be able to help me sort them out. I tried to talk to him the next day about it, but that conversation really didn't go well. I figured that because his main reason for breaking up with me was because he didn't love me, that he wouldn't mind if I started to like another guy, but I needed him to confirm it. He didn't confirm it at all, instead he got super upset because I liked a guy so soon after our break up. To him it felt like because I liked a new guy so soon that none of my feelings in our actual relationship could have been real and that I had lied to him. I hurt him so much in that conversation and I truly regret it with all of my heart. The sad part is, is that that isn't the worst thing I did to him after the break up.

(I honestly don't understand. If he broke up with me because he didn't love me anymore, why would it hurt him if I liked another boy? It seems to me that even his reason for breaking up with me was a lie.)

After a few more days of him ignoring me I just couldn't stand it anymore. I started basically yelling at him about how I just want to talk to him but he is always acting like an ass and ditching me or completely ignoring me. He said a couple of things deliberately that he knew would harm me in order to bait me into a larger fight. I responded whole heartedly and ended up insulting him in a way a man should never be insulted. I wounded his pride completely, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that.

After that it was impossible to have a civil conversation. At one point I had decided that since we weren't acting like friends then I should un friend him on Facebook. That turned out to be a bigger problem than I expected. I had also decided that I would send him a message after Halloween weekend in order to inform him of why I un friended him, and to let him know that as soon as he was ready to act like a friend again I would be more than happy to re-friend him. The problem is is that two of our friends met back home and ended up having a small cat fight. I heard one side of the story and B3 heard another. B3 felt that he needed to talk to me, so he sent me a message over Facebook and said we needed to talk. We talked through Skype and he told me that I needed to tell my friends not to slander him. I told him that I defend him to every single one of my friends and I hate it when they say mean things about him, but that he needed to tell his friend not to talk about me badly either. He didn't believe me, but he said "whatever, you unfriended me anyway". That was the time when I informed him that I unfriended him because we didn't act like friends and that I was going to send him a message later on explaining everything. He said "it had better be a pretty damn good message" but told me to send it anyway.

After I sent him the message, things started going smoother between the two of us. He seemed to have forgiven me for insulting him so badly, but that didn't mean that all of our conversations went well. For the next month there was still extreme tension in our chats, and every now and then I could tell that he was baiting me. He kept talking about things that he knew would make me upset or angry, and he just didn't seem to care.

About a week before Thanksgiving though our conversations started to change a little bit. Every now and then he would have a nice, kind chat with me and I would be utterly shocked. Over Thanksgiving break we actually had the longest conversation yet, and through the entire thing he was super nice to me. I didn't know how to handle it, and I could literally feel myself cringing, waiting for the attack to come -- but it never did. When he went back to school though, the cruel chats from him started up again. He purposefully upset me, and then talked about how he loved to just mess with my head. Then two hours later he would talk to me again and be kind. He was so bi-polar that I didn't know what to think about the conversations.

A week before winter vacation I found out why those conversations were so bi-polar. Apparently his roommate liked to help yell at me after our break up, and because B3 was so hurt he would just let him do it. After a while he started to tell his roommate to stop, but his roommate really liked to mess with my head. B3 also gets super involved in his video games and so says yes to basically any question asked of him without even listen to the question. Apparently his roommate would ask him while he was playing video games if he could mess with me, and B3 would just automatically say yes. So for the entire month after Thanksgiving and for some of the conversations before that it was actually his ass of a roommate being a jack ass to me. 

Even though I know that it was his roommate, my trust in B3 is still ruined. He LET his roommate mess with me, which is completely wrong, and throughout the whole time I thought it was him being the jerk. I hope someday I will have enough trust in him to be a good friend, but right now I still cringe and cry when I talk to him.

I was supposed to hang out with him over break, but I think I ruined that because of how much of a mess I am when it concerns him. He told me we would hang out, but then he had to cancel because he was getting his wisdom teeth out (a legitimate excuse). I was finally ready to see him in person for the first time since before he had broken up with me, and he canceled on me. I told him that I was upset that I didn't get to see him, but that just caused more problems between the two of us. He told me that if I want to see him, then I should visit WSU and go to a party with him. Honestly, I don't want to do this because I don't want my first experience of him after the break up to be of when he's getting drunk. That just isn't right in my mind.

So, that's about where my problems stand with him right now. I'll write about all my drama with the potentials in the next blog. (Just remember that the drama with the potentials is going on at the exact same time as everything from this blog)

P.S. there are a lot of other problems that occurred between B3 and me that I didn't include in this blog. There are so many that it would be impossible to remember all of them. I just know, that one of the biggest issues was that I would show my friends the conversations I had with him, and they started disliking him. He keeps reiterating the point that he never told anyone anything bad about our break up and doesn't ever talk about me anymore. I've screwed up, and I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts in this blog instead of just telling all of my friends I won't ruin any other friendships.

A Broken Hearted History Part 3

I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to continue telling my story.

There were some things I forgot to mention in the last post. The first of which is the fact that B3 was incredibly sweet and romantic all of the time. Giving me a rose when we first started dating was not the only time I got a rose from him. For my birthday he gave me a dozen roses that I let die and then put all of the petals (that still held their shape) into a basket. He also gave me a rose that he had actually grown from his own plant. It was the first rose that had bloomed that year, sadly I forgot it at his house that day and wasn't able to press it like I had done with the first rose. The next rose he gave me was a replacement for the one that I had left at his house. He gave it to me right before he left for college.

One day I intend to make a scrap book of roses where one page will be dedicated to my Grandmother (rose from her funeral), my step-mother (a rose from her garden), and to B3. Roses have a symbolic meaning specifically to me, and even without knowing it B3 stumbled upon it. I love roses because they are love in and of themselves.

Another thing I forgot to mention was that when B3 and I didn't go outside at his house, we ended up inside cuddling on his bed while watching movies. For the first two months when we were inside all we did was watch the movie, completely innocent, but after the second month anniversary we ended up not actually watching the movie so much. It was during those movie sessions that I learned a lot and discovered more about myself.

Now to continue with the story that I was telling before:

After B3 went to college there was a lot of tension between the two of us. The week leading up to him leaving I was extremely clingy and wanted to spend every moment I could with him, but he was the opposite and claimed that we needed to adjust to seeing each other less and less so that it wasn't as big of a shock when we had to go a month without seeing each other. I thought that was a load of BS and said so, but B3 didn't really respond to it that much. He just put his foot down and said that we were only allowed to hang out 3 times in the last week and a half before he left.

The week after we left there was something a little bit off about our relationship but it wasn't entirely too bad. After a while I started to miss him and jokingly suggested that I visit him the following weekend. Well, what started out as a joke ended up becoming an actual idea. I was home alone so I had to make sure that someone else would take care of the animals while I was gone, and I had to figure out how to get to WSU from my home, but I was determined to visit him. Two days before I left though B3 and I had another argument. He really wanted to work out with me but i'm so insecure with my body that I don't feel comfortable working out in front of someone that I actually like. I also have never really lifted weights and he wanted to do that during the work out. Another problem I kept thinking of would be showering afterwards. I didn't want to go up to a different floor in his dorm filled with girls that I don't know to shower. It just sounded super awkward and I simply didn't want to experience that. I told him absolutely no to working out with him and that frustrated the hell  out of him. He also wanted me to go to a party with him which is something else I was horribly uncomfortable with. I have never actually danced with a guy, and I don't want my first time to be during a drunk-fest. He didn't understand that but he was more accepting of that than of me saying no to working out with him. By the end of the conversation he had basically told me to just stay home. I was so upset by this that I tried to ignore him the rest of the night, but that didn't work because he was determined to fix our argument. When I got back online for us to talk about it the problem was mostly resolved. I told him I didn't really care whether we played video games all night so long as I was with him.

When I actually visited him more problems seemed to arise. At first it seemed like he was completely ignoring me because he was playing video games the whole time and not even talking to me, so I got frustrated. When he said that he was going to go work out I said "ok, I'll go see my friend then" because I had promised another friend, Loud-Mouth, that I was going to go visit her. He got pissed and just said "fine", so I left and went to visit my friend. I ended up having dinner with her and then afterwards when I called B3 to let me back into his building he said "Not right now, I'm in the middle of a game." I got annoyed and decided to just sneak into his building when someone else opened the door. When I got upstairs he wasn't there and I asked his roommate where he was. Apparently he was just joking and he had gone to let me in.

That night we ended up going to a party that ended up being a dud. The whole time B3's group of friends kept scouting out girls and pointing out their good and bad qualities. Needless to say it didn't do well for my own self confidence and I started to get more upset. After all the guys had decided that the party was dumb and boring they went to play video games at some other guys apartment. On the way there I stopped and mumbled to B3 that I didn't want to play video games anymore. He stopped walking and told me to just tell him what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't really know what to do so he got even more frustrated. He texted his friends to just go on without him and he and I started walking back to his dorm room. He was upset on the walk back and so was I so we got into yet another argument. Thankfully by the time we got back to his dorm the argument was resolved. The rest of the night ended up being a good time. We "watched a movie" and we ended up going to bed around 3 am.

I didn't sleep well that night because of cramped up limbs, but I loved being able to fall asleep cuddling the guy I loved. I also was terrified that I'd fall off of his bunked bed, but that didn't bother me too much with his arms around me. I woke up early the next day though because I couldn't sleep well and we ended up fooling around again even though his roommate was in the room. B3 asked his roommate later if he had heard anything, and thankfully he hadn't. I left around 11am and had a safe trip home.

Due to the fact that I was clingy during the week leading up to B3's departure and that I was unwilling to do the things that he wanted to do with me when I visited him B3 started to become more and more annoyed with me. When B3 becomes annoyed with someone he starts to ignore them. After that I became more and more upset with him because he wasn't talking to me as much as I wanted him too. It all came down to one day when he got so incredibly annoyed that he decided to actually talk to me. We ended up talking pretty late into the night and our argument was resolved. I promised I would trust him more and not be as sarcastic (I get sarcastic when mad) and he promised that he would try and talk to me more.

For a while our relationship was pretty solid. We'd have arguments on occasion, but they were never that bad. The whole time I was busy trying to plan for my next visit. I missed him a lot and so hoped to visit him on the 3 day weekend I had coming up. Sadly I wasn't able to get home in time, so I had to tell him I couldn't visit him that weekend. I ended up having to wait two more weeks after that until the weekend of September 17th to visit him. I took a train home, spent the night at my mom's house, and then headed out the next morning at 10 am to visit him.

I drove about 90 mph on the high way to get there because I was so excited to see him. I had promised him this time that I would exercise with him and go to a party. I had also bought a special outfit that I wanted to wear for him when his roommate wasn't around. When I got there I didn't tell him, instead I snuck into the building like I had before and went up to his room to surprise him. He didn't seem that surprised though because he knew I was coming and had an idea as to when I'd be there. He had intentions of kicking his roommate out when I got there, but that plan failed because his roommate had a friend over and the friend had brought everyone food. So we waited about half an hour until his roommate left before we started having some fun.

When B3's roommate left I quickly lost a lot of my clothing and so did he. We had a lot of pent up passion from not being able to touch each other for the past month. What sucked though was the fact that B3's roommate wasn't entirely done getting all of his stuff from the room. After I had successfully undressed B3 all the way there was a knock at the door and someone demanding to get in. There was a little bit of panic time while B3 searched for his clothes and I pulled the blanket up to cover my body. When he let his roommate in I'm sure that my face was as red as a beet, but thankfully they (his roommate had brought friends) didn't look at me that much. They just talked to B3 casually and looked around the room for the things that they needed to grab. At one point they seemed to be taking up way too much time so B3 started making little coughing sounds to let them know that they were being waaaay awkward. One of the roommates friends got the hint and hurried him out of the room, but the mood had died substantially. We ended up getting it back a little bit, but not nearly as much as it was before. After about a half our more we ended up stopping and he went to take a shower while I changed. He wanted us to go to the gym after that, but I got super worried and stressed and said no. If he had begged a little bit I would have caved, especially since I had put on my exercise clothes expecting him to beg a little, but he never did. Instead, after his shower we watched Avatar the Last Airbender while cuddling on the floor.

I was super tired by this point because I hadn't been getting much sleep recently and the night before I had gotten only about 4 hours, so I tired to fall asleep while cuddled up next to B3, but he ended up getting annoyed. At one point he just stopped the movie and got up and told me to take a nap on the bed while he studied his math for the midterm he had the next week. I was kind of shocked but I went with it anyway. He doesn't know this, but I actually cried a little bit when he told me to nap and turned out the lights. I ended up not being able to sleep, so he decided that we would visit some of his friends. He took me to meet his friends Jack and Rene. They were sleeping though due to a heavy hang over so instead we went to dinner.

When we got back from dinner B3's roommate had returned along with all of his friends (who also happened to be B3's friends). They decided to play video games for the rest of the night until the parties started. I had told B3 that I would go and I knew I couldn't back out of this one. At 9pm the group set out to greek row to see what parties they could get into. They thought it was going to be a byob type party and so didn't actually bring any money for admittance, and when they got there they were told that they had to leave. B3 wanted to just go back to his dorm and grab money and then return to the party, but the rest of the group decided that they would just drink in the room and so B3 went along with that.

Upon returning to the dorm the group headed to the small store that stayed open 24/7 and bought various kinds of soda. I got orange soda to use as a mixer with the rum we were to drink later that night. When we got upstairs to B3's room the guys locked the door and started pouring the drinks. B3 wanted to start me out slow because I had never drunk before and I was afraid so he put about 3/4 of a shot of Captain Morgan's Rum into a glass of orange soda and told me to drink. I quickly downed that so he added another shot and mixed in the rest of my soda. He hadn't expected me to actually get drunk that night, just be able to feel the alcohol affect me a little bit. Funnily enough though, I did get drunk. The room spun and I didn't have good balance. I found lots of things funny, and I even started talking to one of B3's friends. He had gotten on Facebook and had decided to add me as a friend. Later on B3 though I might get hurt if I kept trying to stand so he made me sit on the bed with him. I was tired so instead I just scooted down his body (I was leaning on his chest while sitting in front of him) and resting my head on his upper thigh. I was so tired and started to drift off every now and then, but eventually he had to get up to go to the bathroom. When he left for the bathroom he told me to stay put. I didn't want to listen to everything he said, so I got off the bed and walked into his closet to hide. When he got back he asked the guys in the room where I had gone and they told him (tattle tales). He was really confused as to why I had decided to hide there and as he pulled me out his roommate thought that I had actually gone in there to cry and made it sound like I was pathetic.

After B3 pulled me out of the closet though we decided to go and get some food to quench the drunchies that apparently everyone else had gotten. We went to a small store near by and got tator tots. I was extremely tired by this point and also pretty drunk so I was slurring words and constantly resting my head on B3's shoulder. After we were done eating we decided to go back to the dorm room and I changed into PJ's for bed. B3 made the other guys leave the room and then he curled up in bed with me. Sadly, I have problems sleeping and once again my limbs cramped up and I needed to get up and get ibuprofen. I also ended up drinking some more water before I climbed back into bed. At one point I ended up feeling sick in the night after B3 had fallen asleep and so I sat up and curled up in a corner of the bed against the wall until the nausea went away. It went away in a bit and I was able to curl back up with B3 and fall asleep for a couple more hours.

I had to wake up at 7 the next morning though because I had to leave by 8 (or so I thought) because I had to be back to my moms to catch a train home by 6 that night and I didn't want to risk being late. When I woke up the next morning I had to go to the bathroom, so I quietly snuck out of the room to go upstairs and use the girls bathroom on that floor. When I came back B3 was awake and he scooted over so that I didn't have to crawl over him to get back on the bed. We ended up fooling around for a little bit, but eventually I had to get up and change. B3 stared at me the whole time that I was changing, but I didn't care at all. I actually found it really funny and starting smiling a goofy smile.

When it came time for me to leave I packed up all my stuff and B3 walked me out to my car. My car had a low tire though and so I asked B3 to come with me to fill up the tire and I'd take him to McDonalds too. He agreed and so we headed off to a gas station together. He filled up my tire for me and at McDonalds he bought me a smoothie for breakfast. We actually spent an hour there and I ended up not leaving Pullman until around 10 am. I was definitely running late and so didn't have time to say a nice good bye to B3, but we quickly kissed and he jumped out of my car when I took him back to his dorm.

I had a safe, but long ride home and texted B3 on and off during that time. The very next night he dumped me, on Facebook, at midnight, the day before midterms.

A Broken Hearted History Part 2

So to start off where I left off, B3 and I started "going steady" on May 10th, 2010 and lasted for four and a half months (to be exact 4 months and 10 days). I loved him completely, and even though now it's been almost 4 months from our break up I still love him.

Anyway, the first month of our relationship progressed fairly slow. We would hang out every couple of days after school, but B3 was very school oriented and demanded that we do our homework before we actually hung out. He also pushed me to actually do the chores my mom asked of me and to clean my room. One time when he came over to my house he wouldn't go into my room because it was so messy. Needless to say, after that I kept it fairly clean.

Most of the time B3 and I hung out at his house. I loved his house so much. It was pretty tiny, but it was perfect for his family. It was just him and his mom living there and so lots of room wasn't needed. B3's room was pretty small, but it was also super clean. The bed was always made and there was never even a trace of clothing on the floor. He had an HDTV in his room directly across from his bed with an X-Box 360 attached to it. (B3's biggest hobby was playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2) His house also had a small kitchen, living room, bathroom, master bedroom, and an attic. B3 used to sleep in the attic, but after a while he moved down into the the bedroom he had when I dated him. One of the best things about his house was the amount of property that he lived on. It wasn't too much, but it was enough to have a lot of fun on.

When B3 and I hung out at his house we would normally just watch movies or play video games, but the more memorable times I spent with him weren't doing either of those things. Instead we would go outside. There was one time where we went outside to do our homework because it was just a spectacularly sunny day. I loved the feeling of the sun on my face and the quietness of his home. It was also particularly nice because I could lay my head in B3's lap. After a while it became apparent that not much studying was actually going to happen so we decided to just relax. That day was the day that B3 noticed that I really don't like bugs. He had spotted a small centipede on the ground and picked him up to show me. When I scooted away a little bit, he decided it would be fun to start throwing the small bug at me to try and get it to land on me. After a while he tired of this and instead just started tickling me. I started to run away and considering he was much taller than me, I didn't get very far before he caught me. At one point he pinned me to the ground and mercilessly tickled me until I could hardly breathe and then let me up.

Another memorable time I spent at B3's house would be when I took his circular rubix cube and ran away outside with it. B3 followed me and started chasing me down trying to get the rubix cube. I had stolen it because I wanted to try and solve it, but B3 wanted me to do something different so he kept trying to steal the cube from me. Him being basically OCD caused him to have to solve it when he took it from me, which enabled me to grab it from him again. The sad part is that once again he was much stronger and faster than me so he got it back fairly easily. At one point he had chased me behind the small barn and ended up pinning me to the ground and tickling me until I released the rubix cube and then he ran off with it. I wasn't able to get it from him after that, but one time when I got close he decided to chuck it all the way across his field. I took off running as soon as he did that and tried to grab the cube before he got to it, and after skidding on the ground I managed to catch the cube. By this time we were pretty tired of running, so we just laid in the grass next to each other both of us having given up on solving the cube.

The feeling of just laying there next to him made me so incredibly happy. It wasn't the giddy kind of happy either. It was the kind of happiness that comes when you realize that there really isn't anything in your life that's going wrong or anything that bothers you. I felt safe and loved in that moment and I never wanted it to end. For as long as I live, I'll remember exactly how good I felt laying there in the grass.

The third most memorable time I spent and B3's house would be when he taught me how to dirt bike ride. I'd been putting it off because I was slightly afraid of how it would feel to ride a bike and what would happen if I went to fast and got hurt, but eventually I caved to him and let him teach me to ride. He tried to make me wear all of the protective gear, but I refused to wear the breast plate because it was designed for a boy and it just felt awkward on me. Instead he just settled for me wearing the helmet and starting out slow. He explained to me how to make the bike go and stop and how to turn. He even showed me how to switch gears, but I was never good enough to actually go up to a higher gear than 1. There were many times when I was learning how to ride that when I'd stop I'd lose my balance and the bike would fall on top of me and B3 would have to come and pick the bike up off of me. One time he told me that every time that the bike fell on me gas would dump out. After that I was even more careful about dropping the bike because I didn't want to waste any gas. That determination actually ended up being bad for me, because the next time I lost control I accidentally made the bike fall the opposite direction it had been going and in the process my knee scrapped across the pedal. B3 was pretty freaked out after that fall, and when I showed him I had been scratched he went into mother mode. He made me go inside and clean up the wound, and even though I hate bandaids he made me wear one anyway. After that he wouldn't let me ride the bike anymore that day. He promised he would let me on some other occasion, but he never ended up happening and I know there's no possibility of it happening in the future.

Now, from the very beginning (meaning before B3 and I started dating) my friends were very pushy about getting all the details of my time with B3. Hot-Head in particular wanted to know every single little detail and she demanded to have the run down of the day as soon as B3 and I parted. Every time I'd hang out with her too, she'd ask me one particular question: "Has he kissed you yet?". For the first two weeks it was a no, but when I mentioned to B3 that Hot-Head kept pestering me with a question I wouldn't tell him, he just assumed it was about kissing. The next time I hung out with him after that he kissed me when we were saying our good byes. I was so surprised I didn't even know how to react. He was my first kiss and in the moment I didn't kiss him back. The kiss wasn't like the ones you see on the movies, it was just basically a peck on the lips but it was enough to make me shocked and happy. My response though was to just say good bye really fast and duck into my car. It took me two weeks after that to actually kiss him.

The night I kissed him was actually our 1 month anniversary and the day of our graduation. We were on the bus going to the all night party that the graduation people had planned for us, and B3's head was resting in my lap when I decided to just lean over and kiss him. After that first kiss it kind of broke my fear and kissing came easily after that, at least the innocent peck on the lips kind which is all we did at that point in time.

That night on the bus with him was also another one of my favorite memories with him. At one point I fell asleep curled up on his stomach. I remember how safe I felt right then and how happy I was. That was the night that I decided I was in love with him, but I wasn't going to be the first one to say it. I didn't want to scare him away by getting clingy or forcing him to commit even more to me before he was ready.

It took exactly one month more before we actually said "I love you" to each other. On July 10th B3 and I decided to start our day by hanging out at his house. When I showed up I gave him a card I had made for him, and he gave me a teddy bear from Build-a-Bear. The teddy had a WSU T-shirt (that's the school that B3 is currently going to) and a button inside that when hit it would make the sound like a beating heart. I absolutely loved the teddy. I also have no imagination when it comes to names, so the teddy's name became Teddy.

Later on that day, B3 and I took our relationship to the next level and hit second base. When we were taking a break at one point I was laying on top of him thinking about how much I loved him. He knew I was thinking about something and asked what, so I looked up at him and told him that I really liked him. Without missing a beat after that he told me that he loved me. I smiled a goofy smile, and instead of saying "I love you too" like I should have, I said "that's really what I was thinking about". Later on I did say that I loved him, but in that moment I didn't, which is something that sticks out to me.

Our 3 month anniversary also stands out in my memory. It was 4 days before he left for college and we wanted it to be really special. The day started off really early because I had asked him to help me take my family to the airport (they were leaving for Europe and I couldn't come because I had to go to college). Then we went out to breakfast as a treat of my parents. After that we both went home and either slept or did chores in his case. For the actual date he planned everything except for my particular request to go to a drive in movie that night. He picked me up in his little green truck and took me along a road I didn't recognize. When we finally got to our destination I was stunned that I actually knew where we were. He had taken me to Red Robin and we ate dinner there. Afterwards he blindfolded me (much to my protests) and drove me somewhere else. When we reached our destination he told me to keep the blindfold on, but I protested so much that he said "Ok, you can take it off, but you have to keep your eyes closed." I agreed and let him lead me into the store. What he had ended up doing was taking me to See's candies and he told me to pick out a box of chocolates. After that we went to the movie.

I got to be the one to plan all the details of the movie. I chose to go to a double feature of Eclipse and Inception. The reason I had wanted to go to the drive in movie so bad was because I wanted to have as much time as possible with B3 before he left, and the movie went way into the night. I also got to have the chance to lay down and cuddle with him without adult supervision around. That night we hit 2 and a half bases which is as far as we ever got.

When the movie ended it was late and we were both tired. He drove me home, and as we got closer and closer to home I started becoming more and more upset because I wasn't sure I'd see him again before he left for college. I tried as hard as I could not to cry with him still around, and I actually managed it that night. When he kissed me good bye and left I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was home alone so to me I was allowed to cry as much as I needed, and at that moment in time I really needed to cry.

Two days later B3 texted me at about 11 and asked if I wanted to go to the midnight release of Eat, Pray, Love and of course I said yes. It was the day before he was supposed to leave, so I knew it would be my last chance with him for a month at least. During the movie he seemed rather moody and upset with almost everything I did, and when it came time for him to go home I was really upset. This time I couldn't resist crying around him, but he isn't exactly the best comfort in the world. He tried to comfort me, but it really didn't help much. When I went home, I once again balled myself to sleep.

After he went to college would be when our relationship started to fall apart. Long distance relationships are particularly hard, and ours wasn't exempt from that quality. I'll explain exactly how bad the time leading up to the break up, and the after affects of it in my next blog. I think this one is long enough as it is. :)

A Broken Hearted History

So if you haven't guessed, this is the section where I'm going to tell you all about my past love-life drama. For the sake of keeping everything private though, boy friends will be labeled as B1 or B2 etc. and potential boyfriends/crushes will be labeled as P1 or P2 etc. My friends I will just give nicknames to.

So the story of my love life starts about four years ago exactly. It was my freshman year and I had decided that I wanted to take drama instead of PE. I'd always rather enjoyed acting and so I figured that drama would be a fun relaxing class as apposed to all the honors classes I was taking. For the first couple of month I enjoyed just playing around with my friend Hot-Head, but then we started to actually talk to some of the other students in the class.

There was one particular boy I took an interest in. He was taller than me and really funny. He had a bit of an acne problem (like most 14 year old guys) and he wasn't the brightest person on the planet, but that didn't bother me at all. I mostly liked how sweet he acted towards me and how he managed to make me smile all the time. Needless to say I developed a crush.

After some time and some prodding from Hot-Head, it became apparent that this boy liked me just as much as I liked him and then became B1. For a while we were pretty good together, and since he was my first boy I had no clue how to act. I'm pretty sure that I got quite clingy for a time and pretty much chased him off. It only took 3 weeks to do so as well.

When he broke up with me I was really upset and cried for a long time. The next day I handed him a letter I had written the night before and then ran off. From that point forward I avoided B1 like the plague. I saw him about a month ago, and I still didn't say hi. Right now though, I don't avoid him because he hurt me, I avoid him because I'm embarrassed. Hot-Head likes to remind me often of how B1 looked like a penguin when he walked. He definitely had a bit of a waddle.

After B1 broke up with me I was in the rebound stage, and a boy in my Algebra 2 class really liked to flirt with me.

This new boy was also taller than me, and he seemed to have an even bigger problem with acne. I also seem to recall he smelled kind of... stale, like he didn't bathe enough. I am definitely embarrassed to say now, that he ended up becoming B2.

B2 and I lasted what remained of the school year and the duration of the summer (although over the summer we didn't see much of each other because neither one of us could drive). At the end of the summer I used the excuse of my Step-Mom dieing (I really did love her, just not proud of this excuse) to break up with him. I had two classes with him the next year and in one of them he was the only person I knew (we were the only two sophomores in the class) so needless to say that class was quite awkward.

For almost 3 years after that I never had a huge interest in any boy in particular. Sure there were the occasional crushes on boys that were kind or cute, but nothing strong enough to make me want to date them. At least not until two months before graduation. Actually, it was the week before prom that I discovered my attraction towards one of my fellow classmates.

The story of this boy and me is a rather funny one. See, we had been on the same Speech and Debate team for 3 years, and we'd sat next to each other in physics class all year. I think what changed is the fact that he broke up with his girl friend of 1 year in January of that year. A couple months later and he was willing to date again, and I was starting to notice all the great things about him.

So the physical description comes first: He was about 6ft tall (compared to my 5ft 4 inches) with short black hair. He was physically fit, but didn't have a six pack. (Due to the fact that he didn't have a six-pack though, he would often complain about how fat he was.) He had blue eyes and a quirky smile that I loved.

He had one of the most caring personalities that I have ever seen anyone have. He was always up-beat and happy, and he always made me laugh. During class he was always willing to help me with a problem, but he also knew when to have fun. He tried to make me relax a lot about getting everything right, but at the same time he had a better work ethic than me when it came to school work. To me, he seemed perfect at the time.

There was a big problem with actually trying to date him though, he didn't seem interested in me at all. The couple of weeks leading up to Prom he would ask my opinion on the various girls he should ask to prom. In the end he decided to ask a Junior that he knew didn't like him, and surprisingly she said yes.

He also asked me to help him help a friend ask Hot-Head to Prom. I spent a lot of time planning with him in the weeks leading up to Prom, and eventually it paid off. My friend was incredibly happy to have a boy go to Prom with her.

Sadly I ended up going to Prom date-less, but I still decided I wanted to have fun anyway. My friends and I decided to drive to the dance together, and then afterwards to out to eat and maybe to a scavenger hunt if we could make out. The problem with this was that we weren't hungry after the dance, and we didn't have enough time to set up the hunt. Instead we decided to just go to my friend Bubbly's house and watch Star Wars.

Now the boy from my physics class was very unnerved the entire night because he was sure that his date was going to ditch him for some other boy. She was a very disrespectful date, and didn't tell him that she was bringing a friend along until the morning of. The boy was mostly ok with this though, because according to him the friend was prettier than the actual date. Anyway, because he was sure his date was going to ditch him, he asked if he could join my groups after-Prom festivities. We of course said yes.

His date ended up not ditching him, but after Prom he just took both her and her friend home and then he drove over to Bubble's house. At Bubbles house we all tried to crowd onto one couch. Eight of us was a rather tight fit, but thankfully the couch was pretty large. I demanded the corner seat because I didn't want to be crushed between two people, and because my physics partner showed up later than everyone else, he was "stuck" next to me. At one point he thought that he'd forgotten his keys in his car, so he asked someone to go out to his car with him. I volunteered, and while we were out there he told me that he thought Bubbles was really pretty that night and sort of as an after thought he said that I was really pretty as well. When we went back in and took our places back up he fell asleep on my shoulder (it was about 2am by this time). That was about the moment that I completely caved to my feelings towards him and realized I had a really really strong crush on him.

The next school day we had, he mentioned to Hot-Head that he liked me and asked her how I felt about him. At the time I hadn't said anything to Hot-Head yet, and so she told him she didn't think I liked him that way. When I told her later that day about my new found crush she informed me that he liked me back. For about the next three weeks my physics partner and I flirted constantly and tried talking to each other all the time. For one week I was in Washington D.C. for a national We the People tournament (a sort of debating class I took) and when I got upset I would text him. At one point I got worried that I was going to be able to do my physics homework, so he said he'd do it for me. When he finished he said I owed him something, but he would decide later what I owed him.

It took two weeks for him to tell me exactly what I owed him. It ended up that he wanted me to go on a date with him. I was ecstatic that he had asked me out and I replied that I didn't think that was a way of paying him back, but I would most certainly love to go on a date with him.

The date ended up being going to the movies with him and then walking around the mall for a little while afterwards. In the actual movie I accidentally dumped half the bag of pop corn on his lap and was mortally embarrassed. He thought it was super funny and cute thankfully. When we walked around the mall, he just had to drag me into the Mac store because he was a techie, so I dragged him through the girliest store I could find. That store just happened to be Pink, the teenaged version of Victoria's Secret. He handled it very well, and it made me giggle quite a bit to see him in that store.

After the date, for the next week we were basically in limbo. It was like we were unofficially together and all of my friends were begging me to make it official, so on May 10th, 2010 I asked him over Facebook whether we were dating or not. He responded that he would like to be my boyfriend, and in that instant I changed my Facebook relationship status. The next morning he showed up with one single rose for me that I later took home to press inside one of my favorite Harry Potter books.

And that is how B3 came into being. For the full details on our relationship and the break up you'll have to read my next blog.